Hi guys, I have been lurking around this subreddit for about a year and thought I would share my still incomplete self improvement journey with you. You probably won't learn much from this, but writing this down helps me realize how far I got until now. Or maybe it may help you see how, no matter how shitty you think your situation is, there's always someone who is worse off than you. Objectively, only people with diseases could have less SMV than I do.

I am european. I was born with the most unattractive looks you can imagine (not really genetics, my brothers are average looking, I suspect my mother had been smoking and drinking while pregnant or something like that). Around the age of 10 my parents divorced, so I was raised by a single, alcoholic mother who kept trying to convince me that I was actually handsome and never pushed me to improve myself.

To top it all off I had autistic traits, yet ironically this was the handicap that ended up saving my life in the end; as many autists do, I spent a lot of time in my computer, learning as much as I could in all related fields such as programming, networking or internet marketing.

Thanks to my high IQ I was able to land a decent job in another country, doing reasonably well financially, but I kept having a inner hate for the alpha males around me (it was a multinational office environment). Totally buying into the BP narrative about how they were "assholes" that "mistreated" women, I tried to be the nicest guy you can imagine. Needless to say, this got me nowhere with women, and I ended up getting ill due to stress and going back moneyless to my hometown without having had any sex so far. I was prescribed antidepressants and did nothing but play games and smoke pot whole day.

At the age of 25 I managed to arrange meeting a girl from another city through the internet. She was reasonably good looking, but mind you, this was before the current age of hypergamy, Tinder, Facebook and Instagram, when girls would like you just for the validation, and this would have been impossible these days. However the experience didn't last long . My lack of a job coupled with my uglyness and bluepillness made my SMV literally zero. We had sex, but it was terrible and neither of us got an orgasm. She broke up with me shortly thereafter, so I went back to my useless lifestyle.

Fast forward to five years later, some post wall whale with horrible attitude I met also through the internet tried to have unprotected sex with me, so she could have her pay and kids. Luckily I was unable to get a boner with her and ended kicking her out a while later.

That's when I realized I had hit the bottom and started working on my finances, totally ignoring the existence of women save for some girls I chatted up randomly who ended up friendzoning me every time. But I didn't care as the antidepressants kept my sexual drive low, another lucky coincidence. Finally, I was able to get a pretty decent job working for home. In this job I had to organize people to work on different tasks, which helped develop some leadership skills, probably my first step into alphaness.

At the age of thirty something I decided to quit my job as I felt I had hit a dead end and start my own business with the experience acquired. Things worked pretty well and in a matter of a year I was making more money than I thought I would ever have. Having heard all my life about how girls love guys with money, I mistakenly thought this would be making me attractive by itself, so I started flirting with some young girls from my work environment. However all I managed was to get used or come out as creepy.

That was when I decided to quit my antidepressants. For some reason, I thought they were holding me back, keeping me in a limbo where I never felt too sad or happy about anything. But I also discovered they were keeping my sex drive and my desire for self improvement low; I was literally a woman in the skin of a man, hence why I could never get anything but "friends" from the opposite sex, no matter how unattractive the girl. I say "friends" because young women generally don't really see men as friends the same way as we do but as a resource to be used for validation or money, something I realized later on thanks to TRP and my own self improvement journey.

Shortly after quitting them, I started to feel the urge for sex, but I felt I needed some advice on how to get laid, and eventually ended up discovering this subreddit, one of the best things that happened in my life. As my social environment was non existant and I worked from home, I decided to move to a poor, foreign country, as I figured out that would help me removing myself from my past and increase my SMV. My hometown felt like a dead end as all my friends and family already had a preconceived image of me, and an article I read here talked about how they would refuse to accept my self improvement efforts, keeping me in their pre conceived image of bluepillness and dragging me down.

I was wrong about automatically increasing my SMV in this new country though. Life is not easy, men here are very red pill because they need to be, and I wouldn't be seen as anything but a money bag. Yet being surrounded by such a harsh environment was helpful in increasing my alpha traits by example. I started hitting the gym frequently, as being fat or unfit seems to be almost offensive here and I wanted to fit in. I gradually quit smoking pot, as I was feeling lazy and unproductive and especially, lacking awareness about people who wanted to use or scam me, as I was still Mr Nice Guy and trying to please everyone around me above my own interests. At that time -just some months ago- I found about sugar dating and decided to give it a try. Seemed like a good deal right? Trading money for feminine company. However my SMV was still too low and aging didn't help. I dated a few girls from there and finally ended up with a reasonably good looking, pre-wall girl. She was really submissive, the "nice girl" type, but she was obviously not into me and kept delaying sex. Despite having improved my alpha traits slightly, I was still technically a virgin as I had not had complete sexual intercourse. My bad sense of clothing and style and lack of grooming did not help either, coupled with the fact that in this country is kind of socially unacceptable for a girl to get drunk, I could never get her into a state where she could ignore my lack of manliness.

And finally, during a little holiday trip to an east european country, I managed to lose my virginity (I didnt have a complete sexual intercourse until then) to a crazy 20-something with obvious daddy issues. We were both totally drunk. It felt awesome, but the alcohol and the fact that I had told her about my "girlfriend" -yeah, it's so true that women attract more women- seems to have had more to do with that success than my newly started self improvement journey. Anyhow, feeling how sex was really like, and the effect it can have in your self esteem, really helped.

You may be asking yourself why I did not just hire a prostitute. It just didn't feel right for me and I felt ashamed about telling a woman about my virginity (she would probably realized herself if I didn't. I did have an "erotic massage" but it did not felt too great so I gave up going that way for now. Back in my country of adoption I figured out my sugar baby was too unattracted by me to have a normal relationship and she just enjoyed being taken to expensive dinners and parties, so I ended up dumping her. It was ironical though that my first sexual experience meant I had "cheated" on her, but of course it was not a real relationship. Figured out my money was better spent on increasing my SMV, so I started getting surgery for all my facial defects and hitting the gym seriously. So nowadays I am in this monk mode of sorts, silently correcting my ugliness and buying nice clothes.

I would like to end this story telling you how I'm getting laid easy, but this journey is longer and harder at my age than being 20-somethings as most of you, and I am still working on it. My SMV may be somewhere around 5 by now, mostly due to my wealth. But thanks to you I can see now things the way the are and finally working in myself instead of expecting women to like me for my niceness. So instead, I will end it, for now, thanking you guys for this place and the encouragement your stories gave me. Love you guys (no homo)