background: Normal kid, my overprotective neurotic mom forced me to change schools at 7th grade, from then until the 10th grade I was the no-friends, weirdo. Like... total weirdo. I dont know why. Hacking, acting weird, didnt take baths, and to top it all off computer addicted, 0 responsabilities, 0 forcing from my parents, I did what I wanted at home, but my mom didnt let me leave the house for anything. All my friends that lived around me and went to the 'old' school with me invited me to soccer, play around, my mom banished me, didnt let me join the local soccer team, no parties, nothing.
At 10th grade my old buddies all moved to the new school and they played video games with me online and saw how much of a different person I had become, one very very close friend changed my mindset, at that time I believed I was different, I alienated myself, I believed I was a mistake in this world, wanted to go to a psychologist but my mom said 'no son of mine has mental problems' and I shrugged it off at the time.
At the 12th grade I didnt pass and had to repeat that year, on that year a friend of mine opened my eyes deeply, I said 'hell no' and made biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig changes. I eventually found TRP and it helped a lot to understand how to be socially normal.
I joined college, I smelled good, my skin problems went away, I was 'normal' not fat, I changed my style, I felt... normal ... for the first time.
Anyway, at college I partied like no tomorow, TRP helped me identify my problems and fix them but then the first girl came into my dorm room for a easy fuck, I didnt make a move and instead felt trapped inside my own body, she left, ghosted me, the usual.
Up until that point I blamed everything on the way I was born, then I figured it was because of me and not anyone else.

Problem: I refused to accept that, I accepted I was smarter than everyone, different, that I was a special snowflake. I took the victims mentality.

Fast forward 3 years now: The ship has sinked. Everyday I feel numb, the time I wasted, I resent my mother forever (I still live with her and my dad on the weekends (during the week im in college) until I finish college at least) but I learned to let the past go because I cant let it ruin my future. Problem here is that this background created a lot of mental walls on myself that I have a extremely hard time to go over.

I posted over and over and over again on TRP because of my victims mentality, I wanted to come here for a quick fix, 'oh your life is bad? here do this and its fixed!'

I lack responsability, I gamble my rents money and ask my parents for more, I been going to the gym for 2 years yet my gains are null. I skip days, I dont eat right, I half-ass everything and create such deep excuses that I believe myself.

At night, the truth comes out. Thats when I trully feel like myself. The depression sets on, the realization that you didnt do shit yet again.

Girls oportunities to lose my virginity keep appearing here and there here and there but I choose to ignore them automatically and create excuses to avoid leaving my comfort zone and if any of these excuses start to fail and I start to question them the victims mentality kicks in.

Im tired of this stupid childish mentality. My mom raised me to be a child forever. Im tired of it.

I was finally having a 1.5 month streak of 4 days a week training, and decent eating, but good training, I came out of the gym proud of the work I did, sore for days, I was making decent gainz now this fucking quarantine doesnt even let me leave my house without a cop asking where im going, and now I have to live with my mom 24/7 again and cant leave for college and im going insane.

I know and dont know what I have to do. Im overthinking, complicating what is simple, and after I come out of the gym thats when my mind is perfect, I have the perfect attitude torwards life. But then a few hours later, or if my mom gives me a call or when I wake up the next day I go back to my 'old self'. I try to be better but my spoiled child and man child attitude just drag me down and im tired of it.

I have a hard time leaving my comfort zone, even in my dreams I always fail at whatever im doing. I had my first psychology consultation scheduled for a week from today, but because of the virus all clinics closed for at least 2 months.

TRP had the solution and made me feel 'normal' again, I didnt feel like I was below everyone else, but this thing i've been struggling for years is just seeming more and more impossible to fight everyday, im getting tired of it in both meaning, in the meaning of I want to change and in the meaning that I just want to end it all, but i'll probably pussy out of that too so whats the point.

I mean, look at me, going to be 23 soon and all I manage to do is fuck up everything I touch. Horrible posture, shitty face aesthetics, only had braces put in 2 weeks ago because my mom didnt believe I needed them even though I have extremely crooked teeth even my doctor was like 'wtf why only now'... 23 soon, virgin, the only kisses I had was when I was 9 years old, found a girl I liked, we hanged a lot and I just held her to a wall and kissed her, at 9 years old I did what at 23 I cant... What a pathetic fuck I became.

Sure my parents and that changing schools story had some influence but im just taking the victims mentality here, and I cant control it. Only when the depression hits, I think about my life and then comes a period after the depression that I feel like 'no, I gotta change things' then I go to sleep and its rinse and repeat.

I dont know what im even expecting with this post, tired of trying, tired of learning so much shit and still see everyone else succeed and I fail. Thats because you're just complicating what is simple you dumb fuck, stop overthinking, stop thinking and start doing. You were told this shit years ago yet you still do it.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting changes.

I think im going insane.