TL;DR My girl asked for a hall pass, I said ok and I'm trying to understand my feelings.

I get it that the Red Pill and polyamory are not compatible to most red pill guys. If I posted this question in the poly forms I would get blasted for being a piece of shit how dare I feel like this but I do and am trying to work through how I feel and why? So I was hoping for some perspective.

Back story : I'm 48M, she is 33. Since I've been divorced for the past 10 years I've always had 2 girlfriends. I've wanted that my entire adult wife. I'm not a big on random hookups, I prefer having two fulfilling relationships at the same time. I've just never told my girlfriends about the other girl, yes asshole but I am changing that. So I meet my current girl friend about 8 years ago. Casual at first, then I love you., broke up with my primary girlfriend, she became my primary girlfriend and moved in 3 years ago. We have gone from don't ask, don't tell to her imposing a 1 penis policy on herself to one sided monogamy but I've always been encouraged to peruse relationships outside of ours. She says over and over again how much she loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of her life but doesn't need marriage and kids. I listen to what she does, not what she says and I believe her. I've been kind of sick of dating for a while now and just quit to give myself a break. Sex and the relationship has been and is always amazing. She cooks, cleans, helps my kid, we travel, she has her own money, basically model wife material.

A week ago she is kind of drunk or stoned and in bed says she has something important to ask me. Ok I say and she says she wants a hallpass. She had asked me to start dating again about 4 years ago and I said ok. She did for a while and the feeling fizzled because she loved me and the other guys just didn't compare in any way. So I thought about her hallpass request and I thought well its been a while and I've had sex with a few other girls over the last few years ok. I love this girl and I know of her past and she is poly. I kind of feel bad for being this asshole that is free to date whoever I want but I put restrictions on her to not. So I say ok you have my blessings to talk to this guy at work that she has a crush on. She is shocked I say ok and I say lets set some ground rules later. I figured she would start talking and figure out of there was mutual interest. I honestly thought he would shoot her down because I preach don't shit where you eat. Anyways the very next night we are both tired and we go to bed together but don't have sex. This happens often as we already have sex about 5 times a week. She has problems sleeping through the night and sometimes gets up in the middle of the night and goes to her own bedroom. Yes she has her own bedroom in my house and she pays rent. So I wake up in the morning, get my coffee, start some work and my day. After a few hours I've feeling a little horny so I'm go into her room to wake her to my hard cock. I go in her room and she is gone? Car still in the garage but gone, no note, no text message. I use the find my friends app on my phone and she is at a hotel. I call and get the voice mail and I'm like WTF where are you?

She comes home later and we end up having a big fight. We never fight or argue but I'm pissed on how we went to sleep together, she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night, didn't tell me and goes and fucks the hallpass guy when I say sure I will entertain this in the future. It went from 0 to 100 in 1 day. I'm loosing my shit not because I am mad she slept with another guy but because it moved too fast for my comfort level. Things calm down and we get back to normal and having sex a few days later and everything is good. She tells me she had a fun night and she just wants me to be happy for her and I'm like you don't get it, I'm hurt.

After this I connect with an old girlfriend, lay out where I'm at, tell her about the current GF and go on a date with her. I'm going to be upfront this time. Things are going great but its been a week and we are taking it slow. I tell my GF of everything as its proceeding. They even meet quickly one night just to break the ice. Everything is great

Then she sends me a text about a week later of hey can we have a bunch of people over to our house for the pool and can hallpass co-worker come over? I don't even respond to that. Last night I come home after working a 12 hour day and she says its going to be a late night lets talk. Now she wants me to meet this guy for a beer? She wants me to I don't know shake this guy's hand and be ok with everything? I kind of blow up a bit again and we have a heated night. A lot of hurt feelings from the events of the week before. I think its coming down to its ok for me to have another relationship, why can't she.

So the purpose of this post is for some red pill perspective. I don't know why I feel the way that I do or what I am feeling at the moment. Its it some cave man shit or why am I upset that she fucked some other guy? I don't give a fuck about this guy why in the world would I want to meet her? Why do I even care who she is with if I can get it someplace else? Its not for a lack of sex or fun or all of the other benefits of a relationship. We both knew what we were jumping into when we got together all of those years ago but here it is and I don't know what to do?

Thanks for reading and sorry about the rambling. Clearly not in a perfect state of mind right now.