I am a 24 year old female and I am in a relationship with a guy that I really love for about 1 year. We fit perfectly on everything and we are each others perfect match. I moved to his country to live together and have a life ongoing. However, on my side I have a terrible baggage: I come from a terrible household in which I had severe child abuse. My mother was a terrible narcissist: was using violence against me on a daily basis, verbal and emotional abuse(gas lightning included, she was trying to kill me several times, such as putting my head under water, putting a pillow over my head, throwing scissors and knives at me, etc) for most of my life until I managed to move out. What's worse is that I appeared as an accident and my parents had to be stuck together. My father felt like leaving many times, my mother was bringing him to his last nerves and thus we had violence on a weekly basis at least. My father had a stressful job and when he came home my mother would start yelling, throwing things, beating me etc and she would get in a fight with my father, he started drinking a little bit and became violent with my mother because of this and from time to time he became violent with me as well. At one point he beat me up so badly I was trembling, pissed myself, and ran outside in the snow at night. I was often bullied at school by children for dressing poor and having issues at home (they were violent too). On top of all this, I would stay after school mostly at my mother's family. They are controlling very much. They would control my every move and manipulate me emotionally as a child. (Such as pretending I should go to my father if I think they do something wrong) I became an extremely introverted child, I got into anime, reading, would avoid any interactions because I would be laughed at and looked down upon and often abused. I am from Eastern Europe and here they don't really have any laws against such. Teachers don't give a damn. And if you complain to children's right organisations they don't do much, worse is that you end up in a very bad place no one looks after you. I was afraid to speak up. I grew up very defensive because I was constantly blamed and attacked by all of the family members because they hated each other, and I was in the middle. My father is not perfect, but he did help me a little bit. However, he never felt content with the family we ended up with, so he would often hide money, not be sincere, often frustrated. He would let his anger on me sometimes...I felt often and still feel like no one's child. Often I wouldn't have proper food to eat because of lack of money. I grew up because of insecurities instilled by my mother (she would often use swearing, insults etc attacking every fiber of my being) and got into eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia. I was so malnourished I was close to dying. Couldn't get up on my feet. Couldn't breathe properly etc. I would throw up even an apple. I didn't feel it was wrong because often people with such issues don't see anything wrong with their choices. But I was self destroying myself. I felt worthless. I often wanted to die. I would lock myself in the bathroom trying to escape my mother's violence and cry. The neighbours knew about these and avoided us but never did anything(we moved there when i was 6 and stayed until 20, until then we lived in a small one room apartment, there the neighbours were thankful my parents left because there were violent fights and abuse going on. It started even before I was conceived, but got worse when my mom got pregnant.) I self harmed a lot from my childhood up to 21 years old. I took dangerous pills at some point and I was very scared after. I often tried to achieve my moms love and rewarding but nothing satisfied her. I went from being a troublesome hyperactive child when I was small to being a perfect student with top grades in school, while at home I had hell every day. I was studying because of multiple reasons: my parents would physically punish me if I made trouble and didn't study. My father would often be like: why am I providing you a roof over your head if you don't provide anything? And my mom just cared about impressions in front of other parents and adults. She would fake herself into being nice surrounding other adults and make me into a troblesome child. So because of fear and just keeping my brain occupied with something I started overworking myself with studying. It's when I developed my eating disorders (I must note I never ate properly as a child, lots of cheap junk food because of lack of money) so because I was often overworked and stressed out, I collapsed. My parents always ignored the issues with me. They never documented themselves on parenting. My father would tell me its not OK what I do but I didn't listen. (At that point I was unable to). At 19 my father said that he wants to leave that he only stayed because with my mom I would of been terrible ( but I don't know not to this day, I would of probably been better with my father but as a small child the child usually goes with the mother) and my father thought my mom would change. But she didn't. Never does. The divorce was a disaster. I had to travel back and forth because I moved out to the capital to study because my parents would get huge fights. My mom would self harm to convince my father to stay and she would become abusive. My aunt had to come to (which often happened when they would fight, the parents or relatives had to arrive to stop them from doing something worse like killing each other) and I would cry and be extremely fearful for my life and for the life of my parents. They managed to divorce but hardly. They sold the apartment, my father went with a woman he cheated with before they divorced. He stopped helping me with small things, finding excuses, being aloof etc. We had various arguments when i would visit him, many other things that are too long to write. Fast forward, 3 years later. After failed a relationship pretty ugly with a guy, I found someone else from a western country through a friend of both. It was instant attraction on several levels and we felt like soulmates. I told him these things, I was open about my past, and that I'm a heavy burden. He didn't have a perfect childhood either, his mom experiencing a narcissist mother but to a lower degree. (I have to mention in these years I documented myself on psychology, nutrition etc to improve myself and repair what was broken, I became obsessed of being what I should of been: a functional adult person, this all put me down so badly everyday so I wanted to help myself in improving after having failures in human interactions) I didn't have money to for a therapist. Its extremely expenses do anything would do. I am very self aware and able to lucidly analyse myself and others behaviour so I came to the conclusion based on my documentation that I have CPTSD and borderline personality disorder which is common with narcissist parents. It was very much affe ting me the fact it is so hard to treat and often unsuccessful. I gave it up and tried to push away my memories and my trauma in the back of my head but it doesn't work like that. Thus, it came back to me, whenever I become close with someone. I had a life governed by fear. However, I managed to move to his place. I felt like having a knife at the back of my head often of not doing a mistake and let my fight or flight take over but I failed. We often had fights, started in stupid issues, because I had my fight or flight reaction to certain triggers like words or actions. I really want to save the relationship an be able to work normally. I am a good person inside and I despise myself when my wounded ugly part gets out and hurts others because of the fact I was so hurt, like I want them to feel my pain because no one did. I end up wanting to kill myself or self harm badly. I feel physical pain for ruining anything. I don't want it and I want to have the life I've always wanted. I bought some books and I want to implement the things in them to help myself. I want to be less aggressive and defensive and pendulating between hurt and anger all the time. I would like to reach and ask for some help or advice, since I cannot have anything affordable or if you had something at least a bit similar, what helped you. Thank you lots!