How do I catch a cheater?

bmer92 · 2016-09-09T14:01:16+00:00

Dont bother. If its a looming feeling its probably happening, if you think its true it probably is. Next

quicklogaccount · 2016-09-09T17:03:16+00:00

I can't shake a gut feeling that my LTR is cheating on me.

Yeah, gut feelings are annoying little things. They're not meant to be right though, they're meant to prevent catastrophic damage.
Amazing tools to make you understand something is wrong, awful tools to point to what is wrong.

I've brought it up with her

You are a moron. Even BP movie writers know this isn't meant to work.

says I'm just being paranoid.

You probably are. She's probably not at it yet, therefore, you are paranoid.

so how can I go about exposing her?

You DON'T. Here's a few things.

Don't expect "ze closure". Good guys can only pull the trigger on real monsters, cheating girlfriends, parental murderers, child murderers, torturers.
But they get annoyed by crap just the same.

Here are the two things you should watch out for.

For starters, what is causing the gut feelings?
Consider the real possibility that your relationship is probably crap and a visceral gut feeling is the only tool strong enough your mind can use to cause you to end it.

Is she bitching and nagging?
Is she being whimsy, pestering?
Is she being ostensibly disrespectful?
Is she refusing to feel content no matter what you do?
Have you been too much effort in the relationship and reaping no fruits?

All this stuff causes "gut feelings". Unless you're a very self aware man, it'll probably trigger a "gut feeling" you already have. Your brain knows that stuff causes a powerful enough angst to put you to motion.

So, as for the cheater. A cheater is a liar, liars don't admit their lies (lie 101, don't ever admit). It's no use confronting. Some fellows manage to buy confessions by offering indulgence. Don't be one of those.
Forget the idea of getting a confession. I've heard here that universities expel students if there is above 50% chance he committed a rape, you're looking for 100% on something far less damaging than an expelling.
Go for the evidence and the red flags.

She's attentive and curious about your SCHEDULE;
She's not touching you, avoiding being touched (noob cheaters);
She's overly zealous, offering lots of comfort, on specific moments, after she wasn't communicating. Lots of kisses and I love yous after girl's night out;
She's fabricating little fights;
She's preemptively accusing you of cheating (one more reason not to accuse her);
She's giving an unprecedented and unnatural amount of details, often spontaneously, for covering a a time span (she doesn't remember what she had for breakfast but remembers the people she talked to on a cocktail on Friday night, their clothes, how long, or the music that played on the gym);
Shady cell phone behavior. She leaves everything everywhere, but the cell phone is ALWAYS close. She used to ask you to pick it up for her, now she confronts (or teases) you when you look at it.

There are tonnes of other red flags. Cheaters and liars trust they'll only be caught if they admit to it, but they're sloppy about it. Few people actually care for evidence and red flags, they need to catch them red handed or them to admit. Just don't ignore the red flags and you'll be ok.
Bear in mind that red flaggy behavior often PUTS AWAY gut feelings. That's why they do it, by the way. Love bombing, clinging, among others. Don't fall for it, look at the facts as they are.

crixusin · 2016-09-09T16:24:31+00:00

so how can I go about exposing her?

Just break up with her.

I started to employ a good strategy to weed out terrible people.

Do not LTR someone before one year. During that time, they'll one day show you who they really are. Turns out its usually for the worst.

Better to know before you've cucked yourself.

nastynickdr · 2016-09-09T16:27:00+00:00

Well, since you are about to next her, most wont agree with what i´ll say, but you could ask her to see her phone and see her facebook, whatsapp msg, etc. If she denies it, or hands you the phone after a few minutes (time to delete msgs) you are 100% sure to next her.

boolshynet · 2016-09-09T14:26:59+00:00

with a big net

BPasFuck · 2016-09-09T16:29:57+00:00

Never ask if someone is cheating.

If they are they'll lie, and hide it.

You must recognize:

1) Caesar's wife must be above suspicion.

2) If there's doubt, there is no doubt.

There's a lot of talk about the Paterfamilias and Ancient Rome. But, realize that by the end of the Empire, it was said that 'Rome rules the world, but women rule Rome.'

Caesar couldn't ignore the possibility that his old lady might've been cheating-- so he divorced her.

The next one didn't allow that sort of ambiguity.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2016-09-09T17:25:53+00:00

"When there is doubt, there is no doubt.*

-From "The Sayings of Chairman Zaitzev"

VonPalm · 2016-09-09T18:38:21+00:00

Man I did it to my X. Don't act suspect for a few weeks, then grab that bitches phone out of her hand and go through her out going and in coming calls. She likely deletes the messages

privilegechecked85 · 2016-09-09T14:06:16+00:00

You could spend thousands on a private investigator. Who can tell you either she is, or he didn't see any signs but still, can't say for sure she isn't.

So you might as well just next her.

MMABouncer · 2016-09-09T15:15:37+00:00

Getting closure isn't exactly RP. Just next her. When she asks, you state you feel she's cheating, and you're done. Leave it at that and walk away to never look back. Where there is smoke, there is ALWAYS fire.

Rorta · 2016-09-09T15:18:57+00:00

Trust your instincts, the reasons humans have evolved to have these is because they ultimately keep us safe.

Start emotionally checking out of the relationship today.

Henemil · 2016-09-09T15:24:40+00:00

If youve already confronted her then she is going to keep her cards extremely close to her chest from now on. If she did cheat she is going to delete all evidence of it on fb chat logs etc. She is going to delete texts etc.

Going about looking for evidence after youve confronted her is near impossible. You might never know at this point. Anyway, do you really want to be in a relationship which makes you feel this way?

Like everyone else is saying, dump her and move on.

Title	How do I catch a cheater?
Author	memurphsta
Upvotes	2
Comments	13
Date	September 9, 2016 1:56 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/51xi93/how_do_i_catch_a_cheater/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-i-catch-a-cheater.111055 https://theredarchive.com/post/111055

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