In my previous post, I talked about how the process of internalizing a new belief is hard as fuck, because de-conditioning oneself requires a lot of work. And it will be difficult for certain TRP practitioners to take the first step at all because of the sheer unwillingness of the ego to go through the unlearning process that requires them to reject a part of their identity.

Many tendencies are also buried into the subconscious, well-hidden from our “conscious” way of operating. To alter such a deep aspect of oneself would thus take a lot more than simply wishing for it.

With such rigid obstacles in the way, it’s simply unfortunate that many guys will never be able to fully internalize a new belief system. But we acknowledge that thus is life.

In my first post, I wrote that I am no longer part of this community, the reason being that TRP could no longer help me go any further. What I mean more precisely is that, for the full 2 years I’ve been on this sub, while I solved the superficial issues I had pre-TRP, I never got anywhere close to dealing with certain other deeper problems I had.

Problems originating from my huge lack of inward focus.

#3: Rediscover your Humanity

Recall the 4w’s I’ve briefly alluded to in my first post:

  1. What did I want? Pussy.
  2. When did I want it? Asap.
  3. Who wanted it? Well, me obviously.
  4. How did I get it? TRP was the toolbox.

But there’s the grand, albeit cheesy question that gets grossly overlooked, but I would argue to actually be the most important: Why did I want pussy? Back then, I would’ve answered something along the lines of: “Easy, I like to fill holes because it feels good,” then continued about my day.

But that answer is incomplete.

When I contemplate how good it feels to have the tip of my penis sucked on, that’s the “animal” part of me manifesting itself. It’s biological: most guys can relate to me because our bodies function the same. So when I answer from that standpoint, I know I can be met with a universal “no shit bro”.

But what about me, Jaccalope? What about the “human” part of me? That part of me that likes to discover and learn new things, to create a legacy? The Mona Lisa to her Da Vinci? The humanity within me that likes to arbitrarily attach meaning to certain events and objects where there is “objectively” or “scientifically” none?

How does having pussy answer that part of me? Does it make me feel more masculine? More enlightened? More powerful? Or am I using it as a tool to escape my problems, like a drug?

Basically, during my stay in this community, I was never able to answer the following question to myself: What personal craving does sexual intimacy with a woman satisfy beyond physical stimulation?

My inability to answer this laid the foundations for the faulty trajectory I created for my TRP journey.

​

Journey highlight #3: In my first post, I talked about how, aside from the lack of pussy, I was doing pretty well. To complement it alongside the success of my other areas, I started boosting my SMV:

  • Tangibly; through lifting, wardrobe cleansing, studying harder, etc., and.
  • Artificially; through gaming, speech techniques, and perception manipulation.

In the beginning, I boosted my SMV to get girls. But as I got more familiarized with the “TRP way” of doing things, I started telling myself that I was boosting my SMV for myself. That trying to score higher body counts, garnering more respect, and landing a high-paying job was for the sake of my own happiness.

But as I attached more of my self-worth into my own perception of SMV, I subconsciously started to give lots of fucks about objectively being a high value man. And it showed.

For example, I would have no issues disagreeing on matters of personal taste (pineapple on pizzas are delicious btw) but would often feel insecure if there was a guy in the same room as me that I thought had better looks and game than me. Because the presence of such a man threatened who I wanted to be. I wanted to be at the top of the totem pole, and having others being better than me in my direct environment made me feel uneasy.

However, I never paid much attention to such feelings; I simply just tried to dismiss them using some meditative “let-it-go” techniques and reinforced the belief that I needed to keep working on my SMV. That I needed to keep my tunnel vision and get to the top asap. Once there, I thought, all my problems would go away.

But there is one very notable event where I couldn’t shake off those feelings, no matter how much I wanted to or tried to distract myself. And it’s that occurrence that planted the first seeds of doubt into my own conscious, the first time I’ve ever poked at my own structure of beliefs and asked myself: “Am I doing something wrong?”

It was a party-like event where a bunch of my friends and I gathered together. As I was enjoying myself, one of my friends introduced me to a friend of his. I instantly recognized this “friend” as a girl I had a huge crush on a few years prior, but never initiated due to my pursuit of another girl at the time. I was a bit envious at first, but barely enough to catch myself in the thought. As the night progressed though, I noticed them interacting; the way she was looking at him, the way her body moved to stick to his, the way she caressed his chin and pulled him in for the kiss… Fuck. That KILLED me. My inner voice went ballistic. I got envious and insecure as fuck. It got to a point where I could no longer interact properly with others for the duration of that event. I couldn’t hold frame without my discontentment bleeding out into my behavior. What a shitty night.

