I've been following RP for some time now and have been commenting on other user's posts. This is the first post of my own and will offer background into different phases of my life and culminating in where I'm at today and seeking to see how this aligns with other RP user's experiences.

So here I am, up late at night, after trying desperately to get on some sort of early riser, early bed sleep schedule. I just can't seem to do it - my mind seems only capable of serious reflection when all but the owls have nodded off. An idea that keeps haunting me in regards to my current lack of drive is the thought that along with the liberating aspects of RP comes a loss of innocence.

An Illustration Turns out I was born RP, or at the very least possessed or evolved a naturally charismatic demeanor as a way of adapting to frequent changes of location as a child. Sink or swim. Make friends, then forget them. Always ready to mingle, but never too attached to prevent moving on. My first experience with a girl was with an 8th grader who, upon moving to a new town, found my number in the school directory and insisted we hang out. As a 7th grader, most were jealous. They asked my "secrets" about how the girls flocked to me like moths to a flame. I truthfully didn't know - I was too preoccupied with setting things on fire or exploring the woods.

However, one of my most vivid and earliest memories with this girl was immense social pressure. Parents constantly nosing around, siblings teasing. It all blew up when - after those lame group dates every preteen does where someone's mom drops a vanload off at the movies - the time came for a kiss. I remember being thrust into the middle with my girl, and all our friends gathered in a circle chanting "kiss! Kiss!"

Was she hot? Yes. Did she do nice things for me? Yes. Did I genuinely like her or want to kiss her? Not really - and definitely not on anyone's terms but my own. So I escaped the circle and its jeering faces. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased, and I came to associate anything girl-related with ridiculous social pressure. As someone who keeps to himself and spent a childhood moving around - giving me a "reset" button, I felt my freedom vanishing as my family settled into this small town.

Mother Highschool came not long after. My mother comes from a very large, very traditional Italian family. As such, this meant as a teen we were in church multiple times a week and I was thoroughly instructed on the ways to behave around a lady. All I remember at the time was being bored out my mind in school, doing the absolute minimum to get As, and literally praying on my knees next to my bed that a cute girl from school would open her mouth for any reason and talk to me.

Needless to say, my prayers went unanswered. I blamed it on being in the wrong homeroom, but between being an experienced martial artist, talented musician, and creative artist, I could've come up with something. Hindsight has it that plenty of girls were into me, however, they were confused as to why I never made a move.

College I couldn't wait to move to a new city and hit the reset button like I had done so many times before as a child. I knew exactly what I needed to do and made a pact to make friends and be socially active. I made a few lifelong friends, but my freshman year found me in the claws of an absolute succubus.

Meeting her was like a dream come true. To this day she is one of the most physically attractive girls I have ever seen. And because I was fresh in town, cockiness from my new start enabled me to treat her like complete shit. She became attached to me and I was ecstatic.

Except for one problem - she had a boyfriend. And I was all too happy to listen to her problems and try to convince her that these would never happen with me. We all know how that goes.

The Loss of Innocence At this point, still a virgin, my loss of innocence came after researching PUA and realizing how much everything resonated with my experience with girls. Stuck in the friendzone, I pulled the ripcord - no contact and began lifting hard. 3 months later, after a party, I ended up at her place and she was now single.

We made out and a bit more - but what I had built up in my head as the moment of my greatness, finally conquering the girl of my dreams, came crashing down the moment our lips touched. Now at this point, I was no Sex God, but the kiss was absolutely terrible. She had stiff lips, banal insecurities, terrible breath. All her magic that had me besotted for an entire year had vanished the moment she peeled off her tanktop and kicked off her beer-stained Uggs.

She wasn't special.

Plates I'd consider my lovelife a clean slate love life. What I mean is, because I had next to no experience, when things "clicked" and I started getting results from lifting and approaching, I had the advantage of already knowing the general flow of an approach from reading RP, PUA blogs, etc. I had no memories of brutal, face-slapping rejections. Just years of religious confusion and inaction which I readily discarded.

At one point I found a family-minded girl who also happened to act & model, and LTR'd her for 2 years. She wanted to move in, while I sensed a potential branch swing, so I dumped her. That was last summer. Since then, I've had a few epic successes (Latin American beauty queen off day game, model from gym) and a few girls I'd rather forget. Currently spinning a 6 plate with a great personality, but I can't help but feel an utter disconnect from some girls sexually.

Like it isn't worth my time, because it never amounted to the hype my friends had built it up to over the years. Banging a hot chic was like "really? this was what the fuss was about?" And we're talking girls where the sky's the limit. Or how far she can bend over.

Young man, It's only a spasm. Or however that Steely Dan song goes.

After going nuts on Tinder and sleeping with a girl earlier this week, the thought keeps entering my head...Why did I bring her back to my place? I hope we don't have sex...why am I doing this, I'd rather just sleep

Notching for the sake of notching. It's total regret sex that could be attention-whored and turned into a false accusation. Why? Because "she expected me to do it"

When I look around and see no hope for family, promiscuity which I am repulsed by but actively engage in, and the student debt situation I've gotten myself in for a worthless art degree, I can't help feeling an utter lack of motivation.

The only good habit I have for myself is diet and the gym. My game boils down to offensive humor and looks. I keep taking the path of least resistance - if I've banged hot girls without much work, why lift a finger? There's nothing after I bang them. The tension beforehand is the best part. And with things like OkC and Tinder, I don't even have to leave my room. It's like GrubHub for pussy. And I'm turning into a lazy jackass loner.

Has anyone gone through a similar phase and found some way to motivate yourself? I need serious improvement in the quality of the girls I pursue, finances, and my own quality of character. Chasing tail made me go from overly moral to acting only in my own interest, and as hard as it may be, ideally, I'd like some sort of code of values. This loss of innocence, being aware of the nature of women and the world, has sapped much of my competitive spirit and slapped away the carrot on the stick.

TL;DR: have girls interested in me, go thru phase of inaction, severe near-suicidal oneitis that leads to finding RP and escaping friendzone. Sleep with babes with not much effort and wonder whats the point of it all?