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[–]MrManwithNoName2021 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Nothing went wrong, you are just with a chick with an odd personality. I had similar situation and it ended in the worse heart break. I stayed around thinking her feelings would change only to see her date other guys. Enjoy all the sex, but don't waste your time waiting for something serious. Continue to date around and have a life.
[–]xpaincakex -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sorry to hear you went through this too. What helped you to move on?
[–]MrManwithNoName2021 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Banging chicks off Tinder.
[–]Daunt02 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
She's honest and upfront about her feelings so that's great. Do you really want to be this girl's boyfriend? I think she's helping you to be in the exact right spot both of you want. If you want something different be honest about it and move forward. There seems to be nothing wrong with this situation.
Also it sounds like she's protecting herself from getting too close and bringing back the possibility of abuse. Just keep your relationship with her and be the best man you can be around her (for yourself). She may or may not change her mind eventually.
If you really want her to be your girlfriend say it soon or else shit is going to get awkward.
[–]xpaincakex 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
True, on many levels we are honest (emotionally and physically). She does care for me, and likewise.
She knows I still really like her and said we shouldn’t do this if you have any feelings left for me.
She wants me to actively find other people to date. She’s taking a break from dates for now. But we said we’ll be open about that to each other
Just sucks man cause it was mutual for so long…ugh
[–]Daunt02 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like she's trying to help you from oneitus. For real, accept this as a win and start dating other people while having her as a fuck buddy. It'll be better for your life and it will take pressure off her giving her space to enjoy you properly. You probably started laying it on heavy when it was obvious that you guys weren't exclusive.
Enjoy yourself man.
[–]xpaincakex 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You're right bro. That mindset is the way forward. This is a win for me to get over her and gather info on how to do better moving forward onto other girls and get back to an abundance mentality. She even suggested that she might have friends she could set me up with lol.
And you're right, she was never exclusive (mostly though). She went on maybe ~4-5 dates with other people during that 3mo period. I made the mistake of only seeing her during that time and I got overly invested. Went too hard and pushed her away
[–]Daunt02 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yep, she's showing you the way. I love believing that when you're a self confident man, every woman is helping you to abundance even the ones that seem like they're rejecting you.
[–]Daunt02 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Plus if she didn't like you she wouldn't want to fuck you anymore. Forget about labels and just enjoy each other.
[–]killedthehunter2323 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I don't have any answers but I had to comment because I'm also thinking WTF!?!?
Maybe you are too nice/perfect? Maybe she wants a "bad boy"...I mean usually people aren't physically attracted to someone they don't also appreciate emotionally..at least not me.
Maybe she has commitment issues?
Your situation is perplexing. I've also never understood the whole freinds with benefits thing either. It wouldn't work for me. The only time I tried it I wasn't even all that into the guy but still ended up dating him because I became pheromonally attached after a short time.
[–]xpaincakex 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I let my guard down and became a nice/perfect guy. Initial 3-5 dates I kept my cool and didn’t show a lot of interest.
I’m not necessarily hoping that she changes her mind but there’s a small chance she could develop feelings again?
It’s tough to move on, it’s hard to find someone so close to what you’re looking for
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
I don’t think it has anything to do with you. The whole “challenge” thing isn’t an issue because after 3 months and both falling in love you shouldn’t have to play games about being a challenge. It’s possible that she’s scared of the idea of moving forward with you or anybody else even if she can’t articulate that to you or even herself. And it’s possible that no matter what else is good there, that will never change. I’ve been there, it’s one of the hardest relationship situations to be in for the fact that it seems like the solution to both your happiness is right there under the surface, but the fact is that whatever block she has is a part of her and is a compatibility issue.
So here’s my advice from what I’ve learned, wished I had done in situations, and would do if the situation arises again. FWB is her way of keeping you around without committing. Maybe she’s afraid of committing or maybe she just doesn’t want it now. But if she gets you as a FWB, then it won’t reignite the potential because why would she strive for more if she’s already getting what she wants? This is the point where you’re not being enough of a challenge for her.
