Hi ladies

Quick background - I have recently finalised my divorce after a year + of separation; recently reconnected with an old acquaintance (38M). Currently dating him and we have become exclusive.

What I am struggling with:

I really don't understand how to be 'soft' and supportive. I know that sounds a bit absurd but I have a family and personal history of providing solutions rather than problems. What I mean by this - my father has always been the provider in our family, and when he has a bad day he barely shows it. Mum has always been the 'keeper' in the house, will boss dad around and even though dad is the head of the household she very much will lead inside the home if that makes sense. I haven't really ever seen her provide the shoulder to cry on to my dad - instead both have always been the swallow your problems and get on with it type. I therefore naturally have a short fuse for indulging in self pity.

Equally, my relationships have generally been with 'beta' men (which I am now changing and am reassessing myself). What that has meant however is that whenever they have had problems I have felt concious of giving them emotional support because it makes me feel like I am rewarding their behaviour. For example, my ex-husband often performed badly at his job (to the point where he got disciplined several times). I tried to provide the shoulder and comfort, but found that instead that seemed to send a message that I was validating his behaviour. Another long term ex boyfriend seemed to also feel really depressed about work, and ended up being unemployed and playing video games.

Therefore, I feel very naturally uncomfortable even knowing how to address my current man when he has problems. For example, today he told me he had a bad day and wasn't feeling great. The thing is I know this man is different - he is very succesful, military man. I know he is driven and self-sufficient. But the shrew in me took over and I could barely utter any words of support (I don't even think I have a vocabulary for it). I just told him that he shouldn't indulge in it and try move on as quickly as possible. He obviously didn't appreciate it.

Can you ladies help me - what do I say in these situations? What is my role here, to distract him? To provide solutions? I don't really understand. Given he is much more of a traditional man, what else can I do to be a good support base for him. Unfortunately we live far apart so I can't cook him dinner or breakfast etc, which is what I would love to do. Otherwise I am a bit stumped.

I don't want to screw this up. Please help!