First of all, this thread might be a little all over the place, I guess I'm writing to try and think things over,and I'd love any feedback from you ladies! And also it is LONG.

I've been thinking a lot about passivity lately. I have a bad tendency to be passive aggressive. It's a tendency I've had all my life, with my family, with friends, and in relationships. 

When I started dating my now-husband, I was not at all passive. I was always on the deferential side with him -- but he made me feel so alive, and free, that I really wasnt passive. I was active, engaged. It was one of the first times I really felt free to express myself fully. It was wonderful.

Somehow, after the first few years, I fell into my old passive ways even with him. We had kids, and everything got more serious, and old childish habits of mine came back. My extended family got in the way. I'm not saying he's been perfect, but I'm thinking about my side. 

We had some bad fights about his long working hours, and we had some arguments about how to raise our kids. Some of the fighting was useful -- we figured out solutions to a lot of stuff. And our relationship always stayed loving and intimate. But some of the conflict never got completely resolved. He'll always work a lot of hours. I'll probably never be totally happy with that. It feels like we have just a little patch of darkness between us.

Anyway, with all this, I fell into a terrible habit of being sorry for myself. Seeing myself as a victim: seeing myself as the woman whose husband works too much, instead of as the woman whose husband writes her poems, and teases her, and encourages her to be an artist.

I got passive aggressive. I started to brood and sulk and snip.

When I discovered Red Pill Wives I was really excited. I felt like I suddenly had permission to appreciate my husband again: to think about his needs, instead of only mine, and to think about all the good in him.

But in a way, I was still wrong. I was still seeing myself as a victim: I was just changing it up a little bit so that I could be a martyr too. I started working harder, taking better care of the house and getting in better shape. I started complaining less.

But I remained a little passive. And I remained on high alert for any sign of that shadow.

What I miss is the easy confidence I used to have with my husband.  And I'm trying to get it back. The other day, he did something to upset me and instead of brooding over it, I told him - in the easy, joking, slightly theatrical language I used to use with him, letting him know I was mad but not broken. It was like magic. He started to glow.

So that's what I want back. I want to find the confidence to get over this sense of injury and live, actively.

Does this make sense? Any thoughts?