My husband married me as a promiscuous addict. He married for love, I married for opportunity. He deploys right after us getting married (we hadn't even known each other for a year). I cheated while he was gone. He comes back I stop, still doing drugs. Eventually we move and I get clean. Fast toward two kids and several years later, and he always suspected I cheated while he was gone, and I always denied until a little over two years ago. I never wanted to confess what a POS I was, but he kept pushing.

Since then he says he will stay with me for the kids, but sees other women (hasnt had actual sex yet, but everything else), and wants us to have an open married (meaning he sees other women, I have to also sleep with those women, but no guys).

He reminds me what a POS I am, how I ruined his life, how I owe him. I know that I am not not an easy person to live with, and its reasonable that at times I disgust him with my former actions. I also have an anxiety disorder. The past two years Ive been going to counselling, started going to college (half way to a BA in ultrasound), and become a better person.

But I dont know how to keep living like this, with a man (who rightly) basically hates me, expects me to sleep with his girlfriends because I was able to do that kinda stuff 8 years ago while high, and live his with verbal abuse. I know I put myself in this situation, but I am sitting here trying to build myself up as a good women, and he is tearing me down, and makes me feel like I am even worse for thinking about leaving. I do love him, even if its not why i originally married him. But he has grown hateful, bitter, and vengeful (I would say a few days out of the week, the rest he is civil and we can hang out and stuff). He will hurl insults at me until I get defensive then continue to emotionally destroy me for that too. We have decent times, he not like this all the time, but he says the only happiness he will get will not be from me.

I always cook dinner, and clean the house, I work enough to pay for childcare while I am in college, I never deny him sex, and I go away during a panic attack so he doesnt have to deal with that. Sometimes I remember things wrong and he accusing me of lying. I dont know what to do to make this marriage work except whore myself out the way he wants and not having any feelings about him being with other women and the fact that I want a monogamous marriage that is civil, respectful, and maybe even a little loving.