Hello ladies, I'm a long time reader but don't post here often. This is a newer account as I burnt my old one after 2 years.

I have trouble with depression. Right now I'm in a rut of depression and I need to kick my ass to get out of it but I feel like I've exhausted all of my options. Perhaps you could give some advice? Whenever I used to get depressed I'd smoke a little pot. I wasn't a big user but once every few months I would smoke to keep myself up and on task. It gave me a mental kick start and made me self reflect to see where I was dropping the ball and I would be much better for a few months. My husband didn't like it so I quit. It's been a few years since I last smoked up.

In previous times of depression I've tried going out and making friends. I moved with my husband far away from all of the friends that I had made in school and work. But every time I do I feel like an out cast. I try to be nice and polite to people. I let people talk and I ask questions but never get the same in return. I met one person who I would consider an actual friend but they moved away about a year ago. I never know what I'm doing wrong. I've asked my husband and he says "you have to be friendly to make friends". I don't understand what I'm doing wrong though. I think I'm being nice but when asked to elaborate he's got nothing else to say. I think I put on a good outward face. I smile, laugh, and make myself look good. My husband likes the way I make myself up when we go out. But every tree I plant produces no fruit.

I tried joining a church to make friends as well. They were all very nice people but they were all very different than my husband and I. I felt like a wolf in sheeps clothing when around them. They were all so... good. I don't know if I can explain it. They're better people than we are. Not that we're bad people but we're just not as good as they are. We are acquaintances but they're not people that I would confide in.

Last year I got a job after being a stay at home mom for a few years. Once again I don't know where I went wrong. About 2 months in I was let go. I was given no explanation for my termination. This isn't just some hamstering "I did nothing wrong" BS. They literally wouldn't tell me why they fired me. It broke my heart because I loved working there and I gave it all I had.

I usually kept myself busy in previous years doing as my mother taught me planning family events and get togethers. But my husband told me that we're not hosting them this year. I really loved doing them. It kept me busy and gave me direction. I didn't think it would bother me when he told me earlier this year. But the closer it comes the more depressed I feel. The major family get together that we normally host is coming up this weekend and I just don't think I could go with out braking down. I'm going to stay home and save my husband from my self.

I've tried contacting therapists within 50 miles of me but no one is taking new clients. I've tried talking to my husband but when I do he changes the subject and I shut down because I feel like he doesn't care. I'm not the type of person to talk and talk with out someone else asking questions and furthering conversation. So when someone changes the subject I stop talking about whatever I was talking about.

I've tried suggesting that I go back to school to earn my degree and make friends but my husband thinks that education is a waste of money and refuses to move so that I can go. My mom left me a large sum of money when she passed so that I could go back to school with out going into debt. I would go the online rout but I know that I'm someone who learns best while in the classroom. I would end up failing any online courses.

I know I've been lacking in every department as of late. I just don't know how to pull myself out of it this time. I've got no direction. I've asked my husband for some direction asking what I can do to be useful but I get an "I don't know". I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party. I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from what I've tried. Maybe you guys can suggest something that I haven't thought of or tried? I want to be a better me but don't know how to do it.

Edit: I have decided to go to my dads for a few days. Not because of any of this but because I have just found out that my house is infested with wasps. They are ALL OVER. And my husband is not able to come home tonight to help take care of the problem. I thank you for your advice but will probably not be able to respond for a few days.