My family: my father is an weak submitting alcoholic, my mother is dominating BPD (never diagnosed).

So quick story of my dating life:

  1. Find a girl.

  2. Desirable type is Cluster B. Narcissistic personality disorder, BPD, Histrionic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. APD is rare in girls, also they overlap - Narcissist would be slightly a BPD and also antisocial and even also histrionic.

  3. It's even better when the girl had a boyfriend. Love was associated inside my brain with envy, pain and competition. Since me, my brother and my father were all in constant competition with each other for my mom's attention. We all were her servants.

  4. Then I would try to 'win the mommy's love' like in classic good guy / bad guy movie. And the girl-abuser like to see men competing over them (triangulation) since it distracts them from seeing through her mask.

Then after a lot of pain I went into 'Monk mode', wait a while, and then repeat. Many people are trying to repeat their painful childhood - I was no exception. Finally I broke a circle.

So Take a look at yourself. If you hating women or despise women or go MGTOW away from this 'cunts' you may be projecting something. In order to salvage your good mommy fantasy you start to hate all the women in order to prove that they 'worse then your mommy'.

The truth is that most of the women may be cheating, whoring, fat, with blue hair, whatever. But they didn't do and won't do anything harmful to you. So fuck them, let them be. Your mom is another story.

The healing solution? Reading books specifically on PTSD, complex PTSD, trauma and codependency (Pete Walker is good, Alice Miller is good, Judith Herman is good but a little bit feministic).

And if you knew the specific diagnosis then you buy books like 'Stop walking on eggshels' for BPD, or 'Adult children of Alcoholics'. If you are not sure - take 'Toxic parents' first.

Actually most of the PTSD therapy is the same core TRP stuff: borders, saying no, assertiveness, trusting your feelings, not reacting to manipulation, stop giving a fuck about other people problems.

In parallel I'm watching Richard Grannon channel and Sam Vaknin channel. They both have tons of relevant information, although predominantly on narcissism.

Sidebar is not enough. Educate yourself on Cluster B.