Sometimes, an attaboy feels good. When you've been working hard, and you get that pat on the back you deserve. But, validation is dangerous. It is the reward aspect of social interaction.

It is dangerous to get (seek.), and dangerous to give. You must walk a fine line.

When you reward a dog with validation, the dog learns good from bad, and right from wrong. Not only that, but validation is comforting, and it's social safety for people. People with low self esteem, or those who are easily intimidated, especially seem to seek validation. That is because they have not done the job of validating themselves, because they're unable to. They lack high self esteem and confidence. This is due to a recurring pattern of hopelessness and lack of proof for why said individual should be confident. This could also be due to a life or childhood of overly received validation, it becomes expected by the individual.

Receiving validation isn't a bad thing, seeking it out, is.

Granting validation isn't a bad thing, but it is when it is not warranted or when it is over the top.

When you seek validation, or for lack of a better word, crave it, your insecurities shine through. Seeking validation is anti-alpha 101. Leaders grant individuals validation when necessary or needed to complete tasks. Thus, the one who is in charge of said interaction, holds the most power in terms of comfort and safety, or denial of such. Leaders do not give validation without reason, the validation would become meaningless. It is a carrot hung above someone's head when they're starving, and the validators asks, "what will you do for this carrot?" Small bites of the carrot are slowly given. If the carrot was given all at once, it would be meaningless. The individual wouldn't have to work for it.

When the one seeking validation does not possess the carrot, he is basically saying, "please hold this carrot above my head, let me show you what I can do." It is proving yourself to individuals instead of proving yourself to the one thing that does matter, and where validation really proves itself, to yourself.

It's very easy to invalidate someone. While ignoring, minimizing, name-calling, and blaming are clearly invalidating, subtle things like facial expressions, body language, word choices can be equally damaging.

When we give and revoke validation in a relationship, we set the tone of who is proving what to another. If we over validate, or validate when it is not warranted, we have an individual who believes they are above us.

Validation should be given RARELY. Instead of complimenting her looks, compliment what the person/she does for you, and only do it when you're honestly impressed.

Validation should NEVER be something you seek. Seeking validation is needy, it displays a low self esteem, and a weak sense of self.

Most importantly: how do know when you're seeking validation? Whilst in a social situation, if you are expecting a particular outcome or set of words to go your way and rationalizing why it should, you are seeking validation. Never give a fuck what the outcome is, or what people say or do. Worry about your actions and the outcomes you possess control of.

Do not be the anti alpha, prove yourself, to yourself. Do whatever it is you're doing for yourself, and always keep this in mind. When you're confident and truly believe in yourself, through your hard work, you've done the leg work and do not have this need for external validation.