How An Alpha Buys Christmas Gifts

You homos probably already bought a bunch of gay presents for your wife's son, but here's how you would have done it if you were an alpha like me:

Knee Pads. Every Christmas I always buy knee pads for my main girlfriend, my side bitch, my mistress, your mom, etc

At least five pairs of knee pads. Every year it gets more expensive, but it's the least I could do for all of the women in my life who spend time on their knees sucking, fucking, doggy-styling and cleaning my house.

You probably don't think giving Christmas gifts is alpha. In fact you probably prefer receiving... with your ass.

Today I'm going to teach you queers how a real alpha gives gifts.

Being an alpha is about giving what you want, not what they want. I live by a code.

Like that time I gave a college freshman my Boston clam chowder, one drunk man's trash is another man's lukewarm, half eaten meal. Come the holidays, I'm always in the spirit of giving. Especially loads.

She didn't want my baby gravy. I told her, relax babe, I'm gonna pull out. But I didn't. Because a real alpha isn't afraid to change the game plan. Life throws obstacles at you: LMR, children out of wedlock, warrants for your arrest, that's just part of being alpha, bro. There's a lesson in there fellas.

Write it down. Thank me later.

Let's talk Menthol Cough Drops. Personally, I just go to Costco and buy a crate. Why? Because I care about women. This is the season of giving.

Imagine having 9 Incher power slamming into your larynx for 30 minutes. Huh? Half you queers don't even have to strain your imagination. You're gonna need a cough drop or two. Maybe some orange tic tacs, get the smell of loads out of your mouth when my mother comes over. It's disrespectful.

You got some special ladies in your life? Be a gentleman and offer them a handful after she does her due diligence on the ol meathammer, if you catch my drift. It's quite literally the least you could do.

Bedsheets: Ok, this is a big ticket item here, I'm not gonna lie. You can't make a habit of splurging left and right spending $45 money you don't have, I get it. But hear me out.

If you've got a special lady in your life, you buy her some bedsheets. Why? Cause we've all been there. A romantic evening, you're feeling experimental. You half ass some line about how you're only 2/3 of the way there from your relationship being fully consummated. Sweetheart, you're the goods, I love your beautiful soft eyes, the way you knit sweaters, the way you're capable of utilizing Microsoft Excel. I don't want anything left unsaid between us.

A One, a two, you stick it in the poo.

Whoops, you pull out too fast. Ok accidents happen. She's gonna need new bed sheets.

I'll I'm saying is when you find yourself in this situation, don't be pointing stinky fingers assigning blame.

You got your peanut butter in my chocolate, what gives? Look, we're all adults here, hopefully. Just hose her down and take her to bed bath and beyond. When she asks why you put more lube in the cart, you say "beyond". It's thoughtful. Women appreciate that.

Ok I know I just spent the majority of my article talking about what to buy women this Christmas.

I didn't talk about what you buy the fellas and you's probaby thinking I'm some kind of Feminism.

But look fellas, we hang out all year. You never once complimented me on the dimple on my chin, my long lashes, and my manicured brow. Now all of a sudden when the holidays rolls around, I gotta go to the Apple store and buy you another hardcore porn e reader.

When we went to the bar and you got sloppy and embarrassed me, you were looking at me like, "You're the one who invited me, faggot, WOOOO!" You think I fucking forgot? You think I'm gonna reward this behavior with milk and fucking cookies? Meet me on the front lawn of my cousin's house, bitch, I'll kick your ass. What am I gonna buy you a bicycle? Get it yourself you half a fag!