Hello ladies (and the rare gentleman here!),

I have been lurking on my main account for a while. I'm a woman (22 y.o.) who has always been unfailingly feminine; ever since I was a child, I acted "proper" naturally, and never understood "tomboys" who thought boys were gross. :) Every personality test (even ones that were paid for by employers) said the same thing: I am a nurturer, someone who is almost crippled by empathy at times.

Because of this, I fell into a pseudo-feminist trap. I have never paid attention to the crazy man-hating victimizing feminism of my generation, and instead just subscribed to the idea of egalitarian feminism. I wanted desperately for everyone to be equal, or at least for everyone to be able to pursue the lives they wanted to pursue. I still do want that for others.

But through it all, I felt like a traitor. I've never wanted to be a politician or a scientist. I wanted to learn opera and cooking, maybe teach for a couple years, and ultimately become a loving housewife and mother.

I've had to hide this from everyone. Every time my friends talk about becoming some powerful businesswoman or when they talk about never wanting kids, I cringe inside because I can't share those desires. I always felt ashamed of it. But reading through these posts, I feel like I'm in a place where I can be accepted.

About me and my future Captain:

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We live semi-separately, but for the most part we sleep in the same bed nine nights out of ten. We are moving in together next month. He is a full-time student, I work full-time. He has expressed the desire to be my husband, so while I know I do not have what is normally considered here to be a "serious relationship" yet, we are in the process of making plans for the future. We both just take marriage very seriously, and he wants to be graduated and financially stable before we take that step. I feel the same way.

I have been worried lately because I have some issues that I am taking steps to correct, but it's been causing me to battle him more than I should. When we met, he had taken a break from school and was working full-time in a wonderful position. But he has gone back to school and no longer works. Him not working (and me working full-time) has changed the dynamic of our relationship in a negative way. We fight about inconsequential things, and I want to do everything I can to stop that. I want him to go back to being my alpha, and I don't want to resent him for making me the primary breadwinner. I am doing my best to deal with the situation with grace, but I don't know how to make him feel like "the man of the house" again. Beyond that, I want to learn from you ladies how to be a proper First Mate. I want to know how to best support him. I also need to manage my stress better, and not take it out on him when I get overwhelmed. That is 100% my fault.

I have been reading through the sidebar material thoroughly, and it's been helping me with my reservations about TRP subreddit. I see a lot of woman-hating behavior there, but the "If you find TRP to be a little too raw" link really explained the cycle of grief well. I understand now that those comments are part of the grieving process.

I have reservations, so I guess you could call me a "baby RPW", but I am here with an open mind, ready to learn, ask questions (that haven't been already answered), and happy to contribute in a positive way.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

Edit: Also, this is a new account, but that's because (as I'm sure you all know) if I used my main, people in my life wouldn't understand, and people on reddit would use it to discredit me, attack me, or ban me from subreddits. D:

Edit 2: I have been really concentrating on my behavior today and I can totally tell the difference! He is happier and bought me flowers on a whim. I made him lunch when I found out he was stopping by on a break and he really appreciated it as well. I'm gonna concentrate on letting things go when I want to argue.

Thank you all!