You don’t want to just be FWB so pull back. Be honest with her at least enough to make sure she knows that if she wants you around then you’re not going to settle. BUT DONT GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM. Tell her that you’d like to find something that works for both of you and take it one day at a time, and what you’re doing now isn’t it. She may say that you’re not looking for the same thing so it’s over, and if that’s the case end the conversation cordially and start focusing on moving on. Maybe she’ll pursue, maybe she won’t. The important thing here is not how to get HER to change because you can’t control that, it’s for you to act in a way that is conducive to your happiness and right now you’re not happy. You’re settling because moving on is painful. This is not a seduction issue, this is the real shit. You need to decide whether you care enough about her to be persistent but not pushy, or if you’re really detached enough to be fine with just sex. And from how you talk about it, it’s definitely not the latter.
[–]xpaincakex 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
This is quite eye-opening, I appreciate the insight man. This aligns with many of the conclusions I got to over the past few days.
The two weeks where I didn't contact her, I analyzed what-ifs, etc. It fucking sucked, I would wake up at 3am unable to sleep cause of the anxiety. I finally got to a point where I was 85% moved on but wanted to talk to her one last time with transparency. That led to us as FWB.
I realized weeks ago, she tried to spare my feelings but yesterday when I met her, she bluntly said the no potential thing. That was mostly what I wanted to hear. Truth >> leading me on.
I've been honest with her and she knows, that I felt some remaining feelings towards her. I adapt quick and have now realized this could be beneficial for us both. She gets to explore her sexual side with someone she feels comfortable with and likes as a person.
And I get to fuck her, talk openly about dating, and other things. I think I can learn from her perspective, to improve on new dates/girls. This will also help me to not make her the center of my attention. She even brought up that maybe she could set me up with one of her friends
She'd often say, "you need to stop putting other's before yourself. Be selfish." Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't acting like a doormat, I just cared about her lol. My feelings towards her have evaporated. Even some resentment which is helping...
It's taught me to keep my emotions tightly in check. I lost my cool with her, I'm usually not able to express things emotionally. Guess I gotta learn to be neutral and ease into it..
- To your point, you're right I'm not a challenge now if I stay FWB. But damn, the sex with her is good..I'm confused
- I'm not going to hold hope on this turning into a serious relationship. IF it happens, I'd maybe consider it.
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like you have your answer as to her, just keep being sure to check your motives and protect your feelings because despite what you’re saying now, your original post conveys a strong sense of wanting to be together with her again. Resentment is unnecessary, but for sure be selfish. The good kind of selfish. Start now, in all walks of life. Hell, let her see it. But if you’re really able to be FWB without getting hurt, then be sure to recognize and draw your own boundaries on it.
True, it's just a personal level of confusion but I'm seeing the end of the tunnel. Lots of thoughts and processing.
She said I used to intimidate her early on (which I take as a good sign). I've concluded that I let down my guard and became 'too nice.' But I'm starting to feel like my old self again. More time is all I need
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Again, at the stage you guys were at I think letting your guard down is appropriate. Honestly, your focus on how you “played” it and how whatever you did fit into your ideas of seduction are indicative of what she was saying about you needing to put yourself first.
What I’m getting from you overall is that your way of interacting with women is very focused on how it impacts them and their responses. Caring about that less is what I would consider the good kind of selfish, but honestly, if your authentic self is to have a guard and once you let it down you become a sweetheart to the woman you care about then that’s not problematic at all! You’ll find a woman who embraces that.
But the vibe I’m getting is that you’re either playing “seduction” game or being a “people-pleaser” and either way there’s a hint of manipulation that casts a shadow on both. It’s acting to elicit a response or reactions from another person. And while it’s important to be cognizant of our effect on others, too much focus on that ends up with us centering ourselves on the other person, which tends to just make them uncomfortable and push them away.
It may seem to you that you’re being “nice” but the problem isn’t you being “too nice” it’s your actions being determined by putting another person’s opinion and feelings about you ahead of your own, or basing your own on theirs. Even if it’s on a more subconscious level. You could even say it’s somewhat codependent behavior tbh. And I say that as someone who actually attended some CoDA meetings back in the day to learn more about myself and how I interact with others. So no judgment, in fact I see bits of myself or my former self in what you’re saying.
Its not that you necessarily need to put feelings down or even behind yours, but in an interpersonal relationship they need to at least be equal. But I think you would benefit from looking into some self-help materials regarding codependency, anxious attachment, and intimacy issues. Even just browse the subreddits on those topics and see if you can relate.
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[–]MrManwithNoName2021 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex -1 points0 points1 point (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MrManwithNoName2021 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Daunt02 1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex 1 point2 points3 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Daunt02 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Daunt02 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Daunt02 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]killedthehunter2323 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]xpaincakex 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]virishking 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link