Hi gang!

I wasn't going to do a post this week as I'm approaching finals (shits getting real right about now) but I think committing to this helps me maintain motivation with it so I thought I'd do a quick one.

Casual Interactions

I don't really have specifics to talk about here but I have been creating casual conversations with girls I don't know. I don't think I have huge issues with approach anxiety - at least not to the extent that some guys deal with it - but it is certainly helping my general confidence to just talk to random girls. I'm not really trying to flirt or anything like that, though I do a little - I'm just talking to them for the sake of talking and getting into the habit of it.

Being happier

Something I've always questioned about myself is my general outlook. People have picked up on a kind of "gloom" I kind of carry around with me sometimes throughout my life. Its just kind of a downbeat frame of mind I have - but when I do go through spontaneous periods of optimism and just being content, people always pick up on it. If anything that's a real demonstration of intuition and how you project your inner mind to the outside.

Anyway, part of this whole epiphany thing I had and the drastic change in world outlook I'm undergoing is realising that a lot of the time, that internal state is a choice. I always thought this black cloud was following me around but this week I've been trying something new - that is, to be content and happy. It sounds stupidly simple, and sure, you can't feel happy all the time. But I've noticed that when I get up in the morning, if I choose to have a good day because I want to, I can make that happen. There's a bit of resistance at first and its really tempting to slip into that quiet, cold, sad frame of mind but if I push through it I can generally just be happy because I want to be.

This may seem irrelevant for the sub and what we talk about here in general, but it really plays into the whole inner game thing. If like me, you sometimes have just a general aura of pessimism, you should try this. It sounds counter-intuitive, but just choose be happy. Use positive words in your internal dialogue. Even if you're feeling crappy, when you're just generally speaking to yourself in your head, say things like "wow, what a great day this is gonna be. I feel good right now". There seems to be a bit of a delay but I find if I keep doing this, about 20 minutes later my frame of mind tends to brighten up.

Killing the oneitis

So if you've seen my posts before or have spoken to me much, you might know about my situation with a certain girl that led me here. I spoke to her the other day. We'd been no contact for a little while, but I thought fuck it, so I just dropped her a text to ask how she was. She replied and we chatted for a bit. She asked why text and I just said I didn't wanna leave things on bad terms. So we spoke for a bit more and she said she didn't want to leave things on bad terms either, so I said we'd catch up in a while. We probably won't, and it might seem like a pointless thing to have done, but I don't think she did anything wrong and she's actually a decent human being, so I wanted to close things well and truly. Now that that's done, I feel a much stronger sense of closure.

In terms of oneitis, I feel like I've crossed the final hurdle. At first she was on my mind 24/7, then most of the day, then some of the day, then every now and again, and now not at all. I've been pushing myself towards an abundance mentality, having self respect and relying on myself, and investing in my own life.

That final hurdle was forgiving myself for making mistakes. Even when I felt as though I was over her and no longer super invested, I still felt pissed at myself. Aside from the oneitis and scarcity mentality, I'd be lying if I said she wasn't my kind of girl - to the extreme. She really did fit very well into my description of the ideal girl, and I fucked it up when all I had to do was sit back. In the end, the solution was much like I said above, just to choose to do that. It was coming to terms with the current situation and accepting that regardless of my regret, anger etc. nothing I could do now would change that and that the neediness I displayed was a symptom internal state at the time. I couldn't know what I couldn't know. But I can know for next time - that is within my power.

So yeah, I'm pretty much completely over it now. She enters my mind every once in a while, but I don't particularly feel too much about it at all. Its like a real sense of acceptance, so that's awesome.

Models

Models. Is. The. One.

Seriously. I'm only 53 pages in (Like I said, finals coming up), but god damn there is more truth in this thing than I have ever read. I read Corey Wayne's book and I thought there was some solid material in that (there is, give it a read!), but its not a scratch on models. This whole revelation I've had about internal state governing everything on the outside - Manson articulates it perfectly so I can wait to read on.

