Fisking "Letter To The Scared Guy Dating A Single Mom"

Dear Guy,

Already with disrespect. He's not a "guy". He's a MAN. I am a MAN. I am not a "guy", a "dude" or a "boy". I'm a MAN.

I am in my early twenties. I am single and I have one child (under age 5). So yeah, I’m a “single mom.” But I freaking hate that term. I hate the stereotype that comes along with it.

You, and women like you - created the stereotype. Poor, prole, low class, ghetto, white trash. Not forward thinking. Don't think about or care about anything beyond the next party and stoner session.

I don’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t want people to feel bad for me or my child. It’s just been me and him for the last two years.

Yes, you do want pity and for others to feel bad and for sympathy. That's why you wrote this. It's been just you and your kid because you either pushed your babydaddy/exH out of your life, or made his life such unbearable hell he had to leave, or you just up and left him. Or you chose a shitbag and let him blast inside you, KNOWING ahead of time long before you let him blast that he was a shitbag.

You knew all this going in to our “relationship”, if you want to call it that. None of that has ever been a secret. I have done my best to be open and honest with you from the get-go.

No, I didn't know your ex was a shitbag or how you "broke up" (if you ever were really together). No, I didn't know your lack of future time orientation or your substance abuse or your idiotic life. You don't have a relationship with me. I'm a guy you've dated (fucked) for a while and I'm around because you're hot and easy.

You know that I’ve dated here and there, but nothing too serious. The last real boyfriend I had was my child’s dad.

Translation: I've fucked some other guys since my babydaddy. But I've learned my lesson, dude - condoms and IUD for me! I'm not doing this babymama thing again, no way!

But you are one that I want to be serious with. I am ready for you. I am ready to love again. And to be loved in return. I want someone to share my life with. I don’t NEED you, but I WANT you.

Right. $ure you want "$eriou$". I bet you do. You're ready for a guy to $tep in and $tart paying the bill$. You're not ready for love. You don't know what in the fuck "love" is. You don't want someone to share your life with. You want someone to share the responsibility. Your "life" is worry, unrelenting pressure, constantly fending off creditors, and 24/7/365 care of a child with very little help from others (mostly because you're a shitty relationship prospect). You don't want me. You NEED me. You need my checkbook. You need me to be a baby sitter.

I am fine just by myself.

No you're not. You wouldn't be chasing me, Mr. Average Man with Apartment, Car and Steady Job, and pressuring me into commitment if you were.

In my opinion, it is better to be wanted than needed.

Right. That's why I'm hightailing it out of here when this comment is done. Because you don't really want me. You desperately need my money and the stability I represent. And when you have that money and stability, you'll quit having sex with me, you'll start abusing me, you'll turn into a ragecunt bitch, and then you and your little carjacker in training will make my life a living hell.

I am a good person. I have a good job. I live on my own – just me and my child. We do not struggle in any way.

Those things do not make you a good person. They mean you can do basic adulting (that is, if you do them, which I seriously doubt). If you were a "good person", you wouldn't have let a shitbag blast inside you unprotected. If you were a "good person", you could have attracted better men than shitbags and irresponsible men. If you were a "good person", you wouldn't have burdened yourself, the babydaddy, or society with the product of your irresponsibility.

I pay for everything on my own. That makes me proud of myself. I work hard to get the things we want and need so that we can live comfortably and I can give my kid the best life possible.

I doubt it. If you had what you wanted, you wouldn't be pressuring Mr. Man with Car/Job/Place into committing. You are pressuring me because you desperately need my money and stability.

All that being said, I feel like maybe you are intimidated by me. Am I crazy? That’s about the only thing I can think of to explain this situation.

No, I'm not intimidated, and yes you are crazy. The fact that you can't think of any other explanation demonstrates your complete lack of understanding and knowledge about men. Did you also not know how babies get made?

I'm not afraid. I'm wary. I'm skeptical. I'm concerned. I don't want to raise another man's children. I want MY kids - kids of my own. Or, I don't want kids at all. I'm concerned about YOU - you already made one serious life mistake. You already showed how irresponsible, short sighted, and stupid you are. I'm not exposing myself or my assets to your irresponsibility, short sightedness and stupidity. I'm not giving you control over my money so you can hoard it, take it, steal it, or waste it.

I'm concerned about YOU - you already kicked your babydaddy-exH out of your life; or you made his life so unbearable that he left you. I'm pretty sure you'll do the same to me.

