TLDR: Immediately after sex wife asked about my recent changes. I fuck up by going full on DEER. Hilarity ensues.

I'm 39 and married for 14 years to my 34 y.o. SAHW, four kids. We met when we were both in college, both from very conservative, religious backgrounds. We married young and both of us waited until marriage to have sex. I found MRP about 2 months ago and have been working out daily, reading (sidebar, MMSLP, SGM, and currently working on WISNIFG). Incidentally, about a year ago I started working out and dressing better, so I had a head start on those two. I'm recognizing shit tests, and swat away the easy ones with AM and A&A, but I've been failing the bigger ones. I have plenty of shit I still need to fix in my life, and need to be a better leader in the home, more fun, less yelling at the kids, etc. but I'm making progress.

Sex has always been an issue. From day one of marriage she has been unable to "let go" and fully immerse herself, and has almost always held something back. Initially, she wouldn't let me touch her nipples. Then it changed to refusing doggy style (previously enjoyed it, at least she said she had), then it changed to refusing to let me give her oral sex (again, previously had enjoyed it). Now she will occasionally let me go down on her, but only under the right circumstances, and only a few times a year. Sex is generally 2-4 times per month, mostly consisting of duty sex just above starfish. Sex has often been tied to various conditions which she calls "romance" but for the most part are household chores.

Last night we had decent sex. Immediately afterward, she said she wanted to ask me a question, and didn't want me to get mad. She then asked me why I've been making so many changes. She thinks I've become "obsessed" with working out (I wake up at 4:20 a.m. for this), losing weight (2 weeks into Keto diet), and my appearance in general. I've lost about 30 lbs in the past year and have another 10-15 to go. She made comments like "I still thought you were handsome when you were heavier" and "I'm starting to wonder if you're trying to look better for someone else." In the past she has also told me to stop working out because she doesn't want me to look better than her, although she didn't bring that up last night.

I still don't know if this was a comfort test or a shit test, but I failed it either way. As a lawyer, I have a major DEER problem. I always feel the need to defend or explain myself, and I should have just made a joke about looking good for my old secretary and then STFU. Instead, I went on and on about how I want to be healthier, I feel better about myself when I look better, and how she should be happy she has a husband who wants to look good.

When I was done, I doubled down on my mistake and asked her if there was anything else she wanted to get off her chest. Of course, she took me up on the offer and told me I should apologize for a comment I had made the last time we had (shitty) sex and I told her I didn't think she was attracted to me (another fail). I responded by telling her I wasn't going to apologize for that, as that's how I often feel. She rarely gets aroused during sex, rarely gets wet, and I interpret it as a lack of attraction to me. I should have just STFU.

Her response was that I have unrealistic expectations tainted from watching porn, and that she is perfectly normal because most women are like her (reverse AWALT?). I continued on with my nonsense and told her that just because millions of women are having shitty sex doesn't make it normal or acceptable. Again, should have just STFU.

She then went on a rant about how if I would be more romantic she might be more in the mood. When asked what she means by romance, she mentioned: (1) giving her foot rubs; (2) love notes; and (3) helping more around the house. She also complained about my playful teasing, tickling, spanking her ass, etc. and said she hates those things. Instead, she wants gentle hugs, caress her hair, etc. In other words, it seems she is telling me she wants me to be a beta bitch.

My attempts at game have been completely unsuccessful, which tells me I'm not yet attractive enough, she still sees her SMV as being higher than mine, and/or she doesn't respect me due to past mistakes, beta behavior, drunk captain, etc. and views me as an irresponsible pussy faggot. In fairness, I have been a pussy faggot and have a shit ton of self-improvement to do. I want genuine change and she'll either hop onboard as my first mate, or she won't.

EDIT: She left the bed and slept on the couch. I didn't chase her and did my best this morning to act like nothing was wrong.