Venting, I hope that's cool.

Alright, so this will be a bit jumbled, forewarning.

To begin with, I'd like to say that I respect what this sub represents and tries to accomplish, and that when I found it I was astonished to find that there are people who go through and perceive things in their relationships and lives in a similar fashion to my own, because quite honestly, I wouldn't wish my own experiences on anyone else.

There are a few noticeable differences I've noticed between the admittedly few posts I've read and my own experiences. Firstly, I'm not actively being an alpha in my own life. That's not to say that I'm not one, or incapable of being one, but that so far in my relationship I've not taken that approach, and I fucking regret it.

Secondly, I'm married. Most of you that I've seen aren't, but the similarities are still there. I know that it's not that big of a difference, but it does have an impact on my situation.

I've been married to my wife who is about twenty years my senior since I was eighteen; I just turned twenty. I love my wife, I truly do, but I've come to realize that I got married for all the wrong reasons. Reasons which I've had a hard time accepting were true in the first place, but nonetheless they've weighed me down for the past three years.

See, my wife's ex-husband's only concern over custody over my step daughter was for tax purposes, and he clearly stated as much. It's all just a fucking game to him, so he saw no issue with calling the cops on us, harassing us (just enough to not get in any trouble) and overall just making our fucking lives miserable in whatever ways he can.

Sadly, this is not the reason my relationship with my wife sucks. It honestly sucks because of me; because I made stupid decisions that defined the framework of our dynamic and altered the way I saw myself, the world, and my wife. As a result, my wife has done the same.

We constantly argue, more than regular couples do. We get in serious fights multiple times a week, and it's always the same. No matter the topic it always degrades into a loop of my being at my wit's end because I can't keep coping with her manipulation, but because I've changed myself to be ideal in this relationship because I can't let go out of fear; I'm never able to explain why. Why I'm frustrated, why I can't just listen to her, and so forth. I've made myself an idiot, because I can't be man enough to get my shit together. I'm always the one to say I'm sorry, she never apologizes, and that is not an exaggeration.

I left home too early, never partook of serious relationships before marriage, and was thoroughly unprepared to make such a decision in my life. That's on me, and most of it is.

I've come to the point in our relationship where NO MATTER WHAT; I am always at fault. Whether she did something or not is regardless, because she has all the leverage in our relationship, in a dynamic that is weighed in her favor. I mean, who wouldn't keep that, if that was what had been set up from the beginning? Always be right? No argument or discussion ever lost?

I don't think any of the things my wife does are deliberate. I may be wrong, or not, that's the issue. I've reached such a stage where I don't even know what to think anymore, literally.

Is it all me? No, my rational mind thinks; "Hey, a relationship is made of two people, 100% of the blame, by nature, cannot fall on one person's head, it's fucking impossible.", but then I get in an argument with my wife, and my words are twisted, and she does things that steal the fight right out of my cold lifeless fucking corpse.

As I'm writing, some things are coming back. Arguments tend to start because she always likes to end the day (every day, without fail, because I tuck her in every night) by 'chatting'. She likes to lay in bed and talk while I stand next to the bed, uncomfortable, but glad to be able to tuck her in. However, this is her unloading period of the day, she's depressed, angry, and so on. She tells me in depth how horrible a person I am, and it bugs me. I try to get in the frame of mind to just hear her out, and accept it as constructive criticism, but she says all of it in a weird way, hard to put into words. It's like, she's not directly saying "You're lazy, and unreliable", which would be nice in comparison, it's more like.. she gives long examples of what I didn't do, what I COULD HAVE done, and asks me why I didn't.

That brings me to another point, she always asks rhetorical questions, or questions which simply can't be answered. Like, "Why do you hate me so much?", well, that backs me into a fucking corner, doesn't it? Because if I hated you I wouldn't be with you, I love you. However, if you say that you just get more questions like "Well, then why didn't you __" and so on.

Quite frankly, I'm lost. Totally lost. I've fought hard to stay with my wife, she doesn't see that, but fighting against yourself to be something you're not for someone who can't be good for you either way is hard work. Stupid work, and unhealthy for both parties, but hard nonetheless.

I have no job, I threw away my ambition, hopes, and dreams when she told me time and time again how worthless I was. Every time she told me about how awesome 'XYZ Male friend' was, and never so much as pointed out a good feature on me, I died a little. Yeah, that's fucking co-dependent behavior, I realize it. I realize I have no worth and no confidence and that's a choice my stupid young self made. I'm living the consequences every day.

I threw away all my friends because she thought everyone in my life was a bad influence. They were all stoners, I agreed.

I stopped smoking pot and drinking because I wanted to be the best me for her, but she's never had to give anything up in return. Nothing besides time, which she always seems to take a'plenty when telling me at length what all is wrong with me and how I need to fix it.

My weaknesses are known to her, and she has all the power, because I gave it to her freely, thinking that, someone who I loved would return and kind, and not abuse that trust. She knows that if she cries I can no longer argue, and when I do stand up when I know I'm in the right, she takes it one step further. Her last ditch resort is always the same, she suggests divorce. She always says things like "I can't do this anymore", and "I don't deserve this!". She's not wrong, she doesn't, nobody deserves what we put each other through.

I take all responsibility. I feel broken. I don't feel right every day, like a cog got replaced with an acorn, and things just aren't spinning quite right. My mind is muddled, I don't think clearly these days, either. So there's that.

It's like she pays me to be around, clean the house, and take whatever frustration she feels the need to pour on someone. If her best friend (who is a heroin addict) does something stupid, I get the fury. Maybe her dad, who she lives off of, as do I by extension (which makes me sick to the stomach) mismanages the money and this month is going to suck, I get the wrath.

I probably deserve all this. I allowed it all to happen, so it's on me.

Oh, she made me push my family away, too. "All of your family members are crazy people, they're bad influences on you. Every time you talk to your family you get argumentative and return to your old pattern." I have no friends, no family, and no support outside of my wife. If I leave, I will be homeless, jobless, and probably dead. Unless breaking ties makes me like I used to be, full of fight and a willingness to do whatever it took to be the best me..

Pattern. I hear that word daily. She mentions my pattern and it kicks me back in line, because she has me convinced that I ALWAYS say the same thing in every conversation we ever have, especially arguments. She knows my pattern she says, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I still hear about my pattern every day.

Her ex would have gotten my step daughter if I hadn't married her, that's what she told me after she got out of the lawyer's office one day when we went to pick up my daughter. Who calls me dad, by the way. I never considered the possibility that she lied about that until now.

I used to think I was lucky and that I had a roof, food, and so forth. Now I just think that there's very little life left in me. It'll probably be over soon.

People told me I had a bright future ahead of me. I was really happy with who I was, and who I was becoming. I had a future. Now I don't feel like I do.

Oh, on the upside I met a door-to-door salesman yesterday, he was a great guy. We talked and cut up, it made me forget for two hours how shitty everything was and how bad I was inside. We exchanged numbers, he's the only friend I've had in almost three years, talked about hanging out tomorrow, so maybe that'll happen. I went back in the house and my wife was just standing in the kitchen with her arms at her side, staring lifelessly into the distance. When she gets in these moods I do anything to appease her. I don't like seeing my wife sad. It breaks my heart. Every day.

Anyways, that's all for now, I feel like crying but I haven't been able to for the past year or so, and it starts to get really uncomfortable after a while. If you read all that I'm sorry it was so jumbled, it just feels good to write some of it down.

If this post isn't the type that should be in this sub, feel free to delete it, I don't expect anyone to read it, anyways. So long.

EDIT: I don't know if the flair I chose is appropriate.