I'm concerned about your little training wheeled thug. He's under 5 now. Wait till he grows into a ball of hormonal, homicidal rage at 15. Rage at you for kicking his dad out of his life. Rage at me for marrying you and imposing discipline and rules on him. Rage at his bio-dad for not being around and not being part of his life. I can already hear the "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!" screams. I can already see you telling me not to discipline him.

I can already see you threatening to divorce me. I can already see you taking me to court to demand that I pay child support for that budding future juvy-hall "resident" and rap-sheet builder.

I'm concerned about your exH/babydaddy. He's just as shitty, irresponsible and stupid as you are. I don't want his drama. I don't want to deal with Thuggy Senior showing up on my door step every other weekend for his visitation rights to his budding junior criminal. I don't want to deal with you fighting with him on the phone over visitation, child support, little Thuggy's truancies, and whatever else. I don't want to deal with you going to court and having to pay lawyers to make your babydaddy obey court orders. I don't want to deal with truant officers, school administrators, detention supervisors and caseworkers over a kid that's not even mine.

I guess I can kinda understand that it is intimidating. I have a nice car, a house payment, a good job, a child, etc. You know all these things, so maybe you think that I don’t need you because I can take care of myself. Maybe you worry that you can’t contribute; that you don’t have anything to offer me. Well, yes, I sure can take care of myself and my child, but hey – I never said you couldn’t help me out. Is a needy, dependent girl that attractive?

I'm not in the least worried that you can't take care of yourself. If I weren't around, Uncle Sugar/government will make up whatever you can't earn. Big Daddy Beta Provider Government will always be around to provide for you. I know what I offer you - money, stability and "respectability". I'm much, much more concerned about what I'm going to get out of this deal. And from where I stand, you and your son Thuggy are all burden, obligation, heartache and bankruptcy.

I have bills and money is usually tight, but I make it work. No, it’s not all about money though. I am not after you for your money. I can do it by myself, if I haven’t already made that point clear.

Whenever a woman says it's not about money, rest assured - it's about the money. When a woman says she's not after you for your money, you can be certain she's after you for your money. And note the Freudian slip - "It's not all about money though". Again: "It's not ALL about money though." Meaning: It IS, MOSTLY, about money. MY money. You want, need, demand, my financial support.

I am needy, per se, but in a different way than financially. Deep down, all these things are wants, but they are true wants and they are things that I swear I won’t take for granted. These are the things that I can’t do myself and that I need you to help me with.

Sure you won't take them for granted. Suuuuure. Needy - clingy, mentally ill, daddy issues, undiagnosed personality disorder.

These need/wants include (but are not limited to):

You to hug and kiss me when I walk through the door and ask me how my day was and in turn, I would like to be able to do the same for you.

That'll last about 2-3 months.

A father for my child. (Yes, my child does have a father, but he only sees our child a few days out of the month, so I feel like that doesn’t really provide the structure and stability that my child needs. You are not stepping on my child’s father’s toes by being in my child’s life. I’m sure he has prepared himself for another man to be in my child’s life, just as I have prepared myself for another woman to be in my child’s life.) I would like you to help me raise my child.

Uh huh. Took you several paragraphs, but you finally got to it. There it is right there. Nope. I am not raising Thuggy Sr.'s thugspawn. I am not taking care of a child that's not mine. And I sure as to fuck am not going to pay for it. Which, let's face it, is what you REALLY mean when you say you want my help raising your child. You don't want me to have a relationship with Little Shoplifter. You don't want me to discipline him and make a man out of him. You want me to write checks and pay bills.

I can do it on my own.

No you can't. If you could, you wouldn't be dating Mr. Car/Job/Place.

I have this far,

No you haven't.

but there are things that a child needs a father figure to teach them. It’s not the same when I do it. Disciplining my child is something that I do need help with. My child doesn’t always listen to me and it’s frustrating because I know they get away with it other places. But I need my child to respect me and listen to me. If I had you to reinforce what I was saying, I feel that we’d all benefit.

Right. He does need those things. But you will actively interfere with me doing what has to be done to keep Little Thuggy from turning into Mr. 10-20 at State Pen Thuggy. I'm not here to "reinforce what you're saying". I'm here to run this shit and keep you from running it into the ground. Your junior criminal won't listen to you because you've clearly demonstrated you can't keep a handle on it all. If you needed a father for your kid, you should have selected better the first time, kept the father around, not made his life a living hell, and done whatever it takes to keep him in your life. You want me to fix your fuckup and Thuggy Sr.'s fuckup. Nope. Not gonna do it.

