Oneitis, neediness and forgiveness. How did you forgive yourself for it?

actionabz · 2016-05-10T14:16:32+00:00

You're just going through the last motions of oneitis, you've obviously went from neediness to wallowing in self pity and now it's blaming yourself. The only cure really is to realise it's neither your own fault or hers, you were just at two different points in life. From the look of things it's normal to be angry with yourself but don't suppress it cos it will only build up and neglect other aspects of your life. Last july I had a serious bout of oneitis and felt angry cos I had no control or influence on the relationship so I shifted the blame onto women in general but then I realised every women is so different hence every relationship will be a unique experience. One of these days I'll hit the nail on the head and happen to have a great one until then I'm up for anything

makethegirlsdance · 2016-05-10T14:21:01+00:00

I can entirely relate to this. I'm the type of person that can't let my own mistakes go. It's not even about the girl at that point, I feel upset that I made careless mistakes. I don't beat myself up about it anymore though, instead I understand what I did wrong and always keep it in the back of my mind. I'll even go as far as to write them down so I don't make the same mistake twice. EVERYTHING is a learning experience and every time I mess up I get better for the next time. You should too

jtr334p · 2016-05-10T15:48:35+00:00

I created an account just to reply to you OP. I essentially went through the same thing you're going through now.

I'm 24, and last year I met this woman (23) that was a complete game changer. Smart, funny, artistic, and SMOKING hot. I got along with her like no other girl before. It was like the first time we hung out we had known each other for years. Very similar to your girl in the sense everything happened so quickly. I even bedded her on the first date, too. I tried to stick to my guns as far as what I had learned from PUA, but I remember this one day just a few weeks after we had started dating where she mentioned us getting married and that was it for me. Everything I had learned went out the window and I was ready to pick a honeymoon spot. So I got comfortable. Started texting her too much, showing lots of affection, going out of my way to make time for her. Ya know, wussy stuff. It didn't take long for me to notice the flame was starting to dwindle on her side. So I panicked and tried everything I could to fix it, which inadvertently made matters worse (as that often does).

It took me a long time to move on. Too long considering we weren't in a LTR. It wasn't just the oneitis that made it hard to let go, it was the fact I had lost this chance with the girl of my dreams because I made elementary mistakes that could have been avoided.

The thing is, I kept beating myself up until one day I was watching Kung Fu Panda with my younger cousin (not sure if you've seen that movie but it's worth the watch). Anyway, in the movie the old master Shifu gives advice to his pupil about The Illusion of Control. The general message he gave is that you can try and try and try again to make things happen in the way and in the time frame you want, but a lot of times life just doesn't work that way and it's not your fault. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. The only thing you have control of in life is YOU.

So I actively stopped worrying about her and that whole situation, and started worrying about myself. It seems you've done a good job of that so keep it up.

In your case, I think once you let go of the illusion of control you will realize what I did: that what happened, happened. It happened because that's what was meant to happen and you have no control over that. The only thing you have control of is learning from this situation and doing your best to avoid similar mistakes in the future. Accept that and BELIEVE it, and I think you will achieve forgiveness. Hang in there, dude.

itsmevichet · 2016-05-10T14:34:07+00:00

Those with the strongest inner game are very used to picking themselves up after failure. It's a learning process, and unfortunately, a lot of times the only way to harden to that lesson is to redo it.

I'm not saying try to fail. But, each one will hurt less if you just stay objective about it. You did A, B happened, sometimes there's bad luck involved, move on. It's not happening to you anymore, so stop dragging it around.

cjsenecal · 2016-05-10T15:03:43+00:00

part of me is still angry with myself for ruining it in the first place

I think this is a big part of it and I can relate. About a month ago my GF left me for reasons like yours. After reading a couple subreddits I realized so many things I was doing wrong or just given false information all my life when it comes to women and relationships.

You realize and learn all this information days after she leaves you. Leaving you angry and frustrated and wishing you knew all of this sooner and she'd still be with you.

I still think of her often but it's also been a blessing in disguise for me, a life changing wake up call.

Now you know what not to do for next time, and there will be a next time.

SecondVariety13 · 2016-05-10T18:32:58+00:00

An aspect of a man with strong inner-game is his ability to recognize his mistakes, admit/correct them if possible, and most importantly (in your case) understand that his mistakes do not define him. To borrow the old adage - "To err is to be human".

Honestly, you're doing well. A lesser man would have refused to see the error of his ways, called the girl a bitch, and been in exactly the same place as he was when the relationship began. This is a sure sign of insecurity (weak inner-game) - refusing to be aware. You're taking steps to learn and improve yourself so take credit for that.

Lastly, yes I can relate. I think you're aware of my situation so I have these same feelings. It's easy to become focused on "what could have been". Don't do this. Accept the feelings, allow yourself to feel them but don't dwell on them. All that matters is "what is". As another poster pointed out, I think this is the last stage of oneitis (I'm hoping). In terms of how you deal with it, I think it depends on your personal beliefs. I personally think this kind of thing happens to prepare us for someone that we're more compatible with. This girl of yours, she seemed amazing. But what if you had dated her for a couple years and discovered she's not the person you initially thought she was. Or she ended up cheating on you? There are so many ways to end a relationship, it's a fools errand to try and figure out what might have happened had you not "screwed up". Chemistry is common but compatibility is rare - our job is to learn to recognize the difference.

Sry_Its_Jus_Business · 2016-05-11T03:39:53+00:00

I think what you're describing is love and infatuation. I don't think there's any way to not experience these emotions and I don't think you need to feel weak/guilty for having them. Embrace and understand it. It'll make you stronger than those who ignore it. Think about how strong these emotions are that you're feeling. That's you being human and feeling alive. Learn to harness these ups and downs and apply it to make your life better. You don't need forgiveness or blame. Just look back and think "wow, good or bad, I'm glad I had that experience.". In the grand scheme of things, you got laid and for a brief moment feel in love, however fleeting it may have been. Better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all.

Just my two cents

Title	Oneitis, neediness and forgiveness. How did you forgive yourself for it?
Author	ermhelpmeplz
Upvotes	3
Comments	21
Date	May 10, 2016 12:48 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4ip1cp/oneitis_neediness_and_forgiveness_how_did_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/oneitis-neediness-and-forgiveness-how-did-you.1406590 https://theredarchive.com/post/1406590

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