Hey all -

I've been brewing this post for some time, trying to figure out how to distill my situation down to something digestible. It's long but it could be 300 pages. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Here it goes.

I've been a beta all my life. Youngest in my family, coddled by my mother and programmed to have a general impression that it was better to be emotive and sensitive. Difficult relationship with my very RP father and two (mostly) RP older brothers.

I started putting on major weight when I was about 11 and the pounds just piled and piled on. It made me depressed and I slipped further and further. I decided I couldn't compete on the looks front, so I decided to develop other personality attributes like my intellect and humor (all women fall for the funny guy, right? Oh wait - that's a fucking myth? You don't say). High school was miserable. I made out with one girl, once. And she made out with another guy about two hours later.

I was a fat slob that survived on table scraps from my alpha friends who kept me around as the comic relief.

In college, I thought I'd "reinvent myself" and decided to be more confident. This didn't process well for me, as I was pretty much just an asshole. A fat one at that. I finally got a girl my senior year and lost my virginity. I thought it was love forever. Started saving up for a ring.

And then she dumped me and cheated on me. That was 8 years ago.

I rationalized it a thousand ways, but never really understood what actually happened. With the help of /r/TheRedPill I finally figured out that I was an emotionally needy pussy that had just about the lowest SMV possible.

In the last 8 years, nothing has changed. I emerged from my depression of that relationship and chased girl after girl trying to solve my emptiness. I actually had some success with some women, but couldn't feel comfortable in an equitable relationship. I wanted the FEELS. I wanted CRAZY STUPID LOVE. I wanted, well...I wanted my HIGH, dammit. I wanted the "unobtainable" women that were most certain to lead me to disaster and pain. I didn't know the meaning of the word "confident." It was a vague, nebulous, meaningless concept to me. Same with self-esteem, self-efficacy, and purpose. I was floating around looking for someone to fulfill my needs.

I am now 30 years old and haven't found anyone that can do that.

The last relationship that catalyzed my change to RP was a doozy. I met a girl at work, sweet as can be, very into me. At first I wasn't into her. Then we hung out more and I realized that I had feelings for her. Like a chump, I admitted those feelings and was shot down almost immediately. It was then that she knew she had me.

See, I didn't know this at the time, but the past two years revealed to me that this girl was downright pathological. She was a narcissist to the max. She would increase her intimacy level with me, raising my hopes, and then - freeze me out, lie to me, cold shoulder me, ignore me in a room full of people she would laugh and joke with, hurt me in every way possible, and then - after all that - rekindle some sort of intimacy (or at least the offer of friendship).

The shame of subjecting myself to this cycle for two years is beyond words. But, it happened. My humiliation final took place two months ago. The details are unimportant, it wasn't anything special. Just another setup and takedown. She hasn't spoken to me in weeks, for absolutely no reason. Last things she said to me were, "see you later this week!" I've been on vacation from work and have decided to take this time - rather than wallowing in a pit of depression - to really take control of my life.

I found TRP at my lowest moment. And it was a rope up. I'm not up the rope yet, but at least I'm moving toward the light at the opening of the pit. I'm far from being where I need to be and still have many beta inclinations which I am confronting. The most important thing is my health, of which I have created and am following a diet and fitness plan for myself. The goods have to compete in the market, no one wants to fuck a fat piece of shit. No more of this, "you'll find the right girl when the time comes along!" Nope. No more fairy tale. I only want truth. Reality. Everything else is worthless to me.

Anyhow, like I said, I haven't seen her or talked to her in weeks. She is onto a new guy, and usually freezes me out when she does this. She created a reward-punishment system that I was addicted to. Or at least thought I was addicted to. I had such bad ONEitis that I would hang around and vow I would never speak to her again for hurting me so badly. Until she welcomed me back into the fold and would run back to her with open arms. I mean I just wanted to be warm after being in the cold for so long, right? PATHETIC.

I feel empowered for the first time in my life. I have tried to improve myself in the past, but never in a way that focused on the importance of self-improvement in a global (rather than narrow) way. I feel like I have a positive headspace and am digesting the right sort of shit instead of sad songs, stupid indie movies about love, and depressing books. I want to fill myself with positivity from now on. I have decided to stop CHOOSING MISERY.

So, onto my question. I am worried about going back to work. I feel like this girl really is a narcissist - like to a pathological level. Have never seen her take responsibility for ANYTHING, lies constantly, manipulates, gaslights, the whole deal. She has admitted to me that she LIKES these things. I have seen her spread lies and mistruths about co-workers. Write emails to my boss and try to get people fired. I won't say what my job is, but suffice to say it is a somewhat beta (but well-paying) job where we see each other ALL THE TIME. I can't just hide from her.

At this point, you may be inclined to ask - like all of my friends have for the past two years - "why would you want to be with someone like that?" The answer is obvious: I am a beta bitch that felt like that was all he could get (at best) or exactly what he deserved (at worst).

So I am worried about being smeared, bad-mouthed to others or my boss. I even catastrophize about worse things sometimes (like pinning a confabulated harassment or even rape charge against me). I keep thinking about old text messages that I sent before I knew she was poison. I made myself so vulnerable to her in so many ways. I talked shit about so many people to gain her approval. I know - the height of beta shit. Trying not to reflect on the eunuch bitch that I was. She could easily paint a picture of me as a shit dude, without the context of my POV. I am pathetic, but I'm not evil. I never did anything to hurt this girl. I wanted the best for her at all times. She didn't deserve that but, in the paradigm I was working within, I was "a standup guy."

I know a lot of this is my anxiety at work, but I'm worried that any attempt to harm me will unravel my confidence and turn me back to the weak, disempowered person I was. I just want to be done with her. I would quit my job but I have taken significant disability twice in the two years since I've been here, so not working there for awhile longer would ruin my future references. It's a prestigious institution. Also I don't want her to decide what I do with my career.

I return to work in a month. How do I deal with her? How do I prepare myself? Let me know if anything was unclear or if you want more information. I would be happy to provide this in the comments.

I want to take my power back. Thanks for reading.