When you were a child, there was a tape recorder switched to record in your head. It shaped your world and gave you a reference point for reality. This reality was shaped by the God’s of your world - your parents and what they did for you. If we’re being super specific, your mother was the one who catered to your child needs and it was recorded and filed under “how to be a parent”. This tape recorder switches into playback mode and the recorded data (your training) will play back in your head in how you act toward other people. There are many files recorded in your head from “how to treat people,” “how to be nice” and “rules of the world.”

These recordings tend to cross reference each other, the recordings I’m talking about here are: “how to care for women” and “how my mother treated me”. The original recording of how to treat women came from your mother and your boy self did the only thing that children do to fit in; you tried to copy the only example you were given in how to interact with women from your mother by treating her (and other women) how she treated you.

The absence of your father was because either you were raised by a single mother, or he was working and therefore unavailable to you emotionally. When he was available, he was exhausted and had limited interaction with you. A 40 hour work week (or more) can do that to a man and bacons the paradox:

“to be a man you must work, you are defined by it”

and the unsaid:

“you are expected to man the fuck up and not talk about shit that affects you. If you fail, we,(women) will leave you for a man that can look after us.”

So, your father, had an impossible combination of not knowing how to interact with you and being exhausted from working all the time. He could not have a big impact in your life. Within that void left by the absence of masculinity, resentment builds. Depression manifests. Anger emerges.

In other words, your feminised upbringing programmed you into being a boy for life.

Like it or not, you have emotional needs.

There is hope.

Lesson 6 from The Book of Pook: You are a great catch. (P20 in the PDF) Pook talks about a man who put a girl on a pedestal and another that had self respect.

“The difference is simple,” said the Pook. “The first young man is facing TOWARDS infancy. The second young man is facing AWAY from infancy. The first one wishes to climb back into the womb; the second one wants to fly from it. The first wishes a cushioned place in the world while the second one leaves the cushions behind.

When Pook refers to you as a great catch, he isn’t giving some motivational speech about how “you can do it” and “you’re an awesome person!” He’s talking about you being “a great catch” from the woman’s perspective. A great catch has his self esteem in order and doesn’t have to supplicate with flowers, chocolates and gifts because he himself knows he is worthy of her adoration. She sees him as worthy. When you give gifts, you give them the same way as you give a complement; like a tennis ball to be thrown and never returned. You gave it because of strength and decency, not the need of self affirmation. You were just stating a fact when you called her dress beautiful or gave her flowers because she captivates you.

This is what self respect and healthy self esteem looks like – the absence of neediness.

Accept you are not a child anymore.

We have been emotionally neglected by our fathers. It was unintentional but the cycle will continue unless you break it and that’s the point of this post.

A lesson I’ve learned the hard way is you cannot do this on your own.

It’s okay to be weak sometimes. It has to be. You don’t have to run to your woman like a man would to his mother but you can be real with her and speak to her from your reality. Simply speaking the truth and taking responsibility for your feelings and perhaps retreating into your thoughts.

“I can’t talk to you right now, I’m angry. I’m tired. I cannot be your rock. If we talk, I will become irritable and might snap at you, so I need to retreat. We will talk about what’s on your mind after we have eaten dinner, then you will have my full attention.”

It’s okay to be away sometimes. It’s normal to be absent sometimes.

You need a support network. I don’t care how much you bench. A place where you can talk and be weak and for it to be okay. Talking about this weakness is not in the job description of a friend or a lover. It’s not a wife’s job to hold you up. You need a figure who resembles strength. Most people have escapism and the support of a fantasy. A favourite musician or celebrity that we look at and wish we could be like. Since communities and tribes have collapsed, that comes in the form of a counsellor or therapist whose job is to do nothing but listen and reflect back to you what you've said without judgment. Hey, if you have a friend that you support sometimes that you can talk to, that’s great.

Eventually you will get to a point where you have emotional dexterity and need less and less support. Just don't neglect that need.

As Esther Perel says on sustaining desire within marriage(a relationship):

“(Relationships) Marriage used to be an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children, social status, succession and companionship but now we want our partner to still give us all these thing but in addition I want you to be my best friend, my trusted confident and my passionate lover to boot and we live twice as long.

So we come to ONE person and basically ask them what an ENTIRE village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge, give me novelty, give me familiarity, give me predictability, give me surprise and we think it’s a given that toys and lingerie are going to save us from that.”

Even Robert Green’s laws of power state that:

Law of Power 18: Do not build fortresses to protect yourself – Isolation is dangerous.

Be kind to yourself and recognise you are a human being. You don’t have to be strong 100% of the time. Just learn to recognise when you need to retreat and keep your mind healthy. Since a man’s emotional needs are ugly to society because they’re unattractive, you need ways to express them instead of repressing them through alcohol, porn, video games, meaningless sex or escaping into work. Be aware of the dangers of consumption that anesthetise you.

Further reading:

“I’m Ok, You’re Ok” by Thomas A. Harris MD. It’s an academic book about how we relate to people and have relationships that are either: child, adult or parent in where our references in reality come from.

“The Alabaster Girl” by Zan Perrion is about the nature of men and women from a “Casanova” point of view. It’s about desire.

“The Book of Pook” has the basics of self improvement with well articulated lessons on why you should have self respect.