Did I do the right thing?

bakebynumbers · 2016-12-08T20:32:43+00:00

I don't have the wisdom a lot of posters here have, but I do have friends that have been in similar situations and LDRs are NOT for everyone. They are hard, and have no guarantee, and really don't allow for relationships to progress. That being said, some people make them work. Its individual.

It sounds to me like you made the right decision for you. I'm so sorry you're going through something so hard. It is hard! and sad. But continuing to give your all to someone who is emotionally disconnecting will probably hurt more in the long run. Waiting until he left to end things probably wouldn't have done anything up get your hopes up.

MsSadieDunham · 2016-12-08T20:36:41+00:00

He doesn't sound that invested, it seems as though he has already told you, in an indirect way, that he doesn't want to pursue an LDR. Good for you for being proactive and deciding for yourself what you want and need, even though it sucks right now.

Mentathiel · 2016-12-08T20:55:11+00:00

LDRs are hard. If he already didn't plan on trying one or if he hasn't at least felt extremely remorseful and regretful in expressing his sentiments about not believing in it, I'm afraid he wasn't serious enough about you in the first place.

Me and my SO both don't believe in LDRs, but we're probably facing a possibility of one in the future and we both would really want to try to make it work, we're just really skeptical. So I really do understand where he comes from. LDRs are hard, often end bitterly and in case that they end in a break up are largely a waste of time, as physical and emotional intimacy is really limited and you usually still feel lonely very often. Not that it doesn't have its wonderful sides and moments you should cherish and makes reunions even more memorable, but there's a lot of emotional work for that reward and a lot of risk involved. Plus, you're not only torturing yourself, sometimes it's even worse to think about how the other party might feel on the rough patches and whether you're just a burden. So yeah, I get what he means very well. To be honest, I'd be willing to endure all the troubles of LTR for my SO if it weren't for the amount of the negative emotions I'm going to show to him and perhaps project on him and all the unfair treatment that might come with that. I don't think he deserves that for trying to preserve what we have and I don't think I'd be strong enough to contain everything I'd feel. And I don't want to ruin what's potentially going to be the greatest period of his life, as well as ruin the respect he has for me and the memory of me and his trust in partners and... you know what I mean. So I'm either not going to do LDR or I'm going to really have to try my very hardest. These things shouldn't be taken lightly.

That being said, I think this is a classic case of you not establishing your relationship goals. One does not just find out they're a temporary thing, you've never bothered to emphasize you're looking for lifelong commitment. On top of that, you've known his plans for the future and never bothered to ask what that means for you. You should really be more open about discussing these things. After all, there's no damage done now, but one day it's going to be big things and your lives are going to be too conjoined to just backtrack. Yes, it would hurt to permanently break up now, but you'd get over it rather quickly. But imagine if you got together with someone who had the opposite plans when it comes to having children or how to raise them, who wanted a completely different home, who wanted you to be religious if you aren't or disregarded your beliefs if you are, who wasn't on board with your choices in career or homemaking (such as wanting you to be at home when you've planned a career or wanting you to work when you wanted to raise your own kids or something). You can't just ignore these things until they come up and you can't even say you know a person if you don't know how they'd react in many of these situations. Of course, these conversations can't just be had like job interviews on dates, it's awkward and inappropriate (imagine if a guy kept bugging you with really frank sexual questions to ensure compatibility before committing!) and makes it seem like you don't see the individual as an individual, but as a tool. But just seeing them as an individual isn't enough, they have to advance or at least not heavily conflict with your most fundamental relationship goals and life choices and beliefs and those things should be brought up. You can always talk in general terms or on examples of other people or instead of asking express your own sentiments and see how the person reacts. But I can't stress how important it is to have these conversations.

EDIT: I now saw you said you actually did have these conversations. Odd. Well, either it was done on purpose or he isn't big on long-term thinking/planning.

Spazzy19 · 2016-12-08T23:09:36+00:00

Personally I think you two could try it since 4 hrs really isn't that far in the big scheme of things. There's really no harm. I actually dated my ex husband long distance for 2 years because he stationed on the coast of NC and I was in college in SC. It was a 5.5-6 hr one way trip. Then he had a 7 month deployment.

I found it quite nice to have time to myself, and then when we got together (usually every other weekend) we looked forward to our time together and always had fun. It also gave us the opportunity to get to know one another on a more deeply intimate level through conversation.

IamTheWalkingMenu · 2016-12-09T20:04:24+00:00

Oh yeah, sorry about that. I think you know what is at the end of his road, and isn't you. I hope you do stick to your decision, you'll probably be better off. I prob sound like I repeat myself all the time but I can tell you what happened to me and my LDR was only 4 months. My fiancé took an opportunity to move to London with his firm and plans to stay there. Don't really want to live there but said I would but couldn't follow until 4 months later. So you can guess what he was doing during those 4 months. That's right. Other girls. Anyway, I think it takes a special person to do an LDR. Some excellent advice I got from an impartial bystander was "follow your gut." I think you know what your's is telling you.

Title	Did I do the right thing?
Author	Kiivaa
Upvotes	2
Comments	14
Date	December 8, 2016 8:22 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5h99ld/did_i_do_the_right_thing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/did-i-do-the-right-thing.86705 https://theredarchive.com/post/86705

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