I am tired of my life. I cannot put my past behind me. I want to grow up but I don’t feel like I have it in me to get on with my life. Medication/counseling didnt help me when I was a teenager. I am 25 now. I have good looks, wealth, physique but my mind is so poisoned that my job, my money, muscles or looks dont mean shit because im just a basketcase in general. I have no friends but i cant make any because i am so mistrusting of other people (because ive been fucked over all my life by people i trusted). I have known about this community for almost 3 yrs so ive read a ton of rp material, books, articles. I am not new here.
I feel like my mother purposely fucked me up and purposely ruined my view of women. I am scared shitless when I am around women because my mother would always shit test me/get under my skin/emasculate me. So whenever im around women (even my own younger sister) im on edge because my mind is in a paranoid/anxious state. The only time i am confident with women is when i know for sure that they are broken (like me i guess) in some way or have low self esteem or have daddy issues/whatever...
I was molested by a neighborhood friend of mine from age three to six yrs old. This has crushed my self esteem, my sense of self, this has crushed my being and spirit. I did not fully realize how much of an effect this has had on my life until now because in the past i have always put this behind me. But now that i am getting older, turning 25 soon, i notice that something is wrong about me. And i try to trace back how this could’ve happened and this is the only logical conclusion.
Everything is on track — my work, my body, but my mind is so fucked up. Im just sick of this life i live. I cant believe i was born to this shit.
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