My father abandoned me since before I was born. There's never been an uncle, grandfather, older cousin, mentor, teacher, or even a family friend to fill in the lack of an influential masculine figure in my life. Most of my family are women, and I've lived with my mom and grandma all my life. All this is to say I never grew up with the influence of men but instead women, and have never been taught a single thing about women from a man's perspective. All the crap I've been spoonfed about women from my mom and grandma is just that, crap.

I've had lots of mixed experiences with women. A handful of women consider me attractive and handsome, while a handful of others consider me unattractive and even downright ugly. It's 50/50. I've come to realize I'm the "inherently nice guy." I'm not the type of guy to do nice things for women and agree with everything they say in exchange for sex, I know how to voice my opinion and stand up for myself but because I have a lot of female friends who see me as funny and safe to be around is what inherently makes me the "nice guy." Despite not being desired by lots of women, and having very little relationship experiences, so frequently do my female friends turn to me when their relationships aren't going well, seeing me as this love guru type figure for when they need a shoulder to cry on and someone to rant and ask advice to. And, so frequently are groups of girls surprised I don't have a girlfriend and go on to ask "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" I just don't understand. My best guess is they see me as what a boyfriend should be, but not what women want internally. Lots of guy friends are surprised by the same thing and even ask me the same question, and even tell me I'm a well socially adjustable person, smart, attractive even, talented and have clear life goals, and me not having a girlfriend doesn't make sense. And this is coming from guys who have more relationship experiences than me.

As for the relationships I did have, my first girfriend - despite asking me out - was never really interested in me and ended up cheating on me. A couple of years later, my second and last girlfriend broke up with her cheating ex and we dated shortly after - she also asked me out. Not even a full month into our relationship, she broke up with me through text just to go right back to her cheating ex. Looking back on it now and knowing what I know now about some women, they don't want "gaps" to go by when they're not dating. So, she turned to me - what she considers "second best" - to use me as that gap filler, someone to say "Hey, I moved on! What are you gonna do about it!?" to that other guy she's still hung up on. It also taught me just because a woman may be Christian and act innocent doesn't mean jackshit. I've asked out women and tried to initate my own relationships, but I've been rejected everytime I did so. Even if it's not asking a woman out but instead trying to find a date to homecoming I was never fortunate to find one. Well, I almost did. I was the "second best" to a female friend of mine when she was having conflicts with her boyfriend at the time. Basically, if he didn't want to go then I would take her place, and if he did decide to go I would be the third wheel. Except, it kept going back and forth and clearly the two needed to deal with things themselves so I declined to go even if I wouldn't have ended up as a third wheel. The last girl I asked out is someone I had a very serious crush on. My friends, without me saying anything, saw the girl and I as a great couple, said she obviously has a crush on, and was encouraged to ask her out. I did, but she rejected me. I was okay with the rejection, until she started stranger-zoning me if not more than that. She would literally run away from me like I was a threat to be reckoned with. Funny thing is, she went out with a guy who she had frequent arguments with, and even cheated on her a handful of times. She deems me a threat but not the guy who's constantly mentally and emotionally abusing her. I don't understand. Am I just that disgusting to women she couldn't even remain friends with me?

Cut to present day: My experience with women is even more interesting to say the least. Since the pandemic started, I made some new friends online. I'm friends with two girls in particular - one from Egypt and another from Lithuania. (Before anyone asks: Yes, these are real girls and not trolls.) They've long admitted to having crushes on me, and respond positively when I flirt with them. Not much has changed about my appearance nor personality, so I'm inherently the same person I was beforehand. They're not afraid to call me handsome and, despite us not being able to date and be physically intimate as we wish since we're literally across the world, our friendships are still strong and filled with light to heavy flirting to make up for it. One of the girls even admitted to masturbating to me, which that's very new for me. A handful of girls from high school are showing more interest in me long after graduation, a few even asked me out. I declined the ones who asked me out since they're... let's just say they would easily fit in that one weird clique you had back in school. I also notice a small handful of these girls are treating me as their "second place," someone they don't consider at first until they have nobody left. This is already kinda long, but to wrap this up: I dunno what's changed after high school. Even if I'm just gonna be a second place, I wonder why girls are choosing now to approach me differently. How can I become that first place man? I dunno what I'm doing differently to attract those two girls I can't physically be with. What strategy do I need to use to make every girl have that same attraction to me, make me the first place man, and be sure that the next time I ask out a girl they'd say yes and won't just cheat or break up with me for someone else?