From that event forward, I started to doubt my TRP journey. The following question was haunting me: “If I can fuck bitches, if I’m high SMV, why the fuck did I feel so much envy?” Because while my SMV didn’t lie, my feelings didn’t lie either. Every single ounce in my body knew it felt envy. I thought that with the progress of my TRP journey, such feelings would go away too. But they didn't.

I also didn’t know where to look for the answers. I did not bother bringing this issue to TRP, because I didn’t want to be shamed for having such insecurities.

Instead, I just continued doing what I always knew: I worked on my SMV and kept giving advice to the community. By distracting myself with familiar, affirmative tasks, I slowly got to bury that dreadful experience somewhere into my deep conscience.

Hence, the thought that there would be a huge difference between how I thought I’d feel in my self-improving TRP journey vs. how I actually felt bugged the hell out of me. I started acknowledging that there may be a massive red area in my life but couldn’t for the life of me pinpoint what it was.

[…]

Earlier, I introduced the following question: What personal craving does sexual intimacy satisfy beyond physical stimulation? If this was asked around the period where that event happened, I’d have no idea what it meant nor how to answer that.

But after the progress I’ve made post-TRP, I can and will answer on the behalf of my past self exactly what it was:

Having a high body count is an indicator that I am a desirable man. That some woman out there wants me. Sharing sexual intimacy was thus a buffer to my self-worth.

But I can even take this one step further, beyond intersexual dynamics. Because, in fact, my whole faulty construct of SMV revolved around the same concept:

That someone out there would want me.

Beyond having options, spinning multiple plates should guarantee me more female validation.

Beyond a good salary, a high-paying job should guarantee me more social recognition.

The insidious truth is that, beyond the obvious end-goal, these SMV pillars were buffers that served to satisfy a deep-rooted emotional emptiness. Where every time I hit the targeted goal, that emptiness gets filled for a brief moment and I could rejoice. Where, conversely, every time I missed the targeted goal, that emptiness resurfaced briefly to remind me how much of a useless piece of trash I was.

When I came to TRP, I wanted to fix the lack of pussy. But I never realized how wanting to fix that meant that my happiness standards included pussy in the first place. That a part of my self-worth was invested into how often other girls are attracted to me.

​

Pitfall #3: Throughout my TRP journey, my lack of inward focus rushed me into a trajectory that only served to magnify the unhealthy mental models I used pre-TRP. By revolving my self-worth and my purpose around an objective measure of SMV, I was bound to feel insecure around people with objectively better SMV. Basically, by not being the alpha in the room when all I care is about being alpha… well I felt like shit.

Whereas pre-TRP, my sense of worth came from being externally validated, my TRP phase merely created an extension of that called “being objectively high SMV”. Being successful to me meant being high SMV, without ever pondering the fact that SMV was defined to me by some internet strangers who based measures of human value by societal standards.

And in the process of making societal standards the voices of affirmation backing my journey to success, I unknowingly discarded the most important voice of all… my own.

​

Reflection #3: Consider the following two phrases that, at first, seem to mean the same thing, but actually imply significantly different things:

  1. A high value man fucks a lot of women.
  2. The man who fucks a lot of women is high value.

In which statement does being “the man” mean more to you? (1) or (2)? Because beyond the grammatical subject/object difference, those two phrases do not believe in the same thing.

I used to think that statement (2) was the way to go, not only for women, but for all I did:

  • Action: I need to fuck a lot of women | Conclusion: I’m high SMV.
  • Action: I need to secure a high-paying job | Conclusion: I’m high SMV.
  • Action: I need to befriend popular people | Conclusion: I’m high SMV.

By having such actions precede the conclusion that I'm high SMV, I fell into the trap of relying on external measures of progress to feed my self-worth. Can you see it?

Without ever considering that switching the subject/object could still stand:

  • Action: I’m high SMV | Conclusion: I can fuck a lot of women.
  • Action: I’m high SMV | Conclusion: I can secure a high-paying job.
  • Action: I’m high SMV | Conclusion: I can befriend popular people.

This may seem counterintuitive. The main argument would be that a high SMV man is made, not born. It would thus technically be impossible for “high SMV” to precede any of its pillars, wouldn’t it?

This is where I say: My value as a man is (and should be) subjective. Let me explain.

The issue with having everything defined objectively is that definitions are bound to start heated debates. Because of people’s general difference in upbringing and understanding of their environment, there will never be an agreed upon consensus.

I want to take that further though: What is the point on reaching a consensus? To make a religion out of TRP? To smack some commandments into the faces of its followers and make them abide to some cookie-cutter protocol? To then make them atone for their “sins”? Fuck that, there are enough religions out there, and the world certainly doesn’t need to create an extra group of martyrs for a stupid cause.

But I get the appeal to define certain concepts objectively.

