When I was younger I was always trying to be the "nice guy" to women, hoping they would give me the attention I wanted (long story why I wanted attention that is irrelevant in this context). Obviously it never worked - they all went for the lacrosse players and football players while I jerked off while using my tears for lube.

So I flipped it, and decided I wanted to just have sex with as many women as possible and be the guy who counted notches and told the stories I always heard from other people.

I found satisfaction in neither.

I met a girl I was really into, and fucked it up in a number of ways. Long story short, I opened up for the first time in a few years and was genuinely interested in a serious relationship based on honesty and openness.

Being open and honest is not what fucked it up, but it's part of the realization I had today.

The girls I never gave a shit about and admittedly treated like shit chased me around while the girls I actually was really interested in building a relationship with got turned off at some point.

If I want an actual relationship (which I hadn't wanted in years since my ex cheated on me and stole my money and did a whole host of other shit, which led to me closing myself off and just fucking random girls - but this most recent girl, who I hadn't actually had sex with, made me realize that I actually missed companionship and want it with someone I respect and care about), I need to treat women as if I don't care.

The girls who will put in the effort to building the relationship I want are the ones who work to try to earn my affection and attention.

My realization: if I hadn't given this girl my attention and made it clear early on that I was interested in something more, then I would've had what I wanted. To get what I want, I have to play the shitty games and manipulate and do all the other nonsense that works with gaming girls I don't care about until I have the one I want in the context in which I want her.

I have drawn two conclusions, both equally shitty: I can either whine about how shitty human nature is, or use it to my advantage and just take what I want without remorse.