Here's one thing that also inspired my faith in it; at one point, he gives some examples of how neediness and investment affects certain situations. One of these examples is almost and exact blow by blow account of the experience I refer to above. I'm not even exaggerating - its not just a vague description of a very common situation, its almost exact. Its kinda scary its so close, but it makes me feel that its really the right place for me to start reading. Here's the extract, if anyone is interested:

Daniel is 24-years-old and trying to get over a three year dry-spell. It’s the first time he’s pursued women since his only girlfriend dumped him three year ago. Daniel goes out to a bar one night and approaches Stacy. Daniel approaches her with what seems like an innocuous question about drunk guys getting in fights. She responds and he follows it up with a number of quirky lines to soon get her laughing. These are lines and questions Daniel learned from reading a book on women. Daniel has been practicing the tactics for a while and has recently become proficient at using them. After facing countless rejections, he’s finally able to get girls’ phone numbers and even a few dates. He continues to talk to Stacy throughout the night about preordained topics he’s comfortable with. He’s able to punctuate each lull with tried and tested jokes he’s used dozens of times. Every time, Stacy laughs on cue. He touches her on the arm just like he read to do, and she touches him back. She’s interested. A week later, after some fun texting, Stacy meets up with Daniel for a date. Once again, Daniel executes everything he’s learned: stick to topics about her passions, move her from venue to venue, never sit across from her but next to her, use a planned excuse to get her back to his place, etc. There are hiccups along the way, but it all more or less works. Stacy seems genuinely attracted and when Daniel finally works up the nerve to kiss her, she kisses back enthusiastically. Daniel is ecstatic. He feels like months of hard work have finally paid off. The second date goes similarly. Daniel manages to get Stacy back to his apartment where fumbling through his excitement, he has sex with her. 41 Daniel is on cloud nine, delirious with joy and drunk on validation. He jumps online to his favorite pick up forums and writes up a post detailing how his tactics and lines worked and how everyone else should use them. Little does Daniel realize that it wasn’t his lines and tricks that Stacy fell for, it was the endearing way he laughed at himself whenever he was self-conscious. She thought it was cute and it reminded her of her first boyfriend. She was in a lonely patch of her life and wanted to feel needed by someone and the flattering of Daniel working so hard to get her to laugh won her over, at least for the time being. Daniel continues to go out and run his “game” but he’s always excited to see Stacy again. They see each other a few more times over the following weeks, but something changes. Since he’s already had sex with her, Daniel stops running his lines and tactics that he learned. He slowly reverts back to his normal self. His needy self. It begins subtly with him agreeing with everything she says, followed by a sudden inability to come up with new and interesting topics of conversation. What used to be vibrant and hilarious bantering has now turned into Stacy showing up, saying whatever she wants and Daniel more or less agreeing with her until it’s time to have sex, really bad sex. One day, Daniel texts Stacy about meeting up with him that weekend. She was busy studying for a test that night and didn’t reply. Daniel begins to get very insecure about why she’s not responding. He gets on the message board and makes a post about it. The next day, there are numerous replies with all sorts of “antiflake” strategies and possible reasons that she’s not talking to him anymore. He decides to text her some of these “anti-flake” texts that involve some silly lines and a playful tease. Again, she doesn’t respond. Daniel gets even more upset. 42 The next day, after her test, Stacy sees her phone and notices four new texts from Daniel. The first one is casual, but each one gets progressively weirder and nonsensical. Stacy is turned off, but willing to overlook it and replies that she was busy taking a test but could see Daniel that weekend. But Daniel is not so easily fooled. He’s not about to reward Stacy’s “shit test” by immediately hanging out with her. He’s read theories on punishing women for “bad behavior.” So he waits a few hours and then texts Stacy that she’s too late and he’s already made other plans with other people. She finds this strange and is annoyed since he had texted her four times, but shrugs it off and goes on with her life. The next week later Daniel texts Stacy and coldly insinuates that he’s ready to see her now, if she’s willing to work for it. The condescending and disrespectful tone pisses Stacy off and she doesn’t respond. Two days later Daniel, drunk and confused on why Stacy doesn’t want to see him anymore, sends a sappy text saying that he really likes her and really wants to see her again and doesn’t know why she doesn’t like him anymore. Completely confused and turned off, Stacy replies that he’s a nice guy but she just wants to be friends, even though she has no intention of ever seeing him again.

Its crazy how close he is. It's like it was written about me.

Anyway, like I say I don't have time to write much this week. But I'll try and write a bit more next week and will hopefully have a bit more content to share.

Have a good'un