I've been lurking on this forum for awhile now. I'm going to post my story with the hopes of getting some encouragement and advice. Reading the posts and side bar on this forum has opened my eyes and helped me greatly.

So here is my story. I've been married for 8 years to the woman I started dating as a senior in high school. We have one child together who is 2 yrs old. I was definitely an "alpha" when me and my wife started dating. I won't bore with the details, but we got married and I became the typical beta. Our marriage has been pretty shitty for the most part. I have been unhappy for the majority of it. During this time I have developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as a way to cope.

Lately (within the last year) I have been struggling with my old alpha coming out. I have tried to fight this and thought something was wrong with me at first. I didn't understand why this was happening. My wife has fought me every step of the way. I think I was suppressed for so long that it came back like a vengeance. My wife has left me several times while this occurred. She has taken my son on several occasions and went to live with her sister who is very far away. I was deployed to Afghanistan and she was not home when I returned. This lead me to greatly resent her. She finally came back only to leave again. We tried counseling, but it didn't help.

When she left the last time I said screw it and ended up meeting another girl. I know it was wrong and I feel guilty for it. However, I had a blast. It was awesome to let the alpha out and have fun. I was happy for the first time in a long time. However, having my son so far away was very hard for me. I felt bad for the person I was being. I blamed myself for changing, and wanted to be the beta again. But I just can't do it. I can't be suppressed anymore. I know we are heading for divorce and I feel it's my fault. She told me tonight, on my birthday, that she doesn't want to be together anymore. I'm sick of fighting for something I know won't last. I had a revelation though. The only thing that scares me more than being divorced is staying married.

So I'm not sure what to do now. I know I need to talk to an attorney so I don't get divorce raped. She doesn't work even though she has a good degree and could make a lot of money. I don't even care if I do get divorce raped, as long as I'm happy. I just don't want to wait until my son is old enough to understand that both parents resent each other.

I told her the other day that I've basically checked out. She wants to stay married, but I don't think anything will change. Sometimes I want to tell her I cheated just so she will let this happen. However, I always talk myself out of doing that because of what it would do to my parents and son once he's old enough to realize. Any advice or encouragement it welcomed.