Dealing with beta orbiters

machimus · 2015-04-16T00:48:35+00:00

Well, I think the jury is still out on the best way, but I'll tell you a story of what worked for me:

I was in a LTR in college and she had this friend who I was SURE was gay. Super, super flamboyant. Still, he kept trying to get her to hang out, and badmouth me to her when he could. Keep in mind this was back when I was mostly BP and there's almost no way I could be construed as a jerk at that point in my life; a real sweetheart.

Anyway, it fit every instinct of a guy trying to edge in on my girl. (Confusing, because I was simultaneously positive he was gay and positive he was after her.) But she still insisted he was just a friend, and in her mind he was. All I did was casually question her assumptions and provide a few examples of things guys do when they want a girl, and lo and behold, he got her a giant teddy bear one day and confessed his love to her.

It...did not turn out well for him. Also I looked like a motherfucking pimp. But it was one of my first conceptual introductions to beta orbiters.

my_goblin_face · 2015-04-16T06:46:46+00:00

The best way to ruin an orbiter's day is to be nice to him—not in the supplicating, favors-for-favors way that he understands, but in the magnanimous style of a good chief. If he reacts well to this, then you will have confused his emotions and ideally sapped his will to act against you. If he reacts poorly, everyone else will see him being childish and petty. Either way you hold your frame and establish a clear leader-follower dynamic.

Later, of course, you can mention to your girl that he's clearly holding a torch for her. Deliver this news ruefully, as if you really like the dude and just hate that his inappropriate feelings have to stand in the way of you being buddies.

fnordsnord · 2015-04-16T00:59:17+00:00

/u/machimus is right. One of the best ways to deal with this over time is to tell her exactly what he's trying to do, and predict his behavior. Women like nothing better than thinking they have our playbook. It takes away our power.

TheGillos · 2015-04-16T02:31:02+00:00

In addition to what /u/machimus said, the nuclear option could be as simple as a line of questioning when you are alone with an orbiter or with him and your girl questioning if he finds her attractive, would date her if she was single, thinks she has a nice ass, whatever. That's ammo to prove he doesn't see HER as just a friend, no matter what she thinks.

Title	Dealing with beta orbiters
Author	ambitiondefinesme
Upvotes	6
Comments	5
Date	April 16, 2015 12:12 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/32qx3g/dealing_with_beta_orbiters/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/dealing-with-beta-orbiters.147996 https://theredarchive.com/post/147996

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