INTRODUCTION: My last field report focused on my aunt, Stacy, who conned her second husband into giving her two children and then proceeded to ghost him. I have a large family and am grateful for all the insights I can glean from their failures. Without further delay, here is the tale of my uncle’s downfall. Let’s call him Leo, since he resembles Leonardo DiCaprio.

BODY: Leo was born the youngest of six brothers, with a twenty-five-year gap between him and his eldest brother. By this time, the cold hearts of his immigrant parents had begun to melt. As a child, he shared his dream of becoming a doctor with his family. Leo was lavished with unassailable praise and unquestionable agreement. Unlike his siblings, who were subject to physical discipline whenever they misbehaved, his parents never laid a finger on him. Condensation was forming.

Leo blossomed into the rich white kid. He was intelligent, built, musically gifted, popular (both on Myspace and in real life), sporty and always dressed and looked his best. On several occasions, he would do something dangerous or stupid, and his parents would forgive him with open arms. Despite the thousands of dollars invested in his tuition, he underperformed. Leo’s quest to becoming a doctor would take seven years instead of four, which his parents commended him for nonetheless. Even when he wrote-off his $15,000 car, his parents did not scold him or forbid him from driving. Leo was untouchable. He got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Women even fawned over him, as they tend to do, although he felt no inclination to respond.

That was, until he met his oneitis.

Enter Katy, a law student that Leo meets through a mutual friend. His reptilian brain kicks into sexual overdrive; every second thought is about this girl. Week after week he escorts this girl to the dearest restaurants in the country. Each year they would pick a continent and spend several weeks there. Year after year after year. He showered her with gifts. He quit the sporting activities that she deemed unacceptable. He was successfully convinced that ‘meat is murder’ and became a permanent vegetarian. And he surrendered his masculinity. Meanwhile, every single person in my family hates Katy, myself included. I’m a firm believer that the word ‘hate’ is intensely strong and might seem irrational at this point, but read on. She is shallow, rude and openly detests our family values; a bratty child enclosed in the captivating body of a woman. Maybe it was for the best that she avoided our family on most occasions and we only saw one another twice a year. Outside of her beauty, I saw no value in her as a person and knew she would destroy my uncle. Several of my uncles, my father included, warned Leo about her:

“Make sure you know what you’re doing.”

Strong winds were forecasted. They dispersed for a moment, but they did not disappear.

Seven years have passed. They get engaged. Leo gets down on one knee and Katy receives an $8,000 engagement ring. Everybody complains, except for Leo’s parents: “As long as he’s happy, we’re here to support him.” Leo graduates and becomes a qualified doctor. $70,000 is spent preparing their wedding, split evenly among both sets of parents. Meanwhile, both Leo and Katy have been living separately for the past eight years they have been dating. They decide to buy an apartment unit and live together. This lasts for three weeks, before they sell the unit and move back into their parents’ homes.

Dense clouds loom over the world. The sun is barricaded; forbidden from shedding its light to those below it.

The wedding arrives. Katy makes sure to exhibit the coldest demeanour possible, rolling her eyes at every photograph with Leo’s family or friends. I have already bid the uncle I once knew farewell. Regardless, I enjoy the night. They honeymoon. Katy loses her wedding ring while she swims and they move in with Katy’s parents until they can find a house. Three months later, they move out and go live with Leo’s parents. Strange, isn’t it? It’s almost like they can’t stand living with one another. And yet they’re married. Several months later, they engage in a domestic dispute. Apparently, these were not uncommon and the reason they fled their first apartment home. Yelling ensues and becomes louder and louder. The neighbours can surely hear by now. Hurtful words are hurled at one another. Leo’s parents try to intervene, but they are met with a brutal “fuck off” from Katy. The hurricane has begun. The situation escalates, and Leo’s anger whistles as it reaches its boiling point. He slaps Katy with an open palm. Everything around them swirls and collides in a torrential flood of rapid destruction.

“I’m calling the police.”

Twenty minutes later, a police car arrives. Leo is detained for questioning but not cuffed; he is, after all, a medical professional. His brothers rush to comfort his weeping mother and his ashamed father. Leo spends the night at the police station. Katy’s parents maintain perpetual contact throughout this whole ordeal. Our family gathers and suggest that Leo move on and learn from his mistakes. He himself admits that: “Seeing her was the most painful part of my week. Driving away from her house without her were the happiest times of my life.” Katy is torn between pressing charges and pardoning the alleged ‘love-of-her-life’. The trial date is a few months away. Just as they had met through mutual friends, they reconnect through a marriage counsellor. They slowly regain contact and trust of one another. Due to the one-off nature of their quarrel, Leo is not charged. They forgive one another for their flaws and promise to build a new life together. They buy a house by the water together. They move and renovate the place together. Don’t be mistaken; Leo continues to be bullied by his wife. She has infected him with her cynicism and self-doubt. He allegedly hates his job and “isn’t making as much money as he’d like to”, although I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case if he were single. He looks pale, almost sickly, when I see him from time to time. He claims to be happy, but I know the truth. Nothing has changed in the slightest.

CONCLUSION: Living through this experience has opened my eyes wider than anything else in my life. Particularly, these three:

  • DO NOT GET MARRIED. Plain and simple.

  • NEVER PUT PUSSY ON A PEDESTAL. Many women would willingly fuck my uncle Leo given the opportunity. The qualities I attributed to him as a teenager are still relevant, except now he’s a doctor. Why he continues to worship this hollow bitch is beyond me.

  • ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. Every woman will feed off your success, your status and your wealth. If you manage to cut them off, they will slither back into your life and constrict themselves around your throat. Escape once and for all or asphyxiate.

TL; DR: Spoilt uncle marries a stupid hoe and, despite several red flags and a domestic violence incident, castrates himself into a marriage that bears no fruit.