• How old are you (and how old is your partner) and how familiar are you with RPW? - We are both 38 and I'm a novice but trying to be as mindful of it as possible within my marriage.
  • What is your relationship status? - Married
  • What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) - (this is my first time seeking help here, I hope I am not bad mouthing him, he is a wonderful man and is all I could ask for, I am writing all of this because I am worried about him and need to know what I can do to help. I'm also sorry about the wall of text I'm trying to include as much relevant information as possible.) We are both very out of shape. We got this way together over a long period. I have been working to rectify my own end, I see a doctor regularly, I picked up tracking steps and attempting to stay active on my own, I realized I was not eating mindfully and did two months of a course to learn to properly track my intake and manage my mentality around food. I want to be healthy and more attractive because I want to have a long happy marriage. My husband will see me making changes and talk about how he "needs" to also lose weight, but then fails to follow through. He has not been to a doctor in years, at one point he called my doctor's office to make an appointment for a long overdue physical then failed to follow through. He is willing to go to the dentist but only if I make the appointment for him (which I am doing). And he is willing to eat better meals only if I take care of them all - when he feeds himself he makes food choices that are... less than thoughtful. He does make excellent dinners for us all two nights a week, the trouble is when he is making food exclusively for himself. He has been snoring off and on for years and occasionally seems to be plagued by headaches and I am starting to become concerned that his health is not going to hold up in the long term and it hurts to think that he is letting himself go and I don't know how to bring it up in a way that is supportive and not emasculating, but I can't keep just letting him go on like this. There is a chance that he doesn't have any medical conditions, but we have no way to know one way or the other because he won't go to the doctor. How can he captain this partnership if he isn't captaining himself? I'm happy to keep making him breakfast and lunch as much as I can, but I can't do it all, we have two kids who are homeschooled and I work three days a week. I also struggle with keeping up with what I'm doing for myself when I see him just doing whatever he wants without any regard for what it might be doing to him (eating three large fried hot dogs for breakfast this morning for instance). It has been difficult over the years to continue with various eating and exercise plans because I get to feeling like I should also be able to eat and do, or not do, whatever I want. I know this is a terrible mentality and have been working diligently to get out of thinking this way, because regardless of what he does I need to be the best that I can be for us. I'd like to have a talk with him but I'm concerned that it will cause more resistance than anything which is why I'm here, I'm hoping that I can get some insight into if there is any way to encourage him without having him feel belittled or attacked, if there even is a way to do that. We made a commitment to each other and when we were younger talked about all the things we would do together in our later years, I'm worried those won't be realized if we don't both get ourselves together, doing those things by myself is nothing to look forward to. He has indicated multiple times in the past that he will not count calories for himself and he will not eat lower fat options for beef and dairy, if I chose to serve them he will not eat and will be noticeably irritated about the meal. (My best results over the years have been with calorie counting and making lower calorie choices with normally high calorie foods like meats and dairy, I have not suggested that he do this himself, merely tried to show how well it works for me when I am doing it and he has always volunteered that "he won't be that obsessy about food") He otherwise lives his life as though this is something that would matter to him which makes it extra concerning to me that it doesn't seem to.
  • How have you contributed to the problem? - I'm sure there are other ways, but I control 5/7 of dinners in the house per week and historically let him fend for himself for breakfast and lunch which is less involvement than I probably should have had. In the past I have definitely nagged him about it and am trying very hard to get away from that as I'm now aware that this is an absolutely terrible way to approach.
  • How long has this been an issue? - off and on for at least ten years, we do better for a while and both lose some weight then get lax again and gain it back.
  • What have you done to resolve this problem? - we have spoken in the past, sometimes better received than others, none that have caused him to make any consistent changes. Since trying to approach this partnership from an RP perspective I've been attempting to just model better behavior in the hope that it will inspire him to follow suit, taking care of my own end, and I picked up making him breakfast and lunch 5 days a week.

If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship:

  • How long have you been together? - together 19 years, married 13
  • Is your relationship long-distance? - no
  • Do you have an active bedroom life? - It could be more active, though since coming to the RP side I have been making a conscious effort to initiate more and not refuse his initiation, and I do believe that the problem I'm asking about does correlate somewhat to our bedroom life.