/u/jacktenofhearts excellent "Three Dysfunctional Captains and First Officers of Married TRP" is fairly on the money in terms of my backstory. I identify with The Captain and Her Husband dysfunction in that I've let my wife run the show for far too long.

Coming from a fairly beta background, I pursued a 'co-captaincy' arrangement for the first decade or so of our relationship, before unwittingly demoting myself to manservant post-children. When I was co-captain I wasn't particularly happy and allowing myself to be demoted was a classic Nice Guy attempt to fix things. Hah.

My current objective: Reinstate myself as co-captain before earning my way into the Captain's Chair.

I think "earning" captaincy is an important distinction. The Captain's Chair isn't an automatic entitlement and I need to demonstrate not only that I'm capable but that I'm in fact the best person for the job.

What I've been doing: I've been working to assert myself more at home. I choose family activities without first seeking feedback and when the current Captain organises activities, I consider those options first instead of simply agreeing. Although I usually agree with her suggestions, the key difference here is that the decision happens inside MY frame. I am a man with options.

I've begun calling out the wife about the way she speaks to me. Depending on my mood and the request, I will ignore, delay or verbally call her out. If she tells to do something, I can now even push back without words. She knows my amused glance that means "those manners were bad; try again later". This is the same glance we both use on the children, which further serves to reenforce my authority.

Most importantly, I am now captain of myself. I've been catching up with friends, doing stuff by myself, and saying what I'm doing, not asking. I still need to do more with this newfound freedom like finding/rediscovering hobbies, going to the gym.

Results: Shit tests are increasing. I read a post that pointed out that a lack of shit tests is a very bad thing, because it means your wife simply has no respect for you. I wish I could attribute the author because that comment hit me hard. In my earliest days of Red Pill discovery I believed that my non-testing wife was, perhaps, one of the better ones. With that one comment I realised she truly didn't give a fuck. Seeing shit tests shows me that the opportunity to turn things around exists.

The tests are good practice for holding frame. My best A&A responses come five minutes after their use-by, so I'm STFUing a lot.

This morning, I reflexively agreed to a demand to wash some towels. Realising what I'd just done, I added "though judging by the way you just spoke to me I probably should have said no". This challenge got her back up, resulting in a tirade about how she does all the washing and she doesn't like it. (This is true, but our housework split is equitable.) I calmly responded that this wasn't about the washing, it was about the way she chooses to speak to me. She said nothing else to me all morning, then left for work on the verge of tears.

The shit tests of a bratty teenager ensued upon her return from work. I work from home and looked after our sick child today. I copped a verbal spray for using up all the hot water - cleaning up child vomit - because I "probably wasted it all washing my hands like a surgeon". Though I did the washing load I promised this morning (as it needed to be done), the washing is clearly still a sore point. As I write this my dry clothes have been dumped in a pile beside me, rather than folded and put away as per usual.

I've happily ignored the tantrums and gone about my evening feeding the family and having fun with the kids as if nothing is out of order. The result - the drama seems to have run out of puff.

I suspect I am heading towards a mini-Main Event which, while not being THE Main Event, will provide the necessary break to re-establish myself as an authority figure of the house. From there, my Captaincy goal will be to establish primacy.

TL;DR: Re-establishing authority is a necessary step towards earning the Captain's Chair. Increased shit tests much better than no shit tests.

Update: My not fighting back has obviously gotten to her. In the last two days, while I've been going about my business she's been becoming more cold and distant. I went to kiss her good morning today and she pulled away. I asked what was wrong, she said "nothing" so I carried on with my day.

A few minutes later she pipes up - "actually, I'm really insulted you think I treat you like a slave". During the above altercation I had said "I'm not your slave and won't tolerate your speaking to me that way". Didn't think much of it at the time. She then proceeds to try a pressure flip - "you never say thank you for what I do around the house and then you get shitty about me not saying please once. I ask you to do one thing and it's a big issue yada yada".

I lose frame a little here by trying to reason with her. "Our split of housework is equitable and I don't have an issue helping out with the washing. This is about the way you speak to me." I then STFU and jump in the shower, playing over in my head the "better" things I could have said here.

It then hits me - STFU, acta non verba, lead. I cheerfully carry on with my morning until she leaves for work. She tries the usual fight-trick, a passive-agressive 'no kiss goodbye'. (This used to be my trick too.)

I walk up, grab her, and kiss her passionately. She hesitates for a second, then yields, and starts kissing me back. I am in control.

She pulled away first, which was not my intention, but I think I reacted quickly enough to give the impression it was mutual.

Though I made some mistakes, I think I passed the shit test. Also, she folded up the clothes she threw at me a couple of days ago.