Background: 39M/41F, 10 years married, w/kids (blended). Lifting and dieting like a fiend- Constant compliments from friends and family. Wife making comments that we don't fit together anymore (i.e. I'm looking slimmer than she is, and losing weight faster.)

Situation: I have a comfort test in progress at the moment. I'm out of town. Wife sent me an email, wondering where my feelings went, looking for me to engage in emotional nonsense that quite frankly I don't have the energy or desire for. I've recently come to the suspicion that my wife may have borderline personality disorder. Rudimentary research on this in redpill space and elsewhere, leads me to thinking that certain things fit and sound right. But then again, many people thought for a while, that BPD is really women just being women.

Contextually, from the email and past conversations...she is attempting to guilt me into providing a robust romantic emotion filled response like I used to, in the form of being all in and one with her, and all I really want to do is lay into her about shit that doesn't matter, because it's all about me being a faggot in the end.

So I deleted my response to her midway into typing it and told myself to stop being a faggot, because I know where this leads. Most of the time I go faggot, it's because of some hypocrisy of her's or another that I'm butthurt about or how shit isn't fair. And ultimately, it is the allure of the BP dream of oneitis and unicorns. But that shit's not real. So I'm searching for alternate methods of dealing with this besides anger and faggotry.

Tools I've picked up (besides aa and am):

For Comfort tests:

Bear hug (thanks persaeus, this is magic)

For Shit tests:

I go lift.

I think about how my next meal is going to be even healthier than the last one.

I go buy protein.

I go do something else, like fix shit.

The ask:

What would Chad do? Chad comes from a frame of plates, which leads to OI and IDGAF. I want to lift when I get off work. So...I'm going to go do that. I want to eat in peace...so I'm going to go do that. I don't want to respond in kind to this email and I definitely don't want to break frame...so I'm not going to do the former, and I'm looking for guidance on that latter. But, ultimately, I wonder if I'm missing opportunities here.

Old me (with ex-wife), would go to the bar and catch (and maybe release). But that feels tit for tat. What I want, is to set this going forward on the right trajectory. Alpha comfort. Lift. Eat. In no particular order. Dread level is high (perceived by her), she feels I'm only here to cheat on her and/or that it's only a matter of time before some girl catches my eye.

For me? If I was going to explore, I have a number in mind, and I've not reached it yet. So for now, I lift, diet, read, dread, and hold a pussy frame with her.

Hit me.

Follow-up

I fogged until the next day "Busy." "Trying to beat the storms to get out of here." I did respond in a new email thread focusing on the things I wanted to encourage and invest in regarding the relationship. She noticed I ignored the hamster bait when I got home. Side note, I have a field report to provide on BPD hamster traps. The gyst of that is, the reason STFU is so powerful as a tool is because it prevents you from tripping over your dick on hamster paths that are meant to draw out emotion and expose weaknesses and motives.

Regardless, because I took a strategic approach to my response, her hamster has been on full tilt. With no perceived weaknesses to shake a stick at and gain toxic comfort from, she began exposing her own.

"I'm the fat one compared to you now."

"I don't want a hot husband."

"I want my husband to think I am better than him."

"The best he could ever get."

"You're so thin now, your French physique is more proportional to demure French women. 4 inches shorter and thin."

I faltered here, because I vowed not to show anything that could be perceived as insecurity, but I failed to resist the temptation to flip this on her. "So what you are saying is that you want someone 4 inches taller? And bigger?" She kept at it..."No, we are talking about you right now. You want a French woman." I then remember and tact back to frame. "You are making very good points. Perhaps, we should get a french woman." "Well...it will have to be without me..." I didn't catch the rest of it, because I walked out of the room to grab some more coffee. A minute later, she realizes I've left and found me. "You should be with a french woman." "All valid points, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." "What? I don't have a newsletter." I flip. "You do realize I was this height before we met." I then get close to her...to remind her...I'm taller. I'm broader. And she completely melted. Her shoulders hunched forward, and she tucked up under me. Queue bear hug. She says "I don't know what to do with you being the hot one."

Now we are firmly in comfort test territory. Respectful. Submissive. Authentic.

So the BPD woman lives in a constant state of paranoia of abandonment. I carpet bomb those areas. For her, "I chose you. I choose you daily. Even though you are a mess, I love all of the good in you. You're going to be fine. We're going to be fine." and then smacked her ass and continued to drink my coffee. This petered out into discussions about finance and action items.

In summary

Things I avoided:

  • A protracted fight long distance.

  • Shit tests.

  • A loving email mixed with insecurity triggers. BPD Hamster bait.

  • Having to read a book called "How to fight fair." BPD Hamster bait.

  • Having to read a book called "Romantic love in couples." BPD Hamster bait.

  • Mentioning anything about the bed sheets not being on the bed and having been washed. BPD Hamster bait.

Things that happened instead:

  • Comfort tests.

  • Her reading my books instead (on financial investing).

  • Sex.

  • A downhill slope to practicing frame by spotting and observing her weaknesses.

  • Having my best friend back to plot against the world.

  • Laughing.

Things I fucked up on:

  • I should never have revealed anything close to an insecurity to take a pot shot at her. It's my subconscious beta brain trying to fuck things up for me, and I am sick of his shit.

  • Almost writing a direct email response back, filled with anger.

Things I accidentally did well: Existing in my own frame, so much so that, I inadvertently saved myself from taking issue with the bed sheets. See...we had been sexting beforehand that day...so she was ready to go. Anyway, when I land, our traditional thing is to meet at a bar to catch up. So I fog, we catch up, and I feed the hamster. "Of course a girl sat next to me on the plane." "Yes, she was young and thin." More kino, drinks, kino, kissing, etc. I bring her to the car, and she says she is ready to fuck, but then gives an embarrassed/cutesy look, "...but the sheets are in the dryer." At the bar, I had already been formulating a plan for car sex as part of feeding the hamster. The plan was simple. Take her to my work place parking lot, nearby, empty, dark at night. The idea being to associate that it's possible to fuck in my car, at my workplace. We did. I then thought about it on the way home. She's trying to dread me. If she had cheated, she would do it to a careful precision. No clues. Definitely not deliberately bring my attention to them. We got home, rock solid frame, I grabbed the sheets and put them on the bed. She was depressed and mopey. Wanted us to read "How to fight fair." Fog, tired, we climbed into bed. She wanted to lay on me...was pouting. I said "Do we need to fuck again?" "Maybe. Only if you want to." Done. This settled her out.

I'm looping over these items to wear a hole in the carpet of my faggot beta brain to remember this success.

Cheers, guys. Thank you for talking me off the ledge. Failing at this repeatedly before has been nightmarish.