When she admits to poor behaviour

DrMcMeow · 2017-06-26T18:12:57+00:00

Congrats, your GF is willing to try new things with you. That's the sole positive, now let's examine your negative behavior.

Women are typically more risk adverse than men. You failed to recognize this in your own GF. As the Captain, it is your job to ensure that the First Mate is prepared for the adventure. First, why did you leave packing until the night before? The night before is for reviewing the plan and what you've packed. This is Activity/Vacation 101. Packing is to be done 48 before leaving.

Second, your First Mate brought you her problem, and you failed to over a solution. You have her physical comfort (good), but no verbal comfort. What you should have done is sat down and explained that for this type of hike she could wear what she usually does, and then went and picked out clothes together. She wanted your guidance and direction, and as a Captain you failed her.

Third, she sought comfort and sympathy from your mother, because you didn't provide it for her. Remember, your GF is risk adverse. You were taking her on a new adventure and didn't provide her with enough information for her to feel prepared and ready for success. That is on you. As this point it was a shitty comfort test, because talking poorly about you to others is a hallmark characteristic of a shit test. Just think she could have been bragging to your friends and parents about how great you and the trip were if only some better planning had been put in place by her Captain.

Finally, you're the CAPTAIN of your ship. Why wouldn't the perfect execution of the trip lay entirely on your shoulders? Are you not the Captain? Sure you can delegate out tasks, but only once you've trained your First Mate to properly handle them. Also, your GF's idea to make a list was a good one. Listen to that.

TopOfTheEighth · 2017-06-26T18:16:00+00:00

I just stared at her and resisted the urge to say "If you hadn't of freaked out like a child and helped me pack, perhapes your XXX would have been packed instead of left at home".

Good job resisting acting butthurt.

Why is she doing this? To get sympathy from my mother?

Because she's a woman, and women have to victim puke about everything that they have a feeling about (which is exactly what you resisted above).

So two things, how could I have handled her initial freakout, and subsequent shit tests on the hike better? (AKA do I call her out?)

Hugging her like you did seems fine, but you didn't reassure her and lead her into doing what she needed to do after the fact. And "calling her out" isn't going to accomplish anything.

and yes, I recognize in myself that I find it unfair that the perfect execution of the trip lay entirely on my shoulders. I know that probably wont change, but I want a PARTNER not a DEPENDENT. I'll get those when I have kids.

Get over it. You don't have a partner. You have someone you need to lead. Don't turn this into an excuse to be a victim. Turn it into an excuse to be a leader.

thewholefnshow547 · 2017-06-26T18:14:50+00:00

There was a rational male blog post about how women in general are fearful of trying new things that they feel that they are bad at or lesser than their peers. Wish I could site it for you. I found it to be in interesting read, and insightful for your situation.

There are a whole bunch of thing that could be going on in her head. You chose comfort to calm her, that might have been a good play, seeing as how she was actually crying. When my wife starts freaking out like that, when faced with similar situations, I go cocky and confident superhero leader. Kind of like a "stick with me babe, I know what I am doing." or "You don't have to worry about a thing, you will have fun as long as you are with me." vibe. Also maybe you could have micromanaged her packing a bit. Tell her what to do and how to pack it. Pretend like you are a master hiker and know exactly what to pack and how to do it, even if you don't, especially if you don't. And if you forgot something say, "well we didn't need that anyways, would have been extra weight."

fuckmrp · 2017-06-26T18:20:33+00:00

So two things, how could I have handled her initial freakout, and subsequent shit tests on the hike better?

I have two questions for you?

Why are you dating a chick that can't keep up with you? What value does she contribute?

She sounds like a real treat, loads of fun. I'm going to guess vagina and lack of options for the win...

And, why does she talk about her melt downs in front of my family?

Maybe she's preparing them before they witness it first hand.

but I want a PARTNER not a DEPENDENT

Keeping the dream alive...

RedishPill · 2017-06-27T18:07:50+00:00

I took the opportunity to talk with her last night (it was one of those "lets get drunk on monday" nights) and I pulled her close and mentioned how I've overlooked things for her that were obvious to me on trips previously (I am getting better) and that from now on, every new trip/adventure we do, I am going to sit down with her and we are going to go over everything and make a big list. If I forget and we are planning a trip and I haven't gone over everything with you, then YOU NEED TO REMIND ME so that we can both get on the same page.

I also said how her having a meltdown was not conducive to us packing and having a successful trip, and that while I should have picked up on her distress and taken care of the situation(bad idea?), if she feels that way SHE NEEDS TO COME TO ME AND TELL ME. Then I can get her onto something else.

straius · 2017-06-26T18:17:59+00:00

It may be that the better move in the future would have been to delegate a smaller responsibility or specific goal to her instead of letting her quit packing altogether.

As far as her relating the melt down or complaining later, I would highlight disappointment in her behavior (without getting angry), fog her on what was forgotten and remind her that her participation is important to you.

She may just be projecting her own frustrations with herself about having such a stupid meltdown and looking for placation from your family. But that's a wild guess.

Good on the emotional control, I'm still working on not retorting back in disgust. STFU is one of the harder skills for me.

smokecheck1976 · 2017-06-27T05:44:05+00:00

Okay, she likes to have a list handy when she is planning for something she hasn't done before. What about that isn't doable? Relatively, that's a low hanging item, and if it provides some security and comfort to her, then just write a list including the items needed. Let her mark it off, then something on the list but not packed becomes her responsibility.

As to the meltdowns, that is a bit disturbing. I expect meltdowns out of a child, not an adult of any sort.

2gunsgetsome · 2017-06-28T00:02:01+00:00

"I don't have any of the right clothing, you do this all the time but I don't" and starts crying.

it's never about the dishes (or the shirt in this case).

trip with my gf (her first) and another couple (very experienced) … afterwards I discovered it may have been that she was just overwhelmed about a new experience.

Bingo.

RP kicks in and I just grab her into a big hug and hold her for a bit until she stops crying.

Good. But then:

because all she really needed was to grab a Tshirt out of the closet

You tried to fix her problem, not validate or redirect her feelings.

I didn't really understand what the problem was

Her real "problem" was that she was afraid to look like a poser to the group.

During the comfort hug, I would have given her a narrative to follow out of her anxious feelz: "(experienced wife) usually wears something like X (whatever the fuck you want her to pack)"

Now, about the shitty behavior:

she complained on the hike about how I forgot to pack specific food items

Did you? Was it critical? Fog "I know, right? A (whatever) would hit the spot right now." Own your shit next time.

Was it not critical? So what? Laugh it off. Or A&A: "OMG, how are we ever going to survive?! RPS for who gets eaten first- GO!"

Then later:

She even recounted two other meltdowns that she had on the hike where things were getting too tough for her and she couldn't do it. Why is she doing this?

Doesn't everyone want their adventure to sound epic when they tell the story?

Build her up and refocus the feelz: "Yeah, those spots were tough, but you powered through, didn't you? Tell her about the view at the top of that steep part! We're going to crush the next one!"

Also, you've got a willing sidekick who wants to follow your lead. Help her be a good sidekick and make a fucking list! I do this all the time and I have fun with it- among the legitimate items for the trip, I'll sneak in things like "condoms", "lube", "BenWa balls", or my favorite "~~panties~~".

Title	When she admits to poor behaviour
Author	RedishPill
Upvotes	6
Comments	24
Date	June 26, 2017 5:26 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6jmjuw/when_she_admits_to_poor_behaviour/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/when-she-admits-to-poor-behaviour.205942 https://theredarchive.com/post/205942

Comments