  1. Science needs data. In order to measure certain variables, scientists need to operate with a consistent and clear definition of certain concepts in order to interpret data.
  2. Objectivism creates a sense of unity, a sense of cause that people can throw themselves at.

But the need to define everything objectively inevitably comes with need for conformity too. In an attempt to not dissociate from the pack, a man may have to bend his own boundaries…

In an attempt to avoid ostracization, a man may have to go against his gut feeling…

And in an attempt to remain “a red-pilled alpha”, a man may have to go against the “beta” thing to do, even if he knows, deep down, that it's the thing he wants to do.

You see where I’m getting at?

When I started TRP, I strictly thought in terms of red and blue. “What would alphas do? What would betas do?” But as I got more assertive with my way of doing things, there were times where I would doubt certain thoughts because they did not follow the TRP conformity of doing things. In my unwillingness to put myself first, I was limited by the knowledge of what I learned in this community. I couldn’t go further without sometimes having my own desires clash with what TRP preached.

And even though that inner voice of mine was screaming to get heard, I was never able to put it first. It was always something else that came first: my parents’ obligations for my early childhood, social pressures through my teenage years, then TRP thereafter.

Some obsessive need to get things done the “right way”.

But what if life doesn’t need to be done “the right way”? What if I instead just craved doing it “my” way?

That’s the humanity within us that I alluded to earlier: the desire to execute our journey in our own imperfect way. The part of us who craves a challenge, who expresses art as an extension of himself, who can bring innovation. Without acknowledging this humanity, we cannot be purposeful in our truest intents. Without using this beautiful gift that is our own freedom, we are simply animals, confined by the limitations of the tribe and of our own brains.

Beyond thinking in shades of red vs. blue, I evolved to think in terms of what works FOR ME vs. what doesn’t work FOR ME. Not what women want me to be. Not what society wants me to be. And certainly not what TRP wants me to be.

But who I want to be. To become my own ultimate judge.

To me, all those platitudes about “alpha/beta dynamics”, “don’t LTR single moms”, “hypergamy doesn’t care” are noise. They’re just another bunch of cool mesh of words trying to conform me to an idea. To prevent me from failing. And I would argue the very reason why TRP became a shadow of itself is because the LARPers love talking so frequently about what not to do instead of letting each other take an L and let their own experience and introspection become their teacher.

If you go against TRP protocol and decide to get married, the gun may always be loaded and ready to fire. But what they omit to tell you is that you also have the ability to point your eyes straight into the barrel and smirk in full confidence saying: “I dare you.” Because the man who builds and defines his own value from who he is, and not what he has, knows that the woman has so much more to lose than him. Would you put your money on a random guy in this sub to do this?

If you want to get married, take the necessary precautions, live it out, and see for yourself. No one but your "red pilled alpha conscience" actually gives a shit.

Ultimately, be the one to call the shots. Be the one to choose your mistakes. What a goddamn blessing that is!

​

Conclusion & Solution #3: To become a high value man, from what I've seen, goes beyond the affirmation of superficial traits like spinning plates, net worth, status, etc. It transcends the Red Pill and the Blue Pill, the alpha and the beta. But what being high SMV in your life actually means is for you to discover by yourself.

But what I can say with certainty is that my personal definition required inward focus.

I went through some traumatic experiences in my life. Whether that may be a bullying experience, a childhood abandonment experience, a tragedy, or whatever else, they’ve made me suffer. And given the tools I had at the time, my only solution was to cope by suppressing it deep into my subconscious, hoping to never ever deal with it ever again.

What inward focus requires is to solve that issue once and for all rather than avoiding it any longer. Because by keeping it hidden underneath, I’m passively allowing it to bleed into my belief systems without being fully aware of it.

Inward focus means to be able to yank that wounded kid up from my deep conscience, to have him sit in a chair opposite from mine, to allow him to feel the full extent of his pain, and to comfort him whenever he needs me to. Because to give myself the space and time to fully lean into that experience gives me the proper closure to let this experience no longer hold me back.

I even cried a little doing so.

All of this sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Who cares, it worked for me.

And if you've done everything I did but somehow are in the best possible place physically and mentally of your life, then that's great too. Who am I to discredit your experience? Just do what works for you.

[…]

This write-up turned out way longer and messier than originally anticipated. So here's a TL;DR:

  • Do what you want, regardless of alpha/beta/redpilled/bluepilled. By doing things not through the “red pilled alpha” way, but through your own instinctual way, you give yourself the opportunity to experience how a certain action may impact you differently;
  • Be aware to not neglect the inner aspect of yourself. How you feel can often be the symptom of a deep-rooted issue that may or may not require better coping methods down the line;
  • Operating with your own subjective belief system rather than this community’s objective one will add a personal touch of depth into your life that this community will NEVER be able to offer.

EDIT: Formatting