A family. In this instance, I am defining family as two parents and the child(ren). I want a man that will treat me right and show my child how a wife is supposed to be treated. I want to teach my child what a healthy relationship is because I want the same for my child. That and because I partially don’t know what a healthy loving relationship is like. My parents are divorced and they’ve remarried, but their relationships aren’t all that great. I want my child to grow up in a home where both parents love and respect each other. I want my child to want to have a love like ours.

Now we've gotten to it. By "treat you right" you mean "write the checks and pay the bills". By "family" you mean "man to give you respectability and pay the bills until you're finished with him and no longer need him".

If you don't know what a healthy loving relationship looks like, you're not going to cut your teeth on me. You're not going to use me to work that out. You don't need a husband, you need intense therapy. You say you want a child to have "a love like ours", but you just got done saying you "don't know what a healthy loving relationship looks like". GET THERAPY.

A best friend. Yes, I’ve got my girls, but it’s not the same. I want someone that knows me better than I know myself.

I do know you better than you know yourself. And you don't like it, because I'm dropping truth bombs and I know that'll be the end of this.

Someone that knows something is up just by looking at me. Someone to share all of my secrets with. Someone to cuddle with on the couch – and in bed, of course. Someone who knows all of my quirks and flaws, but still loves me just the same. Someone that I can make memories with. Someone that I can be myself around. Someone to support me emotionally and mentally. Someone to comfort me when a bad day slips in. Someone to grow old with.

Nah, you don't want that. Not with me. You had that with Thuggy Sr. Your life is about harsh realities now - paying the bills and just getting through.

SEX! Yes, of course, I want it to mean something, but at this point, by golly I’d settle for a piece of ass. A girl needs a good romp in the hay every once in a while. But you’ll have to forgive me because I’m back to the Rookie stage at this point. I’d like you to help me out of that stage.

Shit. You don't want me for that. You had Thuggy for that. You already gave him your best. I know all I'll be getting is table scraps and leftovers, grudgingly offered up because you feel like you have to. In 3 months you'll stop giving head. In a year we'll be down to maybe once every other month sex as you view me as just another major appliance around MY house that I PAY FOR.

I know you are nearby, if you’d just give us a chance. I know it’s scary for you, but guess what? It’s just as scary for me! From your point of view, I get that it’s not just one person, one heart; it’s two (or three or four or five, depending on how many kids the woman has). You’d be taking on my stubborn self and my cute little innocent child who doesn’t even know that they need you yet. I know that it is a lot to take on.

Stubborn self? No thanks. Cute little innocent child? Nope, as we've established, he's your little carjacker in training. It's not scary. It's just a bad deal.

I know that you will play a huge role in my child’s life. And I know that is scary. But I can promise you it will all be worth it. I promise to make you feel valued and loved.

Whenever a woman says "it will all be worth it", trust me, it will NOT be worth it.

My child does come first

Dealbreaker. No. I come first. First, last and always. Marriage before children. Always. If I don't come first, I don't want to be in your life. Period.

but I swear to you that I will try my damnedest to be what you deserve and what you need me to be.

If your kid comes first, you cannot be what I deserve, you cannot be what I need and you cannot give me what I need. You just laid out in this letter a list of demands and things you want from me (without coming clean and saying it's about money). What am I going to get out of this deal? Not ONCE, not ONE TIME, did you lay out ANYTHING that I am going to get FROM YOU.

I am not here to break your heart. I am not here to play games. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Whenever a woman says she's not about heartbreak or games, rest assured - she's about heartbreak and playing games.

I have chosen you at this point in my life, but I can only wait so long. Every day that you wait, is another day closer to someone else coming along.

Implied threat and relationship pressure: "Where are we going with this? If you're not gonna marry me or commit, maybe I should go fuck other guys we should see other people."

In the end, you only regret the chances you didn’t take, the relationships you were too afraid to have, and the decisions you waited too long to make. Don’t let this be you. Don’t let me be “the one that got away.”

If you become anything other than a fuckbuddy, I will regret it the rest of my life. I'm not afraid to have a relationship with a woman who admits fully that she doesn't know how to have a healthy loving relationship and doesn't know what a healthy loving relationship looks like -- I just don't want that for my life.

I don't do fixeruppers. I don't do remedial relationship 101. I am not here to fix you or take care of you. I am not responsible to fix your fuckups. So you either keep being my fuckbuddy; or you go ahead and find a sucker to finance your life and retirement. And i'll wish you well, and take bets on how long it will take before you frivorce him/kick him out of your life, just like you did with your babydaddy.