I'm not sure if this is on topic or not so the mods can remove it if it isn't. This is the only community that doesn't give bullshit answers and I have no place left to turn aside from going to a shrink and getting pills to put me on autopilot for the rest of my life , so hopefully you guys have something worthwhile to say about this.

I'm 24. I regretfully still live with my parents. Kind of hurts to say that. I've traveled to various countries with friends, partied with some thots, banged a few girls here and there. I never really ended up working on myself or my own skills, so now that the fun is over I'm faced with trying to build a career for myself from scratch.

There's really not much to me. I'm easily outdone by my friends in most things, especially work. I don't really try that hard. I want to, but now everything is just sort of painted grey. I want to live the life of a man, you know? Build shit, hang out with cute girls, learn shit, stay buff (always have worked out ever since I was little). But there's no drive. It's like everything is just sort of flowing by, and when I reach my hand out to touch the water it all just passes right through me.

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. I didn't really care much at first, but now I kind of miss having that one thing that was always there. I recently started talking with her again and that just makes me feel worse for some reason and I can't figure out why. The last few months I've been thinking it might just be easier to drown myself than try and force myself to do all these things that feel so empty.

I know, suicide is a faggoty thing to talk about but it's all that's been going through my mind lately. I wake up every morning wondering why I even woke up. I don't want shit to be this way but all these shitty feelings are crushing and constant, it's like being under a Boulder. It's crushing you and there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Every night I go to bed with a strong desire, "tomorrow will be different" I say. I set my alarm clock early, plan to go on a jog early in the morning to wake up. But I end up laying in bed for hours having panic attacks about my future, about my mistakes, about every little thing that has ever or could ever happen to me. I wake up hours late, already defeated and back to my normal routine of low effort living.

I've tried all the shit people talk about on countless blog posts, man. Read books, learn things, get a hobby, workout, eat right, meditate, find God. I've done it all. For years. But in the end it all just feels so empty. I'm not sure what to do with all this, where to start even. I'm close to losing my only job because I just end up drifting off into this shell of depression while working and never end up putting real effort in.

If this didn't get deleted, thanks for at least taking the time to read this. I hope none of you ever end up in a situation like this.