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DifficultyMindless53 · 2022-01-29T07:29:46+00:00

I have an incredibly difficult time understanding why on earth a man would propose to a woman he has no intention of marrying. I'm gonna break some stuff down here... He is not wrong in the fact that "marriage is a woman's thing". It was invented for the sake of keeping a man around after a child is born to protect the woman and child instead of just dipping out and having kids with more women. Marriage creates consequences and responsibility, in return for the promise of consistent sex and the care of his children and home. That is why women were told for a long time to stay a virgin until marriage. It wasn't some "purity" thing, it was to avoid single motherhood. You deserve that security. He is not wrong in saying that you are already his wife, because you are already holding up that side of the bargain. He's not.

My suggestion to you would be to sit down with him, calmly and honestly, and have a real heart to heart discussion about what you want out of your relationship. You guys are clearly on different pages, and you need to get on the same one because you have a child who needs a stable home with parents that are a solid team. This is absolutely not a reason to consider splitting up. I have full faith that with proper communication, things will be okay.

nastyabusivedaddy · 2022-01-28T16:44:40+00:00

I'll address your concerns with "controlling the tongue" and those feelings of "always being on your toes" later.

For now, I want to point out that marriage is very much not "a woman's thing". Marriage is what makes a relationship truly serious. I don't care if a couple has dated for 10+ years, marriage adds an entire depth of commitment, intimacy, and seriousness to a relationship.

Marriage is much more serious than a relationship. The problem is how marriage is treated in our society; like old technology. Doesn't work? Don't attempt to restore it, just throw it out. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and a tremendous act of love.

If your husband expects you to be a "traditional wife" then he needs to be a "traditional husband".

The includes marrying you the second he's knocked you up. It is "old fashioned", but it was done for a reason. Very important for a child to witness a successful marriage growing up; it will shape how the child views relationships of all sorts.

As for "controlling the tongue", this requires actively "screening" every thought that comes into your head. Before your mouth opens, think. Start with one thing at a time. Don't try to control all of your thoughts, focus on controlling one thought per day. Then increase over time.

You have to actively be looking at yourself, your actions and thoughts. I wanted to correct my posture, I always looked like a "mark" growing up. Once a day, I'd catch myself and tell myself "correct your posture, look confident". Once a day turned into multiple times a day. Now, I don't need to catch myself, because the confident and correct posture is now habit and reflex.

The same is true for words. Before controlling your tongue, control your mind. All those awful thoughts you get about your actions/body/hobbies/whatever? Capture them.

"I look so hideous in this dress". Capture that thought, and say something positive out loud. "Wow, this dress really emphasizes my *insert body part*. I look good!"

or

"I'm never going to improve myself and will always be worthless". Capture it, and counter it with your words. Say aloud, "I will improve myself, it will be a gradual process, but as long as I'm still in the race I will always improve and never be worthless."

Something alone those lines. The point is, to capture any negative thoughts, and turn them into positive words. It sounds silly as shit, but it works, and changed my life. Once I captured my thoughts and brought my mind into submission, the tongue quickly followed suit.

As for constantly "feeling on your toes" or "waiting to slip up", don't.

Just listen to your man. My wife is the same, always on her toes trying to remember everything I've said and told her to do. What I keep emphasizing is that, if I'm always vocalizing concerns/criticisms/praise/etc then why is she worried about remembering? No need to "remember" anything if I'm always maintaining a presence. If she was doing something wrong, I'd say something, right?

She's still working on that mindset. Like many things in life, it is a life long process. It takes tons of work and discipline, but it is possible, especially with good male leadership in the house.

Sorry for the wall of text, but I hope it was insightful and useful to you in some way.

uniq0rn_qlitter · 2022-01-27T22:54:10+00:00

You sound like a normal woman to me. I saw a lot of myself in this post. It sounds like you like being chased, which is why you do the little shit tests and want him to pursue you as a wife and not just a title. On a good day, talk to him about these things. Tell him how you feel. He may have some solutions, will probably understand you better, and you can get some clarity on some of the feelings your gut is trying to figure out.

SunshineSundress · 2022-01-27T23:29:43+00:00

My tongue will get the best of me and I catch myself HOURS or maybe even a day later like, “why on earth did you say that”. By then I feel like it’s too late to bring it back up.

It is never too late to apologize! It’s a great opportunity for you to be vulnerable with your fiancé and the father of your child. Instead of letting it build up unaddressed and become an issue for the both of you, you can bring it up a day or two later when you’ve had the opportunity to cool down. You can tell him that you’re sorry for being petty the other day, and explain where it really comes from - a place of insecurity because sometimes you’re scared you aren’t enough for him or that he doesn’t want to grow old with you. Try not to do this in an accusatory way - you’re aiming to open up on why this is something that’s weighing on YOU, not something that he has wronged you for. In my experience, being vulnerable and genuine only makes men more protective of us and much more willing to do what it takes to help us through these feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

As for your marriage plans, you can (on a separate occasion, because that’s a lot of serious topics to cover in one talk) ask him what is holding him back from moving forward from engagement to marriage. He has already proposed to you on his own will AND has a child with you, so I think you may be jumping to the worst conclusions - he is pretty darn committed to you. Ask him if it’s the stress of planning an elaborate wedding that’s holding him back, or a fear of losing future assets in a potential divorce. He also said that he already sees you as his wife, but you would love to take the steps to see him as your husband.

Quite a few RPWs have eloped because they realized that they wanted the man and the relationship more than they wanted the fancy wedding party, and it seems to be a good compromise for fiancés who dread that aspect of a wedding. If it’s the assets thing, you guys could discuss a prenuptial agreement and how that would look for you two. If it’s something else, you can brainstorm ways that would make him more comfortable. Whatever his concern is, the goal is to let him know that you’re willing to compromise with him and that you care about his concerns because you want to solidify and strengthen your relationship, budding family, and future together.

Title	Insert title 🤷🏼‍♀️
Author	FitMonster11
Upvotes	1
Comments	11
Date	January 27, 2022 9:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/se9uzs/insert_title/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/insert-title.1099385 https://theredarchive.com/post/1099385

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