Definition

Everything in this world has a body and a soul, physical and spiritual, existence and purpose or however else you want to describe it. Within each one there are many layers, from the deepest - most personal - elements to the most external trivial elements.

For example, within your physical body there's the brain, the heart and other vital organs and there's the skin, the nails and the hair which are relatively external to the brain etc. Yet, both the brain and the hair are part of your physical body and neither is part of the life that permeates it.

Likewise, within the soul or life force, there are more internal and external elements. From your deepest pleasures and desires all the way down to the sensation in your smallest toe which is external in relation to your deepest pleasures and desires.

Whenever you focus solely on the "body" of something while ignoring the "soul", you're objectifying that thing because you're only paying attention to the object or body half of it and not the purpose or soul within it.

Perception

There's a fundamental difference between how we perceive ourselves vs how we perceive others. We perceive ourselves from the inside out and others from the outside in.

When we think of ourselves, the most prominent is what's deepest and the most internal. Our deepest desires, hopes and dreams. Our external self is something we are hardly aware of on our own. We only place importance on externality because that's how others perceive us (as will be soon explained). When it comes to determining and describing what your deepest desires are, you can easily do that if you know how to articulate it. However, when it comes to knowing what your external parts are like, you have to look in the mirror and sometimes, you need others to tell you "that looks good/bad on you". Your external is of little importance to you. What's inside matters most to you.

The opposite is true with regards to how we perceive others. The first and only part of them you see is their skin. Even within the skin, the more private parts are covered. Your perception of their actions are also only the most external element of action and not the thoughts and feelings that motivated the action. We can sometimes look deeper and see the thoughts and feelings that are behind what people say and do, but that's only step two. Step one is our perception of the actual words that are said or action that's done.

Reasonable expectations

Once we understand this dichotomy, we can adjust our expectations accordingly. We all want to be loved by our spouses beyond what we do for them, desired beyond our looks and understood beyond our words. All of this is possible when our expectations are reasonable. When we understand that our spouses perception of us and therefore the way they relate to us is founded upon the very thing that's most external to us - we won't expect them to love, desire and understand unconditionally in the absence of the external.

The body acceptance people would love to believe that they should be desirable no matter how they keep their body. No matter how overweight, no matter what clothing you wear, no matter what kind of haircut. Truth is, that you will always accept yourself no matter what, but it's unrealistic to expect anyone else to love and accept you the way you love and accept yourself. The love others have for you begins with the most external elements and hopefully builds and gets deeper from there.

Conclusion

Our perception of ourselves is from the inside-out. Our perception of others is from the outside-in. Your spouse will love and desire you primarily for external reasons, the way you look and smell, the way you treat them and yes, the sex you have with them. Is it superficial? Of course it is! But it's impossible for them to access anything deeper without starting from the external. If you allow them in and have reasonable expectations, they will be able to love, desire and understand you beyond the external object of your body and actions.

Cheers!