Background to me being suicidal: false rape accusation. No friends at all because of it. That's all I really need to say...

This is a typical case of oneitis, except for some reason I managed to pull a small win out of it.

C is only the 4th girl I've slept with, and she's the first one that 1) I find super attractive and 2) she actually makes me feel desired by fucking me like a pornstar. Obviously, I got oneitis. It didn't help that she's also in all my classes and very smart - we are collaborating on a few projects outside of class because a mutual friend hired us to do so.

We dated (and fucked) for two weeks before she broke it off. (She'd just left a long term relationship and didn't know what she wanted, plus she liked another guy more than me and I'm "too much of a fuckboy"). I guess I took the redpill advice a little too well. Not enough beta comfort, I guess.

I'm only the second guy she ever fucked, he's the third. Post-breakup (since we have the same classes we collaborate on homework), we continue on as friends and I just fuck around on Tinder, sending her screenshots. This reaffirms her belief that "I'm 100% fuckboy".

After a month, I decide that I have nothing to lose, so I try pulling out all the beta cards, and it actually works - we're back together. Other dude pumped and dumped so she's not ready to have sex yet, but I'm getting handjobs so amazing they're better than sex or blowjobs, along with blowjobs as well so whatever.

Life is good for a week. We're planning a day in the city on Friday.

Dad had a heart attack the night before we visited the city, I find out the day of, and we visit him. Dad's doing well, we talk for a bit. Mom really likes her and slips me $100 so we can get dinner.

Dinner is at a fancy steak place. She pays for her half. She won't let me pay for her, ever. We spend Saturday and Sunday together doing homework, watching movies, and basically everything but sex (again, BJs apparently don't count as sex..).

Sunday night, she actually asked to come over. After she leaves Monday morning for her classes, she generally just grows more cold.

By Wednesday night, she hasn't said anything, but I already know what's up.

Thursday we get out of class, I ask her what's up and she admits she doesn't want a relationship (again). We talk for a bit about why, and I decide that at this point it's all completely gone, so I might as well be open.

She asks what I'll do now. I say that I'll probably go to the gym and make poor decisions with drugs. Maybe coke, maybe steroids.

She tries digging in harder, revealing that she had previously been suicidal. I explain my background to her, that I've been suicidal for a while now too and I'm pretty much a lone wolf. She begs me not to do anything rash, I say that I don't care, since every good thing that enters my life has a ridiculously short time limit and "it gets better" is only a temporary thing.

She's literally holding me as tight as possible at this point. We talk for 2 hours - eventually she has to use the bathroom - earlier she had said "I'm not leaving until you promise me you won't do anything."

I go to the men's one, and take my time coming up - when I did, she went "oh my god I was like 'fuck what if he left' as soon as I went inside"

The school buildings are closing soon, so she says we head back to my place 'but nothing sexual' and we sit on my bed talking, which leads to cuddling and making out.

Eventually, after a lot of escalating, she tells me to get a condom. Best sex ever. After about 30 minutes of pounding in various positions and some choking and biting, she tells me to take the condom off so she can suck me while masturbating so she can be really tight for me to cum in. She crashes the night. It's been 7 hours of emotional ups and downs for me at this point.

I have nightmares where I'm drowning.

We get coffee the next morning and she says we should go no contact apart from professional work for my sake.

And that's it.

Somehow, being open about how I'd tried to kill myself in the past connected with her. I thought being vulnerable wasn't supposed to work, but it did in this case. I'm guessing that's why, since she felt that shared ground?

All communication since then (this was a month ago) has been purely professional.