Note: Long, depressing

So I only recently got into Reddit and this sub in general. I have just started my 20s and unfortunately I feel like I have already made all of the wrong decisions. My childhood was difficult in the sense that one of my parents struggled greatly with their mental health and continues to struggle. Due to this I became their caretaker in a lot of ways. They lived vicariously through me and treated me like their Barbie because I received high grades and when I reached puberty, male attention. They wanted me to have high grades, so I got them. They wanted to me wear a certain outfit, so I wore it. They wanted me to have a relationship, so I got one. During my younger years I was very quiet and shy, but when I reached 17 I found a group of friends and started partying. They then became obsessive about that and about ensuring my social life was active enough. I felt pressure to please them because their life was miserable, they constantly fought with my other parent, they are obese, and they don't have many friends. If I ever went against their wishes, they would have an episode. My first boyfriend had ASD but was 'high functioning' (I know you're not supposed to say that) and although we never had sex, we only really connected physically as he could not provide an emotional connection. I did not care about this as I had a very close male best friend who I received my emotional needs from as we were inseparable. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend because I was bored and did not see it going anywhere. His friends suspected this was because I had been unfaithful or developed feelings for my male friend, which was partially true, and we did then attempt to start a relationship directly after, but we did not work as anything other than friends and have remained close friends to this day (although he subsequently came out as bisexual and now has a boyfriend). My parent was enraged that I had ended my relationship, so paid for me to have a Gold membership on Tinder and encouraged me to change out of my school uniform and go on dates during my lunch break, which I did. I thought, like my work, if I approached something with enough effort and vigor, it would work out. However, none of them really ever interested me, and I usually ended up breaking up with them or saying I was not interested in a very cold and matter of fact manner. One boy got my social media from a friend and started bombarding with me texts and asked me to meet up with him. My friends told me this sounded suspicious, but I was 17, a virgin and very naive. I asked my parent if I should worry about this and they said no, but made me take a Vodka shot before I went. He was in his 20s and took my virginity unprotected. I wasn't aware of what was happening. He took a picture of my legs, I assume to show his friends. I told my parents and had my checks done and took the morning after pill and he called me a bunch of expletives for telling them. It turns out he had decided to do this to get back at a girl in my class who had broken up with him. My entire class called me names as well as dirty and disgusting. A month or 2 later I then went to a party and got drunk to the point of being unconscious. A boy at this party took me to a room and used me until my friends heard me screaming and broke in. Later on my ex boyfriend took me to a room, tied up and restricted my arms, and left me a large bruise and bite marks. I continued drinking, partying and dating but all of it was meaningless to me. I would go on a few dates with a boy, take him to a party, ignore him, dump him, find another. Eventually I started dating a boy who was in college, but we broke up when I left to go to college. The first week there a boy started to hang out with me, we ended up having sex and he asked me to be in a relationship. A few weeks later he broke up with me and I was devastated. I then started to party 6 nights out of the week for about 7 months straight. I didn’t even care if I wore a dress from the club to breakfast. I stopped studying, I wouldn't show up to class, I was constantly getting into arguments with random girls, I wouldn't even shower, I took illegal substances. I would go home with boys and cry to them. I would wake up in random beds. I didn't care if it was safe or not, I didn't care if I died. I started dating a boy and actually ended up being him for around a year, he had ADHD. He would constantly tell me I could never do better and would end my life without him. Sometimes he would have a big fight with me, break up with me and be seen with another girl, so once I called up my ex from the summer who was still in love with me and had sex with him to prove a point. Or I would go on a random date or kiss his friend then go home to his bed. We still said I love you and met each other's parents but it was very toxic. He would choke me in public, forced me to be intimate when I did not want to and went through my phone. Eventually our relationship ended when my friends kicked him out and banned him from our apartment after one night when he was shouting at me. After my first semester I was so depressed I wanted to drop out, so I changed my residence and made better friends, but I still did not feel good. I always had people around me, I always got approached by men on the street, complimented, offered holidays, but they only ever wanted me sexually or if they were ever in love with me, it was because they idolised me for my appearance. I became obsessive about my appearance, I had always been voted as or told I had the best body and best face, so whenever another girl beat me I would spiral. I developed an eating disorder and would make myself throw up. My next year I could not stand being alone and would feel scared if one of my friends even left the room. I would be invited to 3 parties a night, I was in every photo, I had obsessively worked out enough to the point I had abs. I had been on dates with or hooked up with or cried to boys on the football team, soccer team, millionaires, internationals, finance bros, diplomat kids, anyone. I felt nothing. I even tried taking shrooms to fix my brain. I tried hypnosis. Nothing. I constantly overshared with everyone, asking them to tell me what is wrong with me, I didn't care if I was treated like a joke as long as I had attention. Nothing was ever enough for me, I was asked to be in a relationship by 4 different boys in 1 semester and said no to them all, I would always find something wrong with them, or I would be too busy chasing after one who did not want me. When one did really seem like a great guy, I sobbed in the car on the way to his apartment, had a panic attack, and ended things with him. I was seeing a therapist every week and felt like I was improving. My next semester I had been celibate for 6 months, now I have been celibate for 13 months. I was working very hard, maintaining perfect grades, and I had some huge career successes. I have achieved things in my career I never dreamed I would, things with 1% acceptance rates. I got new hobbies, I took courses. I made wonderful new friends who were all kind and stable. I rejected the advances of men. Until I dated one, who I did not have sex with, but it turned out he was using me to cheat on his actual girlfriend of a year. I ghosted him. I then had another depressive episode and stopped eating, stopped leaving my bedroom. Another boy who I had been in love with for months prior started to ask me out, and I felt too anxious to even see him or engage with him. I still acted perfectly normal around my friends, traveling with them, emotionally supporting them, never missing a social event, until I randomly told them I was dropping out. I was then diagnosed with ADHD, and told I potentially have ASD, and a disability. I started taking medication for ADHD. I completed all of my work for my missed semester and continued to progress with my career. I did not even text any of my friends for months. Eventually I managed to dig myself out of my black hole and met up with a few friends and had a few trips with them, but I have never been the same. I am reclusive, cold, private and constantly anxious. People were confused and told me I had lost my sparkle, but maybe I just stopped performing for them. Although my meds mean I am very productive, I no longer feel in touch with my feelings at all.

Having read what I have read here, I know that I will never be worthy of a good man, I have done everything wrong. I have been a slut, I'm not religious, and I'm mentally unstable. I'm considering now I have yet another disorder and I have trauma. Men terrify me now. I always obsess over how I should conduct myself and end up being aloof and giving curt messages or rejecting them. I only feel safe loving people from afar and daydreaming. I have never had a successful relationship or a long term one. And even though I am 90 something pounds now, and I received an offer I had been working for for months, I still feel empty and miserable. If I am in a beautiful city, I feel miserable. If I am surrounded by friends, I feel miserable. I trust nobody and consider everybody to be transient in my life, I feel completely alone. I am convinced I don't fit in and am not fit for life. I don't think that there is any way I could fix myself, as it has been so many years. I feel like used, damaged goods. And due to my mental difficulties it is hard for me to cook, clean or properly look after myself as I have impaired motor skills. Now it seems I also have neurological reasons that mean I will forever struggle with friendships and relationships. I just don't think there is hope for me. Whenever my parent is angry with me, they always say they can understood why noone likes me or wants to be with me, and that I’m abnormal, and honestly I agree.