Why does my partner shit-test me?

redpill-hardmode · 2015-06-17T15:36:46+00:00

No. Then don't explain. You don't need a reason to not fill an unreasonable request.

tepper2 · 2015-06-17T14:48:32+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong. I think you passed, but barely. Don't make excuses for not catering to her needs, make it known that you're not her servant.

Next time she flips on you for not catering to her wants, tell her, "You're acting like a child" and leave it at that. She gives you more shit, ignore her for a day or two.

TheMoneyMan6115 · 2015-06-17T17:25:02+00:00

My response would be something along of lines as "Sure, after you bring me a burger". If she says no, I'd parrot the line back "but don't you love me? ;)"

If she wants to play those games, so can you.

The_BeardedGentleman · 2015-06-17T14:11:35+00:00

"You're a grown ass adult. I think you'll live." is typically how I respond to food delivery requests, even if they're joking.

She only acts that way because you bend over to it. If you don't then she won't. If she seriously continuously gives you shit for not catering to her like you're her parents, send her the way of ole yeller.

Johnny10toes · 2015-06-17T19:42:11+00:00

You messed up when you were explaining yourself.

"No."

"Dont you love me?"

"Do guilt trips work? Those are against the rules baby."

Whisper · 2015-06-17T19:57:57+00:00

She said but don't you love me? I then said it is too late at night.

There was your mistake. Refusing was the right move (obviously), but when you give a reason, you invite debate. It implies that if it wasn't "too late", you would have to do so. If you set up reasons, she then tries to shoot them down, and you try to defend them. Now it's an argument, with you on the defensive.

Amused mastery, frame break, frame reversal, etc, would your best options, but I think these are beyond your skill at this time.

Here's the proper flow for this interaction (tailored to your beginner skill level... not what I would do).

Her: {bring me cookies. because vagina.}

You: No.

Her: Don't you love me?

You: Not if that means being your slave, no.

Her: { She then went off at me - saying that I pretended to be concerned about her health when I cannot be bothered driving to her.}

You: You're right. Right now, I am not very concerned for you. Because you are acting entitled and rude. I don't care much for rude and selfish people. Call me again when you are ready to act like an adult. {Hang up phone.}

Here's your underlying problem:

Should I just be honest even if it lands me in trouble?

The words "in trouble" reveal how you think of her. As an overseer with the authority to punish you. In your case, "punishment" most likely takes the form of withdrawing attention. You seek to avoid conflict which will make her angry at you.

As long as she is willing to anger you, and you are unwilling to anger her, you are her slave.

You must anger her. You must allow conflict. It takes two to tango, but only one to start a fight. If conflict is not an option for you, that doesn't prevent her from starting one, and if you are not willing to engage in one, then you are left with nothing but capitulation every single time.

You will probably have to break up. Once a relationship is this far gone, reviving it is near impossible. But you can practice being a free man instead of a slave during the time the relationship is collapsing around you.

Immediately start refusing all, or almost all, her requests unless they cost you literally zero effort. Give no reason other than not feeling like it. If she objects, immediately flip the script and dress her down for being rude and selfish and taking you for granted. If she raises her voice or insults you, immediately end the conversation by hanging up the phone or walking away. Do not return unless and until she initiates contact and apologizes.

throw_em_all · 2015-06-17T20:14:38+00:00

To answer your question, you already answered it yourself:

Why does my partner shit-test me?

I said No (Thats out of character for me... normally I try to avoid confrontation)

You set a new frame, and being out of the ordinary she tested you for congruence between your thoughts and actions.

Don't fear the outcome, maintaining frame sums up to, whatever you feel like doing if you do it, hold up to it, if you don't feel like doing whatever because it's either rude or a lot of work or it simply does not feel right to you, then say no and don't cave in.

Modified_Hackware · 2015-06-17T16:31:58+00:00

Get it yourself you lazy bitch.

Done.

Title	Why does my partner shit-test me?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	2
Comments	10
Date	June 17, 2015 2:04 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3a5wxp/why_does_my_partner_shittest_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/why-does-my-partner-shit-test-me.190100 https://theredarchive.com/post/190100

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