Hello. I was in an LTR for 4 or so years. It ended because she wanted to get married/progress and I didn't. I've been reading TRP and trying to get out of my self loathing/pathetic mindset and it somewhat helps. I have started lifting, trying to meditate, etc.

The ex has now started seeing someone else and it's brought me right down, in spite of me hypocritically doing the exact same thing (no action yet on my part, not escalated due to guilt/fear of rejection, which is slowly improving).

When we were together, this girl wanted nothing but to be with me, and I held out on becoming further committed. I was always the one in control. Emotional brain feels like I made a mistake (I think this girl was one of the good ones, not "AWALT" type), but logically I know that it couldn't continue, as we wanted completely different things. It was becoming a shitshow.

To clarify, I "think" this girl was one of the good ones but I don't know for sure. I was always paranoid that she was seeing or talking to other dudes (or only with me for the money/whatever), but I think I made this up to avoid becoming too emotionally invested. To further clarify, I never accused her of anything and likewise did not check her phone or anything weird like that. These were private assumptions that I had made.

I feel like I simultaneously want to take the Red Pill, and my old life back (Blue pill?!). My old life was safe and secure but I wasn't very happy. However I don't know if this was the girl, myself, my job or a bunch of other factors. I am not happy now either. I tried a complete change of lifestyle / country a year or so ago and ended up even more unhappy.

How can I gain control of my mind, myself and my life? Why am I so bothered about her seeing someone else? I have so much cognitive dissonance when it comes to this shit, I don't know which way to turn or what to think.