My apologies, beforehand, for the VERY long post.

I posted a few months ago regarding my situation and, thanks to a lot of great feedback and research, there have been some very "positive" changes in my relationship. If anyone reading this wants to get some background before diving into this one:

Just a quick status update: Now, I wont lie… I was bitter at first… and, maybe still am to some extent. There are times where I assume she is going to act a certain way, or say a certain thing, just because she always has done so, and I go into it with that preconceived scenario playing out. And, before she can act or speak, I am already on high alert… doesn’t help things, I know. I'm working on it.

The good news is, when I break frame, the old me would then get backed into a corner and find myself paying for it for weeks until she pushed too far. New, RP me, if what I said or did requires it, I apologize… and then, when I see that little glisten in her eye that says "I got him on the run", I say "I apologized. Lets move on." And she'll say "but, I am just trying to understand…. " and I'll cut her off and say "its done. Conversation over… move on." And, at that point, she knows… it is truly done… she can sulk about it all she wants… but, I am not going to try to justify or rationalize my behavior.

But, what I am posting about today is something that I still havent figured out and am curious if anyone out there is having these same experiences as I am. And, if so, how are you dealing with it… cuz this shit is making me fucking crazy.

My wife has to be constantly be doing something. Vacation, Dinner out, Shopping, you name it. As every weekend approaches, there is a "do you want to do X this weekend?" And, normally, that would be ok… but, usually, X is more involved…

During the week, there isnt as much time available to be doing all that… but, believe me, when a slot opens up… she wants to fill it with something… "Want to go out to eat?" "I was thinking about going to the store to look at blah blah blah…."

This isnt just a recent thing… she has been like this since we got married… but, now that I have discovered RP, my eyes are open to a lot more shit than they were to before… and, I am trying to be less of a passenger, and more of the driver in my own life.

But, a recent example … the last couple of months. Younger stepdaughter has a sporting event several hours away. Wife, despite not needing to take her because the team stays together at the hotel, tells me she is going. Nothing wrong with wanting to attend a child's sporting event… nothing at all. NOTE: She went to one about a month earlier as well, and, we have recently separated finances, AND, she told me she had to take out a loan to afford all the activities coming up for my step daughters, AND, "with Christmas coming and all"… but, really… nothing wrong with wanting to attend your child's sporting event.

I, armed with new found RP flowing through my veins, had chosen NOT to attend, however. NOTE: There is a long story as to why I did not want to attend that could be a whole separate post regarding time invested in both of my stepdaughters activities and having no say in disciplining them or any say in their activities (wont go there today). I stayed the course and did my best to resist my tendency to "explain myself", when my wife gets pushy.

Either the next weekend or the following one, my wife went on a trip to NY with my two step daughters. I am sure she dropped, at least, 2K by the time the whole thing was said and done. I did not go for a couple of reasons: 1) we went to NY about 2 years ago 2) it was a 9 hour bus ride to get there and 3) these things are always a fiasco… activities are planned back to back so, you might get to a touristy thing at 1PM, only to be rushed off because you are going to be late for the dance performance at 2:30PM… then, you have to go and meet your child at the hotel because the dance group needs to stay together… so, by the time you get your child, it is time to go eat dinner… but, you have to be back at the hotel by 8 for a meeting before lights out.

Again, I resisted the urge to "explain myself". And, I did not go to NY. I had a great weekend with my youngest daughter, at home, and chuckled at every social media post by my wife, regarding the trip… one would think they were having the most fun they had ever had in their lives.

It seems as though my wife has this thing where, almost always, even before a vacation she goes on has even started, she is looking towards the next activity or vacation rip. For example, while in NY, she was trying to plan another trip to NY saying how much the little one missed by not being there and that she needs to take the little one to NY in the spring. While I was at my bachelor party weekend, she was asking me "When are you taking ME there?"

We go to Disney every January as part of my oldest stepdaughters dance group. We aren't even in December yet, AND, my wife just got back from NY. She tells me, last night, that she thinks we should go to the Caribbean Islands with the kids, for their Spring Break. Now… wait a sec… I just found out, this past week, that the first weekend of December, my younger step daughter has a sports tournament about 4 hours away and that my wife has already booked the hotel and needs to know if I am going or not because, if I am not, maybe I can take my little one to see my oldest stepdaughter dance in a parade.

Now, in my mind, I am pretty sure I've decided to NOT go to that sporting event, but, to be honest, I haven't really thought about enough yet… but, last night my wife starts ALSO talking about how at the end of December, she is flying down to FL for another sports event my younger stepdaughter, that coincides with my oldest stepdaughter's dance performance down there… which I already knew about. I told my wife a few months ago that I was opting out of that one, considering that we will be down in FL for the Disney trip in January.

Then, my wife asks "well, don’t you want to fly down to at least spend New Year's eve with us?" At THAT point, it hit me that THAT trip would have her down in FL for New Years eve." So, I asked her if she was planning on bringing the little one and she said "yes" Then, I asked her if she had planned on discussing it with me because I was unaware that she would be down there New Years eve AND, furthermore, I did not know she was planning on bringing the little one… (NOW, this one, I screwed up on because she DID email me the dates that she would be down there and I should have seen that the return date was after january 1, but, WHO CAN KEEP UP WITH ALL THIS SHIT?).

Last night, I found my blood pressure going through the roof as I said to her "I don’t think I will be able to afford to fly down there to spend New Year's with you considering, Christmas is upon us, we have a trip to Disney coming in late January, and then less than 2 months later, you want to go to the Caribbean Islands".

So, I guess my question is, Am I the only guy dealing with this type of shit? Is this madness? Or, is it me?

And, the fucking rationalization for stuff kills me:

  • "I want the girls to experience things…"
  • " I was to experience things… "
  • "growing up, my parents never took us anywhere and I don’t want the girls to grow up like that… "
  • "I have to get out of the house because I work from home and I go stir crazy…" - this one makes me laugh because she wanted soooo bad to be able to work from home… now, she is trying to say that she has to get out of the house and she doesn’t realize that everyone else in the house is AWAY from the house all day… and MAYBE, they just want to chill when they get home.

Again, My apologies for the long post.

TLDR: Wife constantly has to be doing something (vacation, activities away from the home, shopping, etc). She uses the children (2 stepdaughters and 1 ours togethre) to fuel her "lifestyles of the rich and famous" lifestyle (of course the kids want to go to Disney, New York, the Beach… but, it isnt realistic). She is living beyond her/our means (we have separate finances, but, I know, in the end, I am also responsible for debt incurred by her).