Hey everyone, thanks for a wonderful sub and for being wonderful people. I answered a question in relationship advice on introversion/extraversion in a relationship and realized that most of my advice was based in part on redpill philosophy. This is something I have really been working through with my extraverted SO. Although he is way more understanding and supportive of my independence, this is how I have dealt with explaining only child syndrome to someone who grew up in a big family where they are ALWAYS around people. He is also the most social person I know and does not understand "doing nothing" lol. Which is an amazing quality because it means he is driven and active and fun, but it can also be EXHAUSTING!!!! I am lucky to have an amazing understanding man who lets me hang out in bed more often than not, but I think if we move in together there may be more tensions and I have been trying to work through them.

I have also had to work through this with more co-dependent extraverts, such as my roommate and this is the tack I take. Hopefully, it is useful!

1) take up a hobby away from him and away from home. One of my friends is highly introverted and does women's kickboxing twice a week, and women's yoga Saturday mornings. Both of these she finds to be some of the time she needs to recharge. She sometimes goes to a coffee shop or library with a book after yoga, and her kids and husband understand that Saturday morning mum won't be home. Plan a weekly girls night away from him. Make separation more normalized. Balance this with giving him time to go his thing too! If he takes the kids Saturday morning, maybe make sure his Sunday nights are free from kids or dishes so that he gets to do his thing. Invite his friends over for boardgames, offer to host/cook for a hockey watching party. You know him best!

2) Sit down and have a conversation with him about what recharging looks like for you. Read up on introversion and extraversion. Introverts need time away from people to recharge. Even if you don't believe in that dichotomy, him reading some articles on what it looks like for an introverted person to recharge may help him understand you. Deal with the misunderstanding. To him, it may not feel like you love him when you want space. If he is angry or pouty (hey, we're all human!), tell him that it makes you sad when you ask for something from him (time for a nap, time to read your phone to yourself) and he pouts and makes you feel bad for what you need. Be gentle here, because he won't want to hear this from you, but tell him that in order for you to be happy doing something, it HAS to feel like your own choice. Is there a situation with his family that you can liken this to? Does his mom call and expect him to stay on the phone for hours? Does he hate that? Bring up another situation somewhat separated from your relationship so that he can understand without the emotional baggage.

3) talk to him about his reaction when you say you need space. Again, if he is upset, or feels unloved when you put down boundaries, explain the reasons and reassure him you love him. Tell him gently that although he is allowed to request your presence, you are also allowed to request your own presence. Make sure that the conversation is NOT an attack. "Baby, I have been feeling really overwhelmed at work, I am talking to people all the time and I feel really drained. What do you think we can do as a couple to help me recharge from exhausting interpersonal interaction?". If you bring him your issues phrased as a problem eg. I am feeling drained and overwhelmed by social contact or "I am really tired because my sleep schedule is not working for me" it will let you work on solutions together. Bringing him your solution "I need to spend less time with you" or "stop laying on me when you get home" is not the way to go. Be open to his suggestions!!!!

4) Ask him if he is feeling loved in the relationship. Read up on the 5 love languages. Extraverts are often quality time people or touch people, which might mean he doesn't feel loved unless you are keyed into the conversation or all over him physically. This can be overwhelming for maxed out introverts. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ . Talk to him about when he feels loved vs when he feels unloved. Say that you are feeling overwhelmed and drained by talking to people all day, and ask how you can make him feel loved even when you don't drop everything to be with him, or need some space from him. Does he complain that you don't spend enough time together? ASK HIM what quality time together looks like? Does it look like staring into each other's eyes for 5 hours? Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but get it on the table. Quality for my BF is doing stuff together, going out every other night and being engaged with people, going to trampoline parks, playing board games in a group will 5am, whatever! Talk about it, that way you can at least understand what a compromise might look like.

6) Write down what you want. Do you want to nap after work? Ok, write it down. Do you want an hour without chatting to recharge right after work? Write it down. 8 hours of sleep? Sleeping without cuddles some nights? Take your wants to him as WANTS, or requests from him. Say "baby, here is what I think I need to be a better partner/better worker/better person, how do you think we as a couple can work towards getting this?". It would be nice if they are broad such as "get more interrupted sleep" that does not attack like "I need for you to stop interrupting my sleep to spend time with me". He gets a say too! If he thinks it's unreasonable for you to go to the gym three days a week and leave him to make dinner for himself honour that! Work around it, work together on a compromise. Honour him, and try to accept his solution even if it's not perfect for you.

7) Figure out ways to make him feel loved while still honouring yourself. When you don't want to cuddle, maybe give him a long hug and whisper some sweet things in his ear while rubbing his shoulders and then take some space. Maybe have 30 mins chat time before bed. Maybe write him a note to put on his computer screen that says you are exhausted and napping but can't wait to have dinner with him later or ask him to wake you up at a specific time.

8) Once you've agreed on boundaries, be gentle but firm. You will hurt him a little bit when you first start implementing these. When he asks you to come to lay down with him, let him know that you need some "me time" before going to sleep. Perhaps agree on some code words ahead of time so that you can say them and he will understand what that means. Maybe "me time" means half an hour of alone time or something. Explain to him that this is so important that your relationship depends on it because in a sense it does. He may feel hurt, and you will have to tell him that you have to honour your needs in order to have the energy to be the partner that he deserves. Explain in terms of your own feelings. Say "it hurts when you pout like that. What I need right now is a nap/a book/ to watch this documentary/ to meditate, how about afterwards we play a board game?". It's always good to move the needs he has to accommodate you, not to dismiss them entirely. If he knows he will get to play a board game/massage/shower together in an hour, then he might be less tempted to bug you again.

10) thank him and praise him when he does well. He asks to cuddle and you say you need to finish writing in your journal, and he says okay? Kiss him deeply and say "thank you for being wonderful". Even when he doesn't do it perfectly, don't let that stop you from being grateful. This will reward and inform future behaviour. Don't get upset when he slips up, just be gentle and firm, and explain that you need time to recharge. Applogise when you slip up, and are snarky or mean when feeling overwhelmed (I'm guiltyyy of this!!). Often his needs will (and should!) trump yours, but until you have established a pattern of behaviour where you have the ability to choose, don't let his needs automatically trump yours.

11) when you do feel like snuggling/chatting... Tell him! Ask him! If after half an hour of established time you feel like talking to him, go do it! The more vulnerable you are the more secure he will feel in the relationship. Be more affectionate according to his love language in little ways throughout the day. Appreciate appreciate appreciate.

That's all! I'd love to hear some of your strategies for getting your needed recharge time. I think it's important to remember that to be the best partner possible you need to make sure your needs are being met.