How important is keeping frame among close friends?

redwall92 · 2021-01-28T17:10:49+00:00

In the end you cannot control what your friends do.

I've got a guy friend. He and I were bs-ing about life and how our marriages were going. Now - my wife and his wife are basically best friends. I ended up having some of what I said to my buddy used as ammo against me by my wife.

What I told me buddy ended up going to his wife then to my wife and then hit me in the back.

No bueno. I never told my buddy about it. But I also don't tell him stuff anymore that I wouldn't want getting back to my wife.

Basically you've got to vet your friends to see how they will handle life and/or the details of your life/self that you share.

But in the end - you do you wins the day. You can't control another person.

rocknrollchuck · 2021-01-28T18:07:10+00:00

How important is keeping frame among close friends? Is it important, and if so what does it look like? Recently, I found out that some of my closest friends mentioned in a lighthearted manner something I had confided to them in a larger group setting, and I was really bothered by it.

It's not "keeping frame", it's about boundaries. This was a boundary, and they crossed it. The question is, was it clearly understood or did you just kind of assume that it was because of the context in which you shared it? This is important. Clear boundaries are what make people respect you, and those are established by actions, not words.

Once you have clearly established boundaries in place, and are willing and able to back them up with actions, then the perceived weakness in overreacting will disappear, because you won't overreact - you will simply decide that it was either acceptable or unacceptable based on the framework you set ahead of time. That makes decisions much easier. Unfortunately one of those decisions may be limiting or cutting contact with those who refuse to respect your boundaries.

What can I do now?

The next time you are with these friends, tell them that they crossed a boundary. Admit you handled it poorly, but going forward you expect personal things told in confidence to stay between you. Finish with "I don't hang with people who gossip and joke about my personal stuff." and see what they do.

redarcher99 · 2021-01-29T07:02:31+00:00

Remember that people let you down but God never does:
Psalm 118:8 - "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man".
Jesus was betrayed too and understands how you feel, cast your cares and concerns on him.
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (also Philippians 4:6)
Get confirmation that someone will keep what you say confidential before telling them something you don’t want them blabbing about.
If they break confidence then go to the one-on-one in person to resolve it as Jesus recommends it (Matthew 18:15-17). Tell them how you feel, why you think what they did was wrong, seek an apology and to be reconciled with them. Forgive them even if they don't offer an apology.

Title	How important is keeping frame among close friends?
Author	careeningtracktor
Upvotes	2
Comments	10
Date	January 28, 2021 4:43 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/l71ten/how_important_is_keeping_frame_among_close_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/how-important-is-keeping-frame-among-close-friends.734523 https://theredarchive.com/post/734523

Comments