Losing

Pokeylaw · 2019-09-18T14:45:44+00:00

Sounds like your a bitch, you already gave yourself a answer. You have no life so get one. You revolve around her so how about getting out the house. You have no friends go find a hobby. Your complaining about simple shit. Get over yourself

Ohboohoolittlegirl · 2019-09-18T14:22:35+00:00

I think you were a blue pill beta before and now she's seeing the real you.. That's a very different premise.

Read about dreadgame, apply and see how she responds.

somejerseydude · 2019-09-18T14:24:07+00:00

You’re existing entirely in her frame and she sees it. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she’s out with men when she says she’s out with her “work friends”

Best you can do is work on yourself and start acting alpha. May be too little too late but it can’t hurt to try.

onionknightofknee · 2019-09-18T16:53:21+00:00

create your own life and friendgroup there.

ThePosed · 2019-09-18T20:28:54+00:00

A lot of people on here see things through this blue pill/red pill lense, but this my first time on here and I'm not really convinced of that particular worldview. I think there are things you guys get right and a lot of things you get wrong.
So here's a dynamic I'm familiar with and I see playing out in your relationship: The passion trap (there's a book by this title that's worth checking out)
The basics of this dynamic: "passion" starts with (1) being open to finding someone (2) being physically attracted to them (3) seeing this person as being capable of meeting a critical combinations of your specific needs (social status is just one of these criteria). When these things happen, you start to become infatuated: intense hopes and desires are suddenly fixed on this person, you're intensely excited about it. The core to this feeling, the primary sensation is always the same: a plummeting, out of control feeling. You feel like your normal way of thinking and behaving goes haywire in a pleasant but terrifying way. Fear of loss is a major cause of the dangerous out of control feeling and that's what generates passion. In the beginning, both people are (nearly) equally afraid of losing the other, of being rejected. That's why we go through so much effort to put our best selves out there in the beginning....but what happens next?

In a balanced relationship, both partners have secured the other's love. They're more of less equal in several ways: in their attractiveness to each other, in their emotional investment in the relationship, and in the number of needs each will fill for the other. Neither feels suffocated or shortchanged, and neither in inclined to take the other for granted. But that's the best case scenario: love is so emotionally hyper-charged that is really easy to get off balance.

Imbalance can happen for a lot of reasons, but they roughly boil down to three: imbalance in attraction power, situational imbalance, and imbalance in personality styles. Whatever it is causing the imbalance isn't really the problem, its the way each person in the relationship behave that triggers the cycle and makes it toxic. Lets assume the imbalance is attraction power. In this case, one person feels like they are less desirable than their partner (whether or not this is actually true or whether their partner actually feels this way doesn't matter). The pleasurable anxiety of courtship starts to take an unpleasant edge as personal anxieties over this perceived imbalance start to cause feelings of inadequacy. When this happens, the one-down (the one on the losing half of the imbalance) will act in ways that betray this inadequacy. They might act jealous or clingy and this is immediately noticed by the one-up. In fact, the one-down will notice the shift in power and start to panic about it (this is the phase you are in right now). He tries to inject extra effort to win his partner's love but he undermines himself by being openly needy. From the one-up perspective, the sudden interest is confusing. If the one-up was originally attracted by their partner's confidence, they are now met with a partner clearly lacking all confidence. How did the person I thought I fell in love with turn into this? As the one-down tries more and more desperately, the one-up's feeling get colder. The apparent contradiction of passion is that it requires small fear of loss being possible and undesirable. The more you feel her slipping, the stronger and more passionate your feelings for her become. But the converse is also true. The more she feels that she has you, that she is in complete control of the relationship and is totally safe and secure, the more likely that her passion will completely fade to nothing. Couples will get trapped in a cycle were one pursues and the other withdraws until eventually the relationship ends.

As the one-down in this situation you have some work to do. You should identify the source of imbalance and you have to change. You can't change your partner, it doesn't matter how loving or attentive you are, it doesn't matter if you nag or pleading or bribe or threaten. You have to change the way you think, communicate, and behave. First, stop fearing the end of the relationship. Its okay to not want it to end and to still love her and all that, but notice if you catastrophize the loss of this girl in a way that is extreme or unhealthy. If you need to seek therapy for confidence issues, do that. Create some healthy distance. This doesn't mean not loving her anymore or acting cold, it means diversifying the things in your life that give you strength. Right now, you are overly invested in her and this relationship to meet your emotional needs. Try instead to find activities you used to enjoy before. Pay attention to how your social life is outside the relationship. Are there friendships you've been neglecting? What personal goals do you have and are you on track? Make goals, be specific, and hold yourself to doing them. The more you change to become the person you want to be, the less vital the relationship's success will feel to your overall well-being and your self worth. And you'll actively be growing and becoming a more attractive version of yourself to your partner.

Copypastable · 2019-09-18T18:48:46+00:00

You love her but she doesn't love you. She never did. She loved what you provided back then, and when you stopped providing what you did, so did her love.

Jesusfeminist · 2019-09-18T13:46:08+00:00

You obviously don’t follow the “red pill lifestyle”. Why are you asking for advice here? You’ve already disregarded everything anyway

Title	Losing
Author	DJ878787
Upvotes	2
Comments	18
Date	September 18, 2019 1:40 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/d5xyez/losing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/losing.253765 https://theredarchive.com/post/253765

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