Not sure if this is relevant. Maybe this is a reek of my current mental strength. I am just... finding the long goal difficult to hold on to. I'm not permanently demoralized. I'm not giving up. I just an at that point where that ... inner confidence is beginning to fade? And while I have dealt with this time and time again in my life, this time just seems to be highlighted by my lack of compared to what i consider the competition around me.

Long story short, i was in finance - decided due to the instability of finance + no fulfillment just making the rich - richer. I wanted to actually put myself through something difficult so I applied and left for medical school within 3 weeks (IMG). I'm now half-way through and studying for my first board + 2 more years of school +/- 4 years of residency (I'll be done with this when i'm 35). I'm turning 29 this year, I sold my car to pay for my first semester tuition, I take minimal loans and I quite literally struggle to pay my $10 a month gym membership where I lift with a bunch of high school kids. I think that's my biggest mental block, I let what I see on social media from friends in finance + shorter medical careers (pharm, dentistry ect) just balling out. One got a new Porsche. One backpacked Malaysia. I know I wouldn't trade my life with anyone, but fuck would it be nice to not have to worry about money, or have some sort of trophy after years of dedication. I spend 8-9 hours a day studying (if im studying for 8, that means im sitting for 10-11 hours), and completing research papers - i have no time to make money. I'm just working my ass off day in and out with no break for years now and I have zero return on investment.

I knew that taking this route was going to be an extreme version of delayed gratification. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel in-terms of financial gain. I know there is in terms of life freedom, self-fulfillment, and to me the most important - purpose. I just, dont know if I made the right choices. Or if there is a perspective that will make the process more bearable.

I'm not suffering in classical ways, I don't have an issue with women personality/looks wise - there's a a couple girls from school + an old hometown friend (where I am now studying for my board) + a good female-friends younger sister + 2 ex's - all willing for no strings attached - even though they're all above average looking - I'm not interested - i ghost everyone. I think its more a reflection of my mental state of fulfillment. I do what I can - in shape and healthy, healthy relationships around me, regular spiritual practice, strong bond with my blood and non-blood brothers and my father who is my role model. I know i have no real reason to bitch. Maybe that's why I'm posting anonymously. I can take responsibility for where I am and the decisions that have led here, I made consciously and willingly.

I'm not sure if others have felt this way where they know they have to go through something for x amount of years, with some promise that shit will turn around. Its just getting to me mentally where women, my bond with my brothers, staying in shape is beginning to lose the fulfillment because what is important to me - my purpose and freedom is so far from reach that when i do attain it - will it even matter?

I do not let this mental barrier slump me, even though these things bleed into my dreams and I wake up feeling sick - I get up, lift, and get to work. I'm not interested in medicating my mood. Discipline over emotions. I just don't know if i sold myself the idea of delayed-gratification when in reality - it doesn't mean anything? It's something we've sold to ourselves to get us through the system.

I appreciate anyone who read this far. Feel free to tell me im bitching and just get back to work. It's pretty much the conclusion I get to everyday.