I need help

MicrotusOchrogaster · 2019-05-21T10:11:37+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling right now. It must be so upsetting, and you've had a genuinely turbulent, stressful and emotionally traumatic couple of months with major life changes. Just want to offer some fellow woman love and support, and wish you strength and rapid recovery.

Your emotions are not 'problems', they are an intrinsic, healthy, normal and protective part of human nature. You are responding to two incredibly stressful months, full of social and emotional stressors. And now you are close to people who should support you (in-laws) but who are making you out to be deliberately ruining things in the family. What people often mean when they tell you your emotions create problems is this: I lack empathy, so don't bother me with your emotions. This lack of empathy is cruelty. No one, especially not a naturally soft hearted, sensitive person, thrives under the care of cold hearted people lacking empathy. You are having to hide yourself and cry alone? This is not right. I know sometimes we feel our husband shouldn't have to shoulder ALL our emotions, especially when he probably has his own, but it is abnormal when you are having nothing but accusations instead of comfort. An intrinsic part of married life is to support each other emotionally. What happens when you have no support is a harmful cycle of relating, as follows:

Partner 1: feels anxious, makes attempt to connect or gain reassurance from partner 2

Partner 2: ignores/doesn't respond to bid for attention

Partner 1: anxiety heightens, reaches out again, stronger bid for attention

Partner 2: ignores, gets irritated

Partner 1: initial anxiety has tripled, initial problem has been eclipsed by the pain of rejection, reaches out again

Partner 2: blows up angrily, rejects partner 1

Partner 1: devastated, loses a little bit of trust in partner 2, self-comforts alone, doesn't properly recover.

The cycle repeats again and again in small ways. Eventually trust dies. Partner 1 stops reaching out to partner 2 because they only get trouble and worsening of their already stretched emotions. Partner 1 has to find alternative ways to be comforted and supported. The relationship is in a very bad place even though both partners don't realise it yet.

Something is wrong. And I don't think your emotions are the problem, I think they are a symptom of external problems.

It could be you cannot get over previous problems because you are suffering an intrinsic lack of emotional bond within your marriage. A woman knows when she is not connected to her man. Lack of emotional bonding creates heart sickness.

As far as I can see, you have several options for 'controlling your emotions'.

1) If you are able, speak with your husband regarding your need for support, advise him that the crying will go away sooner if he actively meets you with comfort (even if that is just a wordless hug). Not everyone is good with emotions, and many people get overwhelmed and panicked by them. But they can learn if willing. Also talk to him about the impact him siding with his in-laws is having on the trust within your marriage. YOU are his wife, he needs to support YOU. YOU are the one he made marriage vows to. I know in some cultures, it is accepted that the husband is always closer or obeys his parents life long, but this is not the template for healthy marriage; 'for this reason a man should leave his father and mother, and be married to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'.

2) It is reasonable that you are still grieving over emotional trauma from the last two months. You may need to be patient with yourself and realise this will improve over time - it can take up to six months, it is ok if this happens. You will slowly feel less distress and get stronger. If you need to see a doctor and ask for anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication, you can do that. But be careful about addictive medications like benzodiazepines as your body can get used to those. If this is not what you want, try access online books or articles about managing emotional trauma, or depression or anxiety.

3) If your husband won't change, refuses to support you, then you may have to consider your options. You need emotional support from somewhere so you may need to find alternative sources. This can be hard as a woman sometimes, and especially if you don't have family, and you feel too depressed to attract new friends into your life. You can always message me, and I'm sure other women in this community would be happy to help with online support as much as they can. Be careful about relying on other men outside of family, I mean if it's all you've got, then you need help from someone, but men can sometimes hide romantic intentions that will later upset and complicate your life, or you can emotionally bond with a man not your husband, and be at risk for affairs etc. I don't advise this as it often causes very bad fall outs, and I usually advocate a woman to leave before having an affair if there is a breakdown in her marriage. Not everyone has that option culturally and socially. But try to find legitimate support where you can and stop seeking it from your husband if over the course of time, it's proven that he has no intention to help support you.

4) You may be able to find escapism and distraction in simple things like romance novels, exercising, going for a massage, counselling, online communities, or standing some solitary interests for a while until you regain the strength to try meet some new friends.

avocadosungoddess11 · 2019-05-21T17:55:59+00:00

As a fellow crier, I can tell something is seriously wrong. I *know* what I need to work on in my life, but it seems like you've hit a wall. You've had some bad breaks lately and its understandable why you're so upset. I have a feeling your husband not backing you up against your FIL is a symptom of a much larger problem.

Do you have a job or hobby that you enjoy?

moonchildcountrygirl · 2019-05-23T05:07:33+00:00

Oh sweetheart! I wish i could hug you. I’ve heard moving compared to deaths in the family in terms of potential stress, I cant imagine all those transitions at once. My sister was having similar feelings in a new city and had good luck making friends in her meetup group. (Its an app / website that links your interests and hobbies to groups to make friends irl! There are all girl groups that have movie nights and brunches... it could be a good way to get out of your comfort zone!) I know its hard out there as an introvert, but if you can lend your time to a volunteer organization or clubs, adult ed groups, or even a recreation league theres a great chance of meeting potential friends. Knitting circles, yoga classes, volleyball leagues, theres all kinds of communities out there... do some research on your town and give yourself a little push! Best of luck love

[deleted] · 2019-05-23T18:24:45+00:00

It sounds like you have absolutely valid reasons to be stressed. Moving three times? Goodness gracious! All within the first year of marriage, which is already an adjustment period. And if you and your husband aren't communicating well, that's even tougher. People have said some some really great things below that I agree with. I have a piece of advice that might ring a bell, at least perhaps for one facet of the season you're going through.

I am also a cryer. Personally, for me I suspect a small part of this was my body's tendency to be estrogen dominant. Now, don't get me wrong I am a sensitive, emotional female and I believe a greater portion of the cause is psychological (small amount of social anxiety, growing up as the 'baby' of the family, etc). But I have found that with nutrition and working to de-stress that I cry less easily now and I believe it is in part due to my hormones being more in balance. I started sleeping more and eating less estrogenic foods (soy, conventionally-produced dairy, conventionally-raised meat etc). There is a supplement called DIM you can take to help your body metabolize estrogen. So if your adrenals are shot from stress, it creates stress hormones which can deplete your progesterone levels. Lowered progesterone can mean estrogen takes over and then: emotional rollercoaster. Anyway, perhaps look into the symptoms of estrogen dominance and see if you can relate. Then maybe get your levels checked?

Title	I need help
Author	Anu19J
Upvotes	17
Comments	9
Date	May 21, 2019 8:36 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/br7vbc/i_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-need-help.239118 https://theredarchive.com/post/239118

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