I'm (now) 25, she's 24.

Get to know her in early 2014 in her exchange semester, girl of my dreams, smart, beautiful, classy. I'm an awkward beta virgin but try to apply all of gaming I've heard about. She shows extreme interest but has a hard border for any kind of escalation. Do a shit ton as "just friends" until the end of her exchange semester in my country nears and we finally start kissing and realise we want to be a couple, no matter what. But again, hard border for anything explicitly sexual.

I follow her to her country for a while, because I can. After a long confusing time I understand her background is no-sex-before-marriage level conservative. This, the fact that I actually want a long-term and sexual relationship with her and my own mother suddenly wanting to have me married inspires me to drop the engagement on her. As I know now, she also really wanted sex, but her mom slut-shamed her. Alas, she said yes, everyone was a bit surprised how fast I'm moving but everyone's happy.

We get married in Feb 2015. Everything just dandy so far. Enter a world of shit on wedding night. Beta, virgin me, gets nervous and is tired, can't get it up for the implied-forced first sex. She immediately thinks I'm impotent and she only found out now. With such a start, of course it didn't get better. I fall into the most beta hole you can imagine, start buying her shit that I have a medical condition. Doctors rule that out repeatedly, maybe I just have very slight low T. Develop a paranoia of sex and condoms.

We move back to my country and after long suffering I finally manage to at least go to a psychologist and make her take birth control. Sex slowly starts to improve, but is flaky and if "successful" short to this day. A couple times mind-blowing, but I know it could be even better. Beginning of this year, she is fed up with that and all my old and new beta habits. Musters up the courage to want to quit me, I convince her to give me one month to change.

Then I found out about MRP, read NMMNG and WISNIFG, eye-opening, but mostly makes me hate my parents. Start lifting for the first time in my life at an amazing gym and try to gain weight (I'm extremely skinny). But: I become happy and complacent after tiny successes, when I could do much more.

A couple months later, I am ever so slightly bulkier, heavier and less of a despicable idiot than before. But I didn't swallow the pill, I half-heartedly licked it at best. She can tell and in addition to all the previous hostility up to abuse, she's now trying to make me jealous about guys at her new university, still to motivate me to change.

I don't get the hints, so now she wants to break up again. I have a sudden realisation that actually, I can't really blame her at all for her behaviour and that my goal is not to stand up to how she treats me (as my psychologist tells me), but to take responsibility for her hating and disrespecting me in the first place (which she never did before marriage). My ego needs to die for that.

I suggest to radically change the approach and explicitly give me responsibility (in the captain-sense) for all aspects of our life, get a lot of hard no's from her. I at least manage to negotiate to not indefinitely separate and leave (technically her) flat immediately and go to my parents, but to stay a mere three more days (even a week was too much). I tell her and myself that I will start implementing my suggested change whatever will happen, but more in a handwavy-beta kinda way.

Here I am. My plan is to STFU, lift everyday instead of just 2-3 times a week, to start unfucking some parts of my life that I have neglected for too long and to make a medium-term life plan with options both with and without her. I really fucking don't want to loose her, but I realise that change needs to happen regardless of if she will stay with me.

Any advice, comments, wake up calls are highly appreciated.