Some background of me: She was my first serious girlfriend. I only had 1 girlfriend before her when I was 24 but that only lasted 5 months and it was much less deep.

We got together when I was 32 and she was 36. She expressed often jokingly that her biological clock is ticking and she will want a kid. As we started off quite casual, I told her at the beginning that I'm not ready for such thing. 6 months into the relationship I told her again that I'm not ready yet to have kids. She always said that we don't have to decide today and we basically avoided the subject usually. As we progressed we started to really like each other and we fell in love. I enjoyed the time spent with her very much, however I had the growing feeling of guilt that soon I have to decide - shit or get off the pot situation. We didn't even move together yet, but I felt that I can't waste her time anymore. This blew up around last year summer and I told her that I am very afraid of this and I can't take this leap. She was devastated and myself too, because if time doesn't pressure us we could've been still together and figure this out. I loved her, she loved me. Breaking up with her was the worst day of my life.

To this day, I think about her everyday whether I have made the right decision. I know I can still go back to her but I think the window is closing so I have to decide quick. To be honest my self esteem grew a lot and even now I feel a lot better about myself and I'm way more confident with women since then. I know I have potential.

So I realized why I couldn't make the leap. I've started to long for other, younger women already during the relationship. Only on a physical level. Not a specific girl or something, just young women in general. So now I understand that my fear originates from the feeling that if I commit to her, have a kid, then I won't be satisfied with her on the long run and I will want a younger woman. That would be terrible for her, for the kid, and for me. She doesn't deserve that. My brain is splitting between the two feelings that I love her a lot, I love her company, but I feel like my attraction toward her started to decline as she ages, and I will want something else physically. I'm dreading that I'm stuck in such situation with a little kid and her.

As I don't have much experience with relationships I don't know whether this is something I can suppress, or love will essentially make it a non-issue and I will not care and have a wonderful marriage with her. Or this will just be there nagging me until it blows up.

I know that this is terrible and I feel bad about it but I can't deny my instincts. I tried every reasoning to make the leap and go back to her and commmit but something stops me and I cant do it. I still feel very guilty and I feel like I abandoned somebody whom I love.

I know the picture I painted doesn't look pretty but I honestly feel like I might be passing on a great person, a great companion, a woman who loved me, just because I'm immature and desire young women also. I'm very afraid that I will regret this decision when I get older and realize that she was the one.

What is your experience with such a thing?

tl;dr: I (34m) broke up with 38 years old girlfriend after 1.5 years because I couldn't make the leap to have kids, and now I'm agonizing whether I made the right decision