I was on a dating app one night bored af, and got into a random convo with a chick. I really didn't care so I just said whatever, and the conversation turned out amazing, we talked for like 3 hours, really high intensity fun and felt connected. The girl was a 7, but very sweet, so subjectively probably higher than that. Now, I had these types of conversations before and after that, and usually I either meet up with the girl or never talk to her again. In this case however, she continued to initiate contact, day after day, paying me compliments, interested in everything I said, laughing at all my jokes, charming me basically, and because she was in another city I didn't propose to meet because I was already getting laid and was lazy.

At first I was just enjoyed the ego boost like "Ha, this bitch is so into me" and was totally in my frame, slightly arrogant, slightly entitled. Slowly though even though she kept initiating, her appreciation of me waned, and even though I knew it was going to happen and tried to accept it before hand, it still felt like a loss. My loss aversion was triggered, so I started giving her bread crumbs here and there, and she would be back in her impressed state, however less and less. I tried to accept the loss and move on, and once we'd go without talking for like 2 weeks she would ask me for my opinion on something unrelated, and I, being so eager to finally feel like I'm the actualized man that I thought myself to be, was extremely dilligent in formulating a response.

She would be/act impressed and just like that I was hooked on her validation again. I secretly hoped throughout the day that she would ask me for my opinion on something again, and when she didn't for long periods of time, I would try asking for hers or even worse, trying to state an opinion about something unasked for. All secretly wishing she could tell me how smart I am again, or how she wished more people were like me. Needles to say all those attempts either hit a wall, or were turned against me, shaming me for them. I put myself in the role of the little boy wanting mommy's approval for reciting his poem correctly, and she recoiled at that dynamic and gave me the opposite of what I wanted. The frustration was growing inside me, because I considered her dumber than me, and lower smv. I kept thinking "How does this basic bitch dare disagree with me. It's only because I didn't ghost her that she even gets to have this opinion. I'll get her!".

I kept trying to set up the dynamics back to how they were thinking that when I would have her seeking my validation again, I would be an asshole to her, just to soothe my bruised ego. As you might imagine, the dynamics were never the same again, I never got on top again, and every attempt I made only further validated her and inflamated me. I became obsessed. Even though logically, I knew about sunk cost fallacy, I kept going at it like a bad gambler, just this one time to recover all I lost. The biggest thing you regret in things like this, is your own investment, that's what keeps you coming back, that's what you hope to recover. Knowing that I am better looking than what she should be entitled to having, I tried to set up a meet, something that she was begging for in the beginning, hoping that my looks would fucking put this bitch in her place. She said she sees me as a friend, and there's no point in traveling so far to meet up. I. got. fucking. rekt.

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So what have I learned from this.

  1. People are very ego driven, very susceptible to praise on the things that they have worked hard for, and very easy to bruise as long as it's not too overt. We are narcisists and the highest stake in terms of what we are pursuing from other people is validation of our own view of ourselves.
  2. Game works and is important. Numerous times I thought I don't need to act like I'm above because she's such a sweet girl, and every time I didn't she did instead.
  3. Validation that you seek to mend your own soul is more important that other types of validation. I had other girls liking me, I had better conversations with other girls after her, and even if it led to some really good sex, I would actually lie in bed afterwards, with a girl next to me, checking my phone to see if the bitch I didn't even like texted. LIKE OMFG, we as humans are such dumb apes.
  4. This is what keeps girls hooked. This is what girls feel like when they go back to the guys who treated them like shit. Even though you've just fucked them, they are already over it, and are frantically trying to get their investment back from Chad. Our narcisism makes that our highest stake. Nothing is more important to us than our own person, and if someone neglected or dismissed something that WE invested, we desperately try to get that back.
  5. And lastly, I realized I have a hole in my soul, that is very weak, and am probably prone to falling in this type of trap again, as I can't say it was entirely unknowingly this time either. The question is how do I satiate that need in me? I looked hard and saw that as much as I like to think I'm calculated, I still yearn to be mommy's good little boy. How can I